Take A Risk

On Friday I played the lottery for the first time in my life.  Who didn’t, right?  With the Mega-Millions being some massive number that was 747464764 times more than most of us will see in a lifetime.  How silly would I have felt if I did not enter the $2.00 pool at the office and someone actually won?!

It did, however, take me a while to pony up the eight quarters, because in my world, you don’t do things unless they are pretty much a sure thing.  Gambling is definitely NOT on the list of things I do for fun.

Risk is not a word many associate with my name.  I am a pretty rigid person in all aspects of my life and unless I can do a relatively accurate cost-benefit analysis, a whimsical decision will not be made.

This drives Ryan insane because he enjoys spontaneity and taking a chance, whereas I will sit on the side of the pool and test the water before ever jumping in.

Hmhh…maybe this why I am so hesitant and passive when it comes to recovery?

No one can predict what will happen on a journey toward wellness, so there are no strict guidelines for me to follow; no precise description of how life on the “other side” will be for me.

One cannot simply go by someone else’s experience to determine their own, because bodies are different, people are unique and although I have met many who have similar personality traits, tendencies, etc., the outcome of their attempts has varied in nature.

That is why when reading forums on recovery websites, I don’t take what is written and assume I can do the exact same things and have the exact same results.

So what I need to think about now, is the pros and cons list for my PERSONAL purpose to press on down the windy road with the unknown destination, or stay right where I am in the “safe” zone.

What are the good things about maintaining my eating disorder?

  • a small level of comfort
  • not having to feel unwanted emotions
  • days where I can stand my body

That is a shorter list than I thought….

And why does my eating disorder suck?

  • I am constantly disappointing/worrying my family, causing a large strain on our relationships
  • guilt, shame and self-hatred
  • hermit like behaviors
  • limited opportunities
  • minimal exercise…boring forms of exercise
  • health problems
  • small clothing repertoire

…..I think I could go on for a while, but you all get the point.

One would look at these, compare, and assume the possibility of reversing or fixing the negatives would entice me to take the plunge and just do what I needed in order to get well.

The logical part of my brain totally agrees.

But it is VERY hard to change the way a mind is wired and mine just keeps saying, “you will be fat, ugly, disgusting, miserable, out of control, undisciplined and everyone will think you are a loser, if you do not stay the way you are.”

I would like to think that is not true.  And I would REALLY like to associate words like “strong, courageous, kind-hearted, athletic, and a genuinely good, worthy person,” with this process, instead.

I may not have won the Mega-Millions, but I guess I can settle for winning the battle against ED 😉

So wish me luck as I enter another week trying to make good choices, and take some risks that absolutely terrify me.


12 thoughts on “Take A Risk

  1. I didn’t end up getting in on my school’s Mega Millions pool. The guy who was organizing it & I never crossed paths. I got my own tickets & didn’t think much of it until Friday night when I started worrying that they would win & I’d be the only sucker at work on Monday! LOL Obviously, that didn’t happen!

    Have a great week CJ!

  2. Hey CJ! Please know that i think you are awesome and I love your posts but I actually found quite a bit of irony in this one. It actually seems to me that you are living a very risky life. Every time you skimp on your meal plan or overexercise, you are risking your marriage, your relationships with family members, and ultimately your life. You mentioned in one of your other posts that you tend to push and push people to see how far you can push them before they finally abandon you and to me, that seems like a very risky way to live. If you recover, you KNOW that you will be healthy and that your marriage will survive and that your family will be so so proud of you. To me, that seems a lot less risky!

    I hope you don’t take this is as me being mean because i don’t intend it that way at all. Just wanted to present a different perspective. God bless!

    • oh my goodness Meagan, I actually REALLY appreciate your insight. I look at it as ED is “safe” and comfortable and I dont know another way of life so it is really scary, but you see it as staying this way is dangerous, and risky and it is really interesting to think of it that way!!! thanks so much for pointing that out! it is something i really need to think about, so like I said, I totally appreciate the feedback! God bless you hun! ❤

    • That was beautifully put, Meagan. And it really flipped around the way I think. Thanks for making me ponder and realize.

  3. You go girl! Even if you have to “fake it ’til you make it”…this is so great. I completely understand what you said about clearly seeing how the ED is not something you want (you’re list states that!) but how you just can’t seem to fight it sometimes…same for me. It’s a constant battle. All we can do is take one step at a time, one day at a time and continue to make the hard choices that will ultimately lead to freedom. Believe it. You and I will be free 🙂 You’re doing awesome. You should be proud of yourself for making strides.

  4. I totally get what you mean about the ED providing some level of comfort. But I try to think of it like an abusive boyfriend. Sure, he tells you how great you are, and gets you to come to “his side”…and then proceeds to dictate your life, right down to what you eat and how you feel about yourself. ED provides *temporary* comfort. Now, I just need to listen to my own advice 🙂 Keep it up, girl!

  5. CJ, you always write stuff that speaks right to me. And I often feel your struggle and ache for your pain because I UNDERSTAND.

    I love the words you desire to associate with getting better and I understand the ones you are battling with too. I know you know this, but I think it helps to hear someone else tell you; People will NOT think you are an out-of-control loser when you get better. They will be relieved and feel much more comfortable approaching you. The horrible things WE create in our heads of what other people will think are quite the opposite in my experience.

    This post reminded me of Britt Nicole’s song “Walk on Water” (I think that’s what it’s called). Have you ever heard that song? Its words are beautiful.

    I know you can take on those fears that feel so real and big… because you are bigger than them. The love and passion and hope in your life is so much bigger than those fears that are holding you down. I hope you can see that and let go a little this week. Praying and thinking of you (I hope that isn’t odd when I don’t even “know” you… but I care a lot.)

    You’ve got this, Girl. Deep breath and take a step, deep breath and take a step… ❤

  6. Hey CJ

    So while I don’t have an ED I have struggled a lot this year with my body image and questions of my self worth. I am BRCA+ (the breast cancer gene) and I recently chose to undergo a preventative mastectomy to eliminate my risk of developing the disease. Moral of the story is I spent the last year worrying about how I would feel about changing this part of my body and the final results, because I though that this change to my body would actually some how change my sense of self.

    But when I woke up 4 week ago post-op, besides my lack of boobs, nothing had changed. I was still the same person I always was – I was just healthy. And I think this same thought can be applied to your recovery as well. You already are a “strong, courageous, kind-hearted, athletic, and a genuinely good, worthy person,”. And once you take the plunge whole- heartedly into recovery you will still be that person – just healthy.

    Keep going girlie!

  7. Pingback: I Guess I Was Wrong « Healthy, Happy, Whole

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