On Friday I played the lottery for the first time in my life. Who didn’t, right? With the Mega-Millions being some massive number that was 747464764 times more than most of us will see in a lifetime. How silly would I have felt if I did not enter the $2.00 pool at the office and someone actually won?!
It did, however, take me a while to pony up the eight quarters, because in my world, you don’t do things unless they are pretty much a sure thing. Gambling is definitely NOT on the list of things I do for fun.
Risk is not a word many associate with my name. I am a pretty rigid person in all aspects of my life and unless I can do a relatively accurate cost-benefit analysis, a whimsical decision will not be made.
This drives Ryan insane because he enjoys spontaneity and taking a chance, whereas I will sit on the side of the pool and test the water before ever jumping in.
Hmhh…maybe this why I am so hesitant and passive when it comes to recovery?
No one can predict what will happen on a journey toward wellness, so there are no strict guidelines for me to follow; no precise description of how life on the “other side” will be for me.
One cannot simply go by someone else’s experience to determine their own, because bodies are different, people are unique and although I have met many who have similar personality traits, tendencies, etc., the outcome of their attempts has varied in nature.
That is why when reading forums on recovery websites, I don’t take what is written and assume I can do the exact same things and have the exact same results.
So what I need to think about now, is the pros and cons list for my PERSONAL purpose to press on down the windy road with the unknown destination, or stay right where I am in the “safe” zone.
What are the good things about maintaining my eating disorder?
- a small level of comfort
- not having to feel unwanted emotions
- days where I can stand my body
That is a shorter list than I thought….
And why does my eating disorder suck?
- I am constantly disappointing/worrying my family, causing a large strain on our relationships
- guilt, shame and self-hatred
- hermit like behaviors
- limited opportunities
- minimal exercise…boring forms of exercise
- health problems
- small clothing repertoire
…..I think I could go on for a while, but you all get the point.
One would look at these, compare, and assume the possibility of reversing or fixing the negatives would entice me to take the plunge and just do what I needed in order to get well.
The logical part of my brain totally agrees.
But it is VERY hard to change the way a mind is wired and mine just keeps saying, “you will be fat, ugly, disgusting, miserable, out of control, undisciplined and everyone will think you are a loser, if you do not stay the way you are.”
I would like to think that is not true. And I would REALLY like to associate words like “strong, courageous, kind-hearted, athletic, and a genuinely good, worthy person,” with this process, instead.
I may not have won the Mega-Millions, but I guess I can settle for winning the battle against ED 😉
So wish me luck as I enter another week trying to make good choices, and take some risks that absolutely terrify me.