Internal Reflection

I touched on this last week, but I feel like this is something that should be revisited for my sake, and perhaps some of yours.

I absolutely love writing and find it really therapeutic considering I have a difficult time verbalizing my feelings, BUT sometimes reading posts from others can be really triggering.

Don’t get me wrong; the only reason I started my own blog was because I spent years reading others. At first I had three or four I read regularly, and now my daily routine has expanded quite significantly and to the point where I feel like I know some of the people, regardless of it we ever met.

Lately, however, I have been very conscious of who and what I read.

Despite what you may think, I am trying to focus on recovery and regaining the life I once enjoyed, so eliminating easily avoidable negative situations seemed like an appropriate thing to do. This meant a lot of old reading material had to go; magazines, websites, and certain blogs.

Maybe this sounds stupid. I mean really, why should someone else’s daily eats and exercises impact the way I feel about myself?

Well you see, I am a very competitive person. I always have been and it really didn’t matter what I was doing, I just wanted to be the best.

My husband is the same way so you can imagine what family game night is like in our house…

So I would read entries from healthy living bloggers and be fascinated by what new products they found at Whole Foods, the Chia seeds that were puffing up their oatmeal bowls to look so appetizing, the astronomical distances and speeds they were running…

And then I would feel completely horrible because I wasn’t able to do a seven minute mile, and had no idea what the heck a chia seed was.

The black and white distortions automatically kicked in and I would think I was the unhealthiest person in the entire universe. How could I not log 13.1 miles all the time?! Why was I eating these instant oatmeal packets when steel cut were obviously the better choice?!

This became a regular part of my day. Read and mentally punish. Read and mentally punish.

It is absolutely not the fault of those doing the writing, because everyone has an individual meal and fitness plan that works for them and who I am to judge whether or not that is right or wrong.

I trigger myself because I cannot separate my needs from those published online. I twist the words of the author to mean, “CJ you are not good enough. You are not a worthy person,” because that is what I feel inside.

But here is the thing; I would believe that 5 pounds less than I am now. I would believe that 20 pounds more than I am now. Now matter what I see in the mirror, my belief that I am a horrible person doesn’t really change, and so until that does; until I feel like I am deserving of life, happiness and health just for being me, there will always be a fat ugly person staring back.

So I guess my point is not totally about removing outside forces that could potentially be detrimental to my healing process, because truth be told, it is not anyone but ME who creates the relapse. I manipulate facts, interpret material in a destructive manner. I do all this because it “confirms” that I was right all along; I am not good enough in a world full of those who are.

Sounds like I need to do a lot more than delete a few things in my googlereader.

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5 thoughts on “Internal Reflection

  1. I agree that a lot of people can get super competitive over bloggers and exercise and calorie intake, etc. It is really draining and I don’t blame you for wanting to remove some people from your reader. If it is harmful to your healthy and sanity why would you read their blogs!

  2. This really resonates with me. I have to save it and come back to it because it’s so true and so hard to break the vicious cycle.

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