I feel like I have so many things going on in my mind right now concerning upcoming events, work and family that I apologize if this seems scattered, but sifting through my emotions on paper sometimes seems to help.
I am really trying NOT to judge my current eating routine and the new additions, but it is proving to be very difficult (similar to many things in recovery) because I am having these insane cravings.
I know why, and am familiar with their intensity because I have experienced it before. Not to mention it is pretty typical for those overcoming restrictive eating disorders.
Several people had e-mailed me before concerned about their own situations, or asking if I went through a period where I only wanted a certain kind of food.
Obviously, from my declaration that I am having specific, pregnant-woman-like menu desires I am all too familiar with this pattern in the process of getting healthy, and it is ALWAYS for foods that I limited; i.e. carbs and fats.
Normally I really like meat. All kinds of meat! But protein was pretty “safe” during my ED because I justified it by telling myself I needed it to maintain muscle.
*FYI you need a lot more than protein to build and maintain muscle.
Anyway, if we went to a restaurant my go-to was typically raw tuna.
If we ate at home I prepared lean beef, chicken, shrimp, etc. but there was never a shortage of protein in my diet, when you consider the percentage based on my caloric consumption. (There was a deficiency in nutrition overall, however.)
Now, although I still do force myself to eat protein with every meal, I only do so because I know I NEED it.
It doesn’t excite me or make my taste buds sing.
Instead I want peanut butter and banana sandwiches! I want nuts, hummus, cheese, cereal, bread.
The weird thing is, I am becoming quite snobby (differently snobby) about what form these things come in.
For example, if you handed me a regular piece of bread from the grocery store I would be totally bored. I want texture and oats and FLAVOR. I want a huge hunk of Great Harvest Main Line Crunch or even an Alexia Whole Grain dinner roll.
I don’t feel this is necessarily eating disordered, but more because I am a person who likes variety within my choices…crunch….taste…etc. and I am trying to give myself these things as much as I possibly can, but also without having a complete mental breakdown because I am not eating a “perfectly balanced” nutrient ratio.
In my twisted thinking, following a higher meal plan can only be somewhat “ok” by doing it the “right” way; healthy lipid sources, whole grains…
Well I have news for myself; this is maintaining the rigidity that controlled me for the entire duration of being sick and that is what has to go.
Because I am so “black and white” I am not good at being flexible, but that is not the way healthy living works. I think wellness definitely includes indulging in what your body wants sometimes, and for me, on an individual level, that may not be as balanced as I would like because my body has A LOT of NEEDS.
It is lacking pretty much everything, and has been for a really long time. This might mean that I do want particular things, at specific times, even if it doesn’t fit into my “perfect” exchange system.
Maybe my body is attempting to tell me “Hello! I am trying to live and restore some damage! I need energy to do that so give me so damn carbs! Preferably in the form of that delicious pizza you had last week!”
The point is, I need to throw pretty much all of my old beliefs out the window. I certainly need to make sure I am getting ENOUGH nutrition, but there is no RIGHT manner for me to do so.
If I want waffles at breakfast rather than oatmeal and eggs, oh well.
If I want peanut butter sandwiches everyday for a week, awesome!
At this moment I need to worry about getting my body to a healthy point, not the perfect equation of macro-nutrients.
At least that is what’s best for me.