Could This Work?!

The concept of “fake it ’till you make it,” has always been something I preached to others. I even mastered the “fake it” part. But obviously, as it is three years later, and there has been marginal progress in my journey toward ED recovery, the latter part of that statement never really happened for me.

I take responsibility for that, of course, because I will admit, I did not always follow the perscribed plan set forth by professionals, or abide by the guidlines I promised to my family.

But yesterday, as I was shopping with a friend, in three of my very favorite food heavens; Whole Foods, Great Harvest, and Trader Joes, I kept looking through the aisles with the my very normal thoughts of, “ohhh that looks so good, but I could never have it,” or I would put something in the cart knowing Ryan would absolutely enjoy every bite, but already eliminating the idea that I could even taste some.

Wait a minute…

For some unknown reason my mind did like a rewind to last summer when I was at the Fun, Fit and Fabulous Conference for women.

One of the presentations I enjoyed most was from Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, who spent an entire hour discussing the idea of “changing your brain, to get more champaign.”

She was not referring to the actual alcoholic drink, but rather suggesting you might be able to trick yourself into a better life; a happier you.

I have definitely trained myself to believe all these insane diet rules, rituals and mantras, to be one hundred percent normal, why couldn’t I teach myself something else? Like that dessert after dinner is one hundred percent a wonderful idea?!

I bought into Dr. Lombardo’s philosophy for awhile and honestly, that was the healthiest few months of my life, in as long as I can remember.

I didn’t look at food as horrific and trying to ruin my body, but more as exciting and new, and essential for me to survive….to actually LIVE.

I remembered the time when Ryan and I enjoyed preparing our meals together, laughing and talking in the kitchen. When we ate by the fire on a big blanket and celebrated our engagement with white chocolate covered strawberries. When we would root for our team at hockey games sharing a soft pretzel with mustard and an italian ice after the second period.

It wasn’t about the calories then, it was about the fun we were having and the traditions/memories being made.

I breifly recalled my experience at the seminar a few days ago when I was reading a post from a very special friend of mine.

Clare has been fabulous ever since I met her at HLS, but the past few weeks, as my downward spiral continued, I was constantly turning to her for support.

She has been an amazing inspiration in my process because I view her as a beautiful person inside and out; a role model for me because she recovered from being sick, and very admirably did it at home.

When I read what she learned at her recent conference, essentially that we need to eat for our insides, rather than our outside; that health and longevitity is more important than trying to be a super-model, I was struck by her words.

I have said this before, but it never registers to me that I am hurting myself.

I am not suicidal or really depressed, and most of the time I feel like a super productive individual, so having a problem is not something I readily admit.

But after reading I kept thinking, the ingredient list on my diet bread takes up nearly half the bag. I am so tired on some weekends, and do not sleep at all because I either a. wake up hungry in the middle of the night, or b. have so much on my mind I never drift off for more than half an hour. I barely ever eat with anyone other than Ryan because I fear I will be completely judged and ridiculed…thus no recent memories of note have been made.

My body is good at being the faker, but eventually I might just crash.

So maybe I should mesh the philosophy of Dr. Lobardo; that our minds can indeed be transformed, and Clare’s retelling of what she learned; the importance of considering overall wellness, I could somehow make some really positive changes.

I am not going to pretend it will be easy to put the feta cheese I purchased onto my salad and not have a minor mental freakout about the “excess” calories.

When I go to make breakfast and it is different than what I deem safe will I want to restrict later? Probably.

But if I look at my delicious loaf of Great Harvest bread, and continue to repeat how amazing it tastes, how much energy it will provide, how on our honeymoon I had the most AMAZING hunk out of a crusty loaf and got to walk the beautiful streets of Barcelona smiling and taking in the culture with my husband, maybe I can convince myself it is ok.

If I do this enough, perhaps it could even become a habit.

Did Michael Phelps become the best swimmer in the world by doing a few laps?

Absolutely not.

It took him a TON of practice; many many many hours of training, which was probably pretty painful.

I don’t even want to become the BEST person at recovery.

I just really don’t want to be in prison forever.

And I want to be happy with myself and my family.

So today my darling significant other will be bringing me a very tasty lunch of a sandwich made on my newly purchased multi-grain and probably a few other of the new goodies that were thrown into my cart…diet bread and sugar free pudding not included.

Happy Monday!


10 thoughts on “Could This Work?!

  1. Were you in Ardmour? Gosh, I was seriously JUST thinking of heading there next weekend. I need to get away…BAD! I’m so glad you’ve been inspired by such wonderful women. It’s so important to reach out to others who truly understand. PS- did you get your tomato basil hummus?? 🙂 ❤ you!

    • You know I did girl! And jalapeño chicken sausages, plus way too many other things 🙂 if you need me I’m here hun! I’d love to see u soon!!!! Miss u

  2. When I was recovering it always helped to remember that everything contains nutrients. Pre-ED I loved popcorn, but then it felt like an “unnecessary” snack. My mom so wisely reminded me how it contained whole grains and fiber and also, it was delicious! I slowly started adding in chocolate chips, which would melt (um delicious). And just had to continue to tell myself that I deserve to ENJOY what I’m eating. So glad you found some great new food finds – hope you really enjoy them!!!

  3. This post reminded me of something i haven’t done in a while and is very helpful to do….if you are feeling bad at all, for whatever reason, or if you are feeling amazing for any reason, chant this: I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m gorgeous. I’ll say it in my head or if no one is around quietly to myself…or my dog lol. It is like training your brain, because we are gorgeous and amazing, even if our brains forget!!

  4. As soon as you mentioned Michael Phelps, all I could think of was “that dude eats 10,000 calories a day!!!” lol. But see, all the more reason to prove that food is fuel and it is NOT your enemy.

    But yes, I totally agree that fake it till you make it works really well at first when you’re trying to get over those big humps in recovery like really challenging yourself, because there’s really no other thing you CAN do. I mean, it’s obviously going to be uncomfortable and it’s obviously going to cause a whirlwind of emotions, but the best you can do is KEEP pushing your limits and keep trying to get out of your skewed comfort zone in order to make true leaps in recovery! Because eventually, they will no longer be challenges, but will turn into a normal part of life.

    Wishing you the best as always 🙂

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