Ryan and I love to travel.
In fact, ever since I was a little girl I have enjoyed venturing to new places, even if it was just for a weekend.
Seeing different environments, people, and having a break to relax is just so much fun, and I was thrilled that I married someone who also appreciates a good time away.
We have been very fortunate to go some pretty awesome places, and I try to save for at least one “big” vacation every year.
A few years ago, when we got married and I graduated from college in the same week, I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate than a European cruise.
Neither of us had ever been to Europe, we both are history enthusiasts, and had heard the Mediterranean in the late spring was just fabulous, so after some hunting I found a great deal and off we were.
I have talked about this trip on several occasions, probably because it was the last “healthy” vacation we had together, and the memories are pricelss.
We were active, learned so much, saw some of the most beautiful places ever, and just had a blast not worrying about food, other than the fact that it was pretty darn delicious.
Since then we returned to Europe, took a cruise to Central America, attended Disney’s Food and Wine Festival and have had weekends away here or there, which I feel so blessed and thankful to have done, BUT in addition to Ryan and I, someone very pesky and annoying came along…
Vacationing with ED sucks.
It completely takes away from a time that I should be focused on rejuvenating, participating and celebrating life, and spending time with people I love, because my mind was constantly somewhere else.
So what does all this have to do with right now?
Well Ryan and I are supposed to take another cruise in June; this time to the Balearic Islands, Spain and France, but he point-blank said, if I did not make a certain amount of progress by May, the trip was getting cancelled.
Of course I responded that there was no way we were going to simply not go because of me. That would just be silly and unnecessary since there really is no danger in us traveling.
Medical issues aside, he pointed out quite a few reasons why he would not want to go with this version of me, and I have to say I somewhat understand.
The stares, overly loud whispers, having to sit next to me in a bathing suit was pretty uncomfortable for him last year. Not to mention, I was terrified of everything I put into my mouth and could barely celebrate our anniversary or my birthday.
The long and short of it is, we really couldn’t just ENJOY or have fun with each other because one of us was constantly stressed out or worried about something, and he does not want to do that again.
This is just another factor contributing to why I NEED to get healthy and still when he said this I partially did not believe him.
A huge part of me was thinking, “He wont cancel our trip! We have been looking forward to this for a while! He just wants me to put on some weight…”
But then the rational mind kicked in and considered that he looked pretty darn serious.
Now will the switch the get healthy turn on?
Will this be what helps me let go of the control that I feel like I am giving up little by little but not nearly enough?
Don’t I want this back?
Yes I do. I want to ride my mope head, with my pink helmet and walk all over ancient ruins.
I want to go to Club Amnesia in Ibiza and dance like no one is watching.
And I really want to do it without ED.