There Are Only Reservations For Two!

Ryan and I love to travel.

In fact, ever since I was a little girl I have enjoyed venturing to new places, even if it was just for a weekend.

Seeing different environments, people, and having a break to relax is just so much fun, and I was thrilled that I married someone who also appreciates a good time away.

We have been very fortunate to go some pretty awesome places, and I try to save for at least one “big” vacation every year.

A few years ago, when we got married and I graduated from college in the same week, I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate than a European cruise.

Neither of us had ever been to Europe, we both are history enthusiasts, and had heard the Mediterranean in the late spring was just fabulous, so after some hunting I found a great deal and off we were.

I have talked about this trip on several occasions, probably because it was the last “healthy” vacation we had together, and the memories are pricelss.

We were active, learned so much, saw some of the most beautiful places ever, and just had a blast not worrying about food, other than the fact that it was pretty darn delicious.

Since then we returned to Europe, took a cruise to Central America, attended Disney’s Food and Wine Festival and have had weekends away here or there, which I feel so blessed and thankful to have done, BUT in addition to Ryan and I, someone very pesky and annoying came along…

Vacationing with ED sucks.

It completely takes away from a time that I should be focused on rejuvenating, participating and celebrating life, and spending time with people I love, because my mind was constantly somewhere else.

So what does all this have to do with right now?

Well Ryan and I are supposed to take another cruise in June; this time to the Balearic Islands, Spain and France, but he point-blank said, if I did not make a certain amount of progress by May, the trip was getting cancelled.

Of course I responded that there was no way we were going to simply not go because of me. That would just be silly and unnecessary since there really is no danger in us traveling.

Medical issues aside, he pointed out quite a few reasons why he would not want to go with this version of me, and I have to say I somewhat understand.

The stares, overly loud whispers, having to sit next to me in a bathing suit was pretty uncomfortable for him last year. Not to mention, I was terrified of everything I put into my mouth and could barely celebrate our anniversary or my birthday.

The long and short of it is, we really couldn’t just ENJOY or have fun with each other because one of us was constantly stressed out or worried about something, and he does not want to do that again.

This is just another factor contributing to why I NEED to get healthy and still when he said this I partially did not believe him.

A huge part of me was thinking, “He wont cancel our trip! We have been looking forward to this for a while! He just wants me to put on some weight…”

But then the rational mind kicked in and considered that he looked pretty darn serious.

Now will the switch the get healthy turn on?

Will this be what helps me let go of the control that I feel like I am giving up little by little but not nearly enough?

Don’t I want this back?

Yes I do. I want to ride my mope head, with my pink helmet and walk all over ancient ruins.

I want to go to Club Amnesia in Ibiza and dance like no one is watching.

And I really want to do it without ED.

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4 thoughts on “There Are Only Reservations For Two!

  1. Vacationing with an eating disorder really does suck and isn’t much of a vacation. I also feel like vacations tend to kick the compulsions/behaviors up a notch, because of the interference with routines and workout availability and knowing exactly what’s in the food. I have wayyyy too many memories of vacations that are really just memories of trying to find public toilets or pacing up and down hotel halls because their gym equipment was broken or sitting there watching other people eat.

    Regardless of whether or not Ryan is “serious” about canceling the trip, I hope you will use this to help you focus on the next step in your recovery process. You deserve to have another (and another and another) happy, healthy vacation!

  2. First, I love your blog! I love how honest you are with us readers. I hope that you continue to reflect and open up about your feelings. Recovering from an ed is hard, but I think the hardest part is the actual deciding that you want 100% free. We all got something from our eds and we have to be willing to give it up and in return we get soooo much more than we even knew we wanted and it’s amazing! I remember many vacations with my husband, before we were married, that the ed was with us and you’re right, it was not as wonderful as it could have been and sometimes it’s hard to think back to all of the times in life that were wasted and ruined by the disease. But, now I look forward to living life free of ed and my marriage grows more and more amazing and full of love everyday because it’s just the two of us..well three of us because God is huge in our marriage. But, no ed! I pray for you and I hope that you and your husband can have a marriage free of ed. I believe ed tries to destroy relationships. There is so much to gain with a life free of ed. I know it’s scary and all the what ifs that go along with deciding to fight, but it’s worth it!

  3. First of all- I LOVE the title of this post! I sort of had an intuition on what it was about and immediately I got happy that you affirm that there are only reservations for TWO! I also love the last three sentences. I think maybe you should read them over and over …just to keep reminding you of your goal 🙂
    Anyway, I also love to travel and visit new places, but because of ED and depression/anxiety, doing so and ENJOYING it is absolutely out of the question. In fact, I am supposed to go to Seattle at the end of April. I’m working so hard so that I can RELAX and enjoy my time…rather than obsessing about what I’m going to eat, or not eat. My goal is to be physically and emotionally healthy so that I can be in the present moment and enjoy myself and the people around me.
    I really hope that your love for traveling and the pending plans for your upcoming trip in June with Ryan help motivate you to fight for your health! 🙂

    • I hope you have the most fabulous trip to Seattle, ever! I have never been there but I would love to see that part of the country some day! Please leave ED here…there is no room for him to go along! xoxoxo!

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