Lots Of Questions

I saw my nutritionist for the first time in a while yesterday afternoon.

It was a very scattered appointment, due to the expansive amount of time between visits, but also because my head is spinning a million different directions. (What else is new?!)

Let’s be honest here, and say that I have not made much progress in the last week, since the new “plan” was implemented.

Sure I ate some things that are considered fear foods, and gave up a little bit of control, but I did not push myself to reach a 12 on the discomfort scale.

I don’t know if I ever told you about this but my therapist alway said if you are not, on a scale from one to ten, at least a twelve on the discomfort level, then you aren’t working hard enough.

As Ryan pointed out, pretty much anything can be considered a challenge to me, minus maybe lettuce, vinegar and water, so my extreme scary moments are maybe not AS BAD as I make them out to be.

I will give you an example.

Yesterday my husband decided he was going to BRING lunch to me at work; meaning I did not pack and portion anything.

Since sandwiches are quite possibly my favorite genre of food (outside breakfast, of course) he suggested he would pick up Subway.

“I know you will eat the turkey and wheat bread, but what if I got you a slice of cheese?”

“No absolutely not. I won’t eat their cheese…I will have a Laughing Cow Wedge on the side.”

“Ok, what else do you want on it?”

“All the vegetables…no olives, just mustard….the yellow mustard.”

The bread is what terrified me, and normally any sort of cheese, even the Laughing Cow Light, would have been considered a no-no, but this week, in an effort to try some new things, I did pick up a container of these delectable little triangles.

Why had I not tried these sooner because they are AMAZING!!

I didn’t think I liked cheese but, thank you Laughing Cow for opening my eyes. You are again on my list for next week.

Back to the story…

Ryan brought my 6-incher to work and as we chatted and ate he asked how I was feeling.

It really did taste fantastic but my stomach was in knots eating what ED considered “too many carbohydrates”…not from fullness but from anxiety.

And then he picked up the napkin.

Damn you Subway for putting your nutritional statistics right on the freakin’ napkins.

“That is all the calories in that sub?! What is scary about that? You know exactly what is on it, how it is made, and an approximate caloric value, how is this scary?!”

He is right in the sense that the sandwich I had this weekend was a bit more intense than this “horrific undertaking” I claimed as my challenge for the day, but I justified my “extreme attempt” as, “well it is a sandwich and that is something I would not have touched before.”

If I am going to be one hundred percent real with myself; bread is definitely something that is difficult for me, but a small Subway sammy, is not a 12.

I have been doing things like this all week and I am totally ashamed to say that as a wrap up to NEDA.

I had the intention of REALLY pushing myself, with at least one thing a day to maybe get some momentum in my journey of recovery, but as the e-mails trickled in asking how my daily challenges were going, I had to evaluate and admit that they weren’t all that great.

It doesn’t, and shouldn’t have to be an official NEDA week for me to try hard.

Nor should I remain this “comfortable” during my process.

Recovery is all about pressing the limits and defying every rule you once thought had to be followed, so if you think about it, challenges should be faced every, single day. I just seem to be great at making excuses, or convincing myself that I am doing so well, stepping out the box in the biggest way, when I am barely crawling forward.

One of the worst parts is I can proclaim this to all of you, and feel like I am completely motivated to do the right thing, but I still panic when things get too hard, a nutritional statistic seems too high, or a triggering comment is made, and then fall-apart.

I feel as if I live in an alternate universe, where my mind is incredibly warped and out of touch with reality, that I believe I am totally normal, healthy and productive.

I almost wish something would happen, a sign, maybe, to show me that there is a problem and I need to change.

When is that switch going to go off that signals I just need to let go, and life could be better than what I am living right this very second.

I’m waiting! But perhaps this is the lazy way out…another excuse?

Should it become my sole responsibility to get healthy, even if I am not convinced I am THAT sick?

When will I feel that I am worthy of a better life?

Can I please turn my brain off for one second to have a break because I am seriously exhausted.

The weekend couldn’t have come soon enough.

Please tell me what fabulous plans you all have.

On my agenda, be truthful and do something to prove I am committed to me, my family and getting well.



15 thoughts on “Lots Of Questions

  1. This is a verse I’ve been repeating to myself to help me keep my Lent promises:

    So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:17

    For me, it is so humbling to think that I am not just hurting myself by overeating, but I am sinning against God. It is so hard for me to remember that all sin is equal in God’s eyes – so my overeating is just as bad as murdering someone. I hope this doesn’t come across as me trying to scare you, because I’m not, but it helps me to pray everyday that God would help me to see sin through His eyes so that I realize how destructive it can be. The good news of course is that we do not have to be condemned for our sins because God offers us forgiveness through Jesus. I don’t know if this will help you or not but I just wanted to throw it out there because it really has been helping me!

    • that is true. I feel so selfish most times when I engage in ED behaviors, and have so much guilt, but I easily forget when I am faced with a touch decision again.
      thank you for always providing such great wisdom. you are an angel ❤

  2. Just one thought…this ugly illness is bigger than you (and Ryan)….you can probably fill in the blanks for the completion of my thought…..xoxo

  3. “I feel as if I live in an alternate universe, where my mind is incredibly warped and out of touch with reality, that I believe I am totally normal, healthy and productive.”

    THIS. Last night I was hanging out in my room getting distracted from my school work, and I started thinking about ED crap (surprise, surprise), and somehow in the course of 5 minutes of thinking, I came to this “epiphany” that I’ve never really had an eating disorder at all, so doing anything to change is no big deal. Ummmm…yeah. This was maybe 20 minutes after purging the only meal I’d had all day. And yet I had honestly convinced myself I was just fine, maybe a little odd, but definitely not SICK or anything.

    You say, “Should it become my sole responsibility to get healthy, even if I am not convinced I am THAT sick?”

    If ED’d people waited until we thought we were “THAT sick”, no one would ever get help (except the Tumblr wannas, haha). Not believing we are really sick, rationalizing our behaviors, comparing ourselves to “that time I was thinner/ate less/purged more and survived, so obviously I’m fine now” or the “OMG 45-pound anorexics who only eats lettuce!” on Oprah…it’s all very much the eating disordered mentality doing that, keeping us in the “safe” zone of our behaviors.

    Whether or not you want to make it your sole responsibility to get healthy (as in going IP or IOP) right now is your choice, of course. But if you’re waiting until you’re “sick enough”, or for a sign, you might be waiting forever.

    Take care. <3333

    • that is very true, that if we waited long enough to get “that sick” we would never get help…my therapist used to always say “the best anorexic is buried in the ground” kind of morbid but anyway, you get the point.
      I justify every single one of my behaviors because I am not yet on a feeding tube in the ICU, but really, is that where I want to be? NO!
      I hope you had a nice weekend hun…less ED consumed at least ❤

  4. My plans for tonight is to get the burger (with cheese and bacon!) and fries that I have been craving allll week, and I’m going to feel NO guilt for it! My wish for you is that you can someday get to the point where you can indulge and eat something you enjoy without guilt.

  5. It’s hard for me to relate to your stories anymore… because I just remember when I was so weak and so FINISHED with the torment of ED that I gave into recovery (when will you finally have enough of it?)… and actually began to enjoy it after I passed the uncomfort. Sure I still struggle with decisions (mainly when I’m stressed), but I no longer make bad choices and the logical me prevails. I eat what I want, when I want, and I’m not a whale, therefore, I realized I have NOTHING to worry about. So long ED! You need to realize this too and just… move on. I’m probably sounding like your therapist, but really, it’s got to reach a point where enough is enough.

    • I am sorry you cant relate but you do provide a lot of hope for me since you did once understand and now feel so much more free. Thanks for your input Jess. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate you trying to help me so much. I really do need to change, but you know how much easier said than done that can be.

  6. Thanks for sharing what we all feel a lot of the time or much of the time during recovery. I appreciate you humility!! Keep on keeping on, and know you have a whole community here who understands AND loves you! Ed sucks.

  7. Try living in California – the put the nutrition facts on all the menus by law! It’s awful! I think it’s actually unhealthy for everybody. It’s like just shaming people. It’s not the solution to the obesity epidemic in my opinion. I went for ice cream last week and then just walked out when I saw the calories right next to it. I am not even a calorie counter and don’t have fear foods (I just have issues with my stomach feeling full, it’s weird) and it still bugged me a lot.

    Keep up the hard work girl!

    • I agree about the “shaming.” It is as if a person cannot just go in and enjoy what they are getting without being reminded if it is a “good” or “bad” choice.
      I hope you enjoyed your ice cream! and thanks for the encouragement 🙂

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