Trying On Some New Shoes

So I told you yesterday blogging was not necessarily on my agenda for the weekend and that is because I had a jam-packed family filled few days.

Ok, so maybe they weren’t overly active days but my mom did come home and I spent as much time with her as I could.

It was hands-down one of the best and most productive visits we have had in a while and I needed to take full advantage of her support because now she won’t be home for another few weeks.

You see, when it comes to my eating disorder, usually my mom and I pretend it doesn’t exist or fight non-stop because of how selfish I am.

But these past few days it was different…

She finally opened up and told me her fears, her feelings and how scared she is because of how much she loves and cares.

It was as if I was waiting to hear this or something; like I needed her permission to turn a corner.

Or maybe I just needed to try on some new shoes; put myself in the place of Ryan, my mom and all the others out there who are worried for my well-being and just want to see me get healthy.

It isn’t necessarily that they feel I am completely self-absorbed, but more that they had no idea how to understand the rituals and distorted thoughts that were behind behaviors that were both literally and physically taking my life.

Thursday and Friday night we went out to dinner, which regardless of the restaurant is always a challenge, and on the first night she encouraged me to eat my entire portion of fish and on the second, since Ryan was also along, she spoke up and said, she no longer felt I could do this alone.

Uh, yes. I have been saying that for a very long time.

She continued that she had spoken to someone and finally got that my brain just simply would not let me make rational decisions without going absolutely insane afterwards with negative self-talk, a need to act-out, etc.

I felt so relieved, and I really cannot explain why.

I believed she finally understood and I was no longer as crazy as she always made me seem, or feel.

I have told you guys before. My mom is so important to me. Since she had me at such a young age, she was more than a role-model but a friend, mentor and teacher that I looked up to in so many ways.

(Her closet is just fabulous…)

All I wanted was her approval, which I know probably sounds horrible and as a grown woman I should not always need mommy’s “ok,” but I just want our relationship restored.

I want her to ask me to go shopping, to go away for weekends, go to brunch or just talk.

I loved sitting with her Saturday night, watching the Bodyguard, or having an early Sunday lunch at my favorite cafe feeling so much more comfortable trying the most challenging sandwich of my entire lifetime just because she was there. (More on that Wednesday :-))

I have alluded to this in past posts, but I feel like I am stuck as a 7-year-old; when my body obsession and diet-craze began.

I am still that little girl who needs her mom and the only way I can get past that is to have some closure that I finally do have her.

This weekend was a step in that direction, and I apologize for not writing, I just had to enjoy that as much as I could.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a fantastic start to the week!

Remember NEDA Awareness!!!


10 thoughts on “Trying On Some New Shoes

  1. Aw, so glad you and your mom had a great weekend!

    I’m intrigued by this idea of being “stuck” at a certain age, since I’ve felt that way for awhile (personally) and your blog is the first I’ve seen about this. Do you have any reading/resources on that, and how to heal through it (e.g. actually process those years in a healthy way, and “catch up” to where we are in life without feeling like “Oh, I’m 2x years old, but feel like I’m 7” which is just really confusing!)?

    • I also have the “stuck” feeling regarding my ED–although for me it lines up more with when my eating became severely disordered and clinically diagnosable (when I was 14), rather than when I started having disordered thoughts/behaviors (also 7-ish). I’m really interested in this, as it seems to relate to the fairly common theory that (some) EDs are in part a way of “not growing up”; it’s interesting to consider which came first. I’ve read a couple of articles about being “stuck” in the age of onset, though I can’t find any at the moment (I’m at work…ha), and I know there isn’t as much research out there as there should be, based on how common this seems to be in the ED community.

      Also, CJ, I’m really glad you had this experience with your mom. I was also with my parents this weekend, and I definitely reflect and reevaluate whenever I talk to my mom about it. And congratulations on opening up with her. ❤

      • It seems as if we have so much in commong. If I find anything on the topic of being stuck at a younger age I will let you know because I really think it could be an important part of recovery, at least for me.
        I hope you had a great weekend with your family!!

    • I am going to look into some literature about it, because you are right, it is a really interesting and imperative part of recovery, I think. I will definitely let you know if I find anything. It is just something I had been exploring personally.

  2. No apologies my dear…what you were doing is exactly what you needed to be doing….and I applaud you for that! You are so worth it! I pray that your mother is able to continue on this recovery journey with you. What a tremendous start to NEDA week! The person you needed to have the most awareness….is getting it! Xox

  3. This post made me so happy and happy for you as well CJ! A major part of this recovery is being honest with not only yourself, but with others as well. I know she knows about what is going on, but talking about it will continue to help both of you so so much

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