So I told you yesterday blogging was not necessarily on my agenda for the weekend and that is because I had a jam-packed family filled few days.
Ok, so maybe they weren’t overly active days but my mom did come home and I spent as much time with her as I could.
It was hands-down one of the best and most productive visits we have had in a while and I needed to take full advantage of her support because now she won’t be home for another few weeks.
You see, when it comes to my eating disorder, usually my mom and I pretend it doesn’t exist or fight non-stop because of how selfish I am.
But these past few days it was different…
She finally opened up and told me her fears, her feelings and how scared she is because of how much she loves and cares.
It was as if I was waiting to hear this or something; like I needed her permission to turn a corner.
Or maybe I just needed to try on some new shoes; put myself in the place of Ryan, my mom and all the others out there who are worried for my well-being and just want to see me get healthy.
It isn’t necessarily that they feel I am completely self-absorbed, but more that they had no idea how to understand the rituals and distorted thoughts that were behind behaviors that were both literally and physically taking my life.
Thursday and Friday night we went out to dinner, which regardless of the restaurant is always a challenge, and on the first night she encouraged me to eat my entire portion of fish and on the second, since Ryan was also along, she spoke up and said, she no longer felt I could do this alone.
Uh, yes. I have been saying that for a very long time.
She continued that she had spoken to someone and finally got that my brain just simply would not let me make rational decisions without going absolutely insane afterwards with negative self-talk, a need to act-out, etc.
I felt so relieved, and I really cannot explain why.
I believed she finally understood and I was no longer as crazy as she always made me seem, or feel.
I have told you guys before. My mom is so important to me. Since she had me at such a young age, she was more than a role-model but a friend, mentor and teacher that I looked up to in so many ways.
(Her closet is just fabulous…)
All I wanted was her approval, which I know probably sounds horrible and as a grown woman I should not always need mommy’s “ok,” but I just want our relationship restored.
I want her to ask me to go shopping, to go away for weekends, go to brunch or just talk.
I loved sitting with her Saturday night, watching the Bodyguard, or having an early Sunday lunch at my favorite cafe feeling so much more comfortable trying the most challenging sandwich of my entire lifetime just because she was there. (More on that Wednesday :-))
I have alluded to this in past posts, but I feel like I am stuck as a 7-year-old; when my body obsession and diet-craze began.
I am still that little girl who needs her mom and the only way I can get past that is to have some closure that I finally do have her.
This weekend was a step in that direction, and I apologize for not writing, I just had to enjoy that as much as I could.
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a fantastic start to the week!
Remember NEDA Awareness!!!