I am so annoyed with myself right this very second.
I have a friend, who I actually met in treatment a few years ago, and she is still really struggling.
I think the world of this person and have full confidence that she will one day be a successful, beautiful, happy woman. She absolutely deserves nothing less, but when it comes to convincing her that she needs extra help, like serious intensive professional help, she just doesn’t believe it.
I get it. I totally do because every person who is sick will say, “Oh I am not sick enough…thin enough…I am not that bad…” but with starvation, and malnutrition in general (you don’t have to be underweight to be malnourished, by the way) your brain does not function properly.
It isn’t rational at all, and the ED voice is a huge liar that will tell you anything it can to remain in your life.
So of course yesterday as she is texting me, telling me her situation, I told her to come home from college immediately and get the assistance she needs to eliminate ED. The longer she waits the worse it will be and with every relapse I find I have a new standard of low, in regards to weight, more rituals I embrace, etc. and it becomes infinitely harder to crawl back out of the hole.
I am typing this to her frantically, trying to convey the severity of her deteriorating health and how she needs to do this now, she will regret it later, etc. etc. etc.
And then I feel preachy, and didn’t want to come across as mean or like a dictator because that was not my intention at all. I think the fury behind my message was because I see so much of myself in her.
She is so vibrant and full of life, but when ED takes over it completely ruins, takes away EVERYTHING and I do not want her to make the same mistakes I did.
Or I guess I need to rephrase that and say, I do not want her to make the same mistakes I DO.
I was giving her the advice I should probably give myself…
But like I said, we never view ourselves as the ones with major problems…
The advice is never pertinent to me…
Don’t weigh yourself…you are so much more than a number.
You absolutely deserve to have delicious tasting food.
You are beautiful and an amazing person.
These are things I tell all my friends and I mean them whole heartedly, but as my lent incorporation suggested, I am horrible at telling myself.
“Oh you want some nuts, CJ? Well too bad you ate enough today!”
“You are tired and want to sleep past 4:00 a.m.? Definitely not because you are too lazy to work out after school and you CERTAINLY may not have a rest day!”
Yup, I am mean.
I am a horrible mean beotch to myself and it needs to stop.
Day two of lent did not go as well as planned, but third time is the charm, right?!
Day three will be fabulous.
Especially since it is Friday!!