Fresh Start Friday

I am so annoyed with myself right this very second.

I have a friend, who I actually met in treatment a few years ago, and she is still really struggling.

I think the world of this person and have full confidence that she will one day be a successful, beautiful, happy woman. She absolutely deserves nothing less, but when it comes to convincing her that she needs extra help, like serious intensive professional help, she just doesn’t believe it.

I get it. I totally do because every person who is sick will say, “Oh I am not sick enough…thin enough…I am not that bad…” but with starvation, and malnutrition in general (you don’t have to be underweight to be malnourished, by the way) your brain does not function properly.

It isn’t rational at all, and the ED voice is a huge liar that will tell you anything it can to remain in your life.

So of course yesterday as she is texting me, telling me her situation, I told her to come home from college immediately and get the assistance she needs to eliminate ED. The longer she waits the worse it will be and with every relapse I find I have a new standard of low, in regards to weight, more rituals I embrace, etc. and it becomes infinitely harder to crawl back out of the hole.

I am typing this to her frantically, trying to convey the severity of her deteriorating health and how she needs to do this now, she will regret it later, etc. etc. etc.

And then I feel preachy, and didn’t want to come across as mean or like a dictator because that was not my intention at all. I think the fury behind my message was because I see so much of myself in her.

She is so vibrant and full of life, but when ED takes over it completely ruins, takes away EVERYTHING and I do not want her to make the same mistakes I did.

Or I guess I need to rephrase that and say, I do not want her to make the same mistakes I DO.

I was giving her the advice I should probably give myself…

But like I said, we never view ourselves as the ones with major problems…

The advice is never pertinent to me…

Don’t weigh yourself…you are so much more than a number.

You absolutely deserve to have delicious tasting food.

You are beautiful and an amazing person.

These are things I tell all my friends and I mean them whole heartedly, but as my lent incorporation suggested, I am horrible at telling myself.

“Oh you want some nuts, CJ? Well too bad you ate enough today!”

“You are tired and want to sleep past 4:00 a.m.? Definitely not because you are too lazy to work out after school and you CERTAINLY may not have a rest day!”

Yup, I am mean.

I am a horrible mean beotch to myself and it needs to stop.

Day two of lent did not go as well as planned, but third time is the charm, right?!

Day three will be fabulous.

Especially since it is Friday!!

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15 thoughts on “Fresh Start Friday

  1. I completely get this, and I find myself doing it all the time. In addition to my “ed friends”, my best friend from high school has dealt with an eating disorder/disordered eating for a while and I’m practically obsessed with trying to figure out how she’s currently doing and working on new ways to convince her to get better. Why is it so much harder to be reasonable with ourselves than with others?

  2. I honestly believe that one of the most significant parts in my recovery was when I was finally able to realize that my desires to help others were far stronger than my own and if I ever wanted to help them, I needed to be a good example.

  3. Unfortunately I messed up on my Lent promise as well yesterday. But reading this gives me new hope for today and I hope it will give you new hope as well. Happy Friday!

    28 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
    The LORD is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
    He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
    29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
    30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
    31 but those who hope in the LORD
    will renew their strength.
    They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

  4. I could definitely relate to this post! I sometimes find myself “preaching” to my friends in recovery and later when I reflect on the situation, I realize I should be saying those exact things to myself!
    Maybe we should think of some kind words of wisdom we would say to our friends….and then- say them to OURSELVES! 🙂
    Hope your day three of lent is a positive one so far!

  5. Hey CJ,

    I have been reading your blog for a while and I can relate to everything. This post in particular reminds me alot of me. I want to help others more then I want to help myself and I give others amazing advice that I don’t even follow! I have been dealing with this for almost 6 years, although the past year has been my “rock bottom”. I just finished reading the book “Unbearable Lightness” by Portia De Rossi and I cried for 3 hours straight once I finished. I felt like she was me, and that I was the one telling the story. I was thinking “wow this girl is crazyyy”, when in fact I AM her and I should be the one telling myself how crazy I am to do this to my own body! Anyways, as soon as I finished.. I called my mom and told her I wanted help NOW. Im sick of this and I want to do whatever I have to do to get better even if it means gaining 40 pounds and having to put some things in my life aside for the time being. I made a doctors apt for this week and I am making the rest of the year of 2012 about ME. I am going to take the advice that I give everyone else and day by day I hope to slowly get better. Anyways, Im’ kind of babbling on and on here, but I just really understand what your going through and I hope 2012 only goes up from here for you 🙂 Forget about yesterday and treat each day as a brand new day. Never give up!
    I’ll start commenting here more rather then just reading, haha!

    ❤ Shannon

    • Shannon,
      your comment is so touching. i hate to think that others struggle like i do but i am SO proud of you for reaching out to your mom and seeking help. NO ONE deserves a life like this and I wish you luck conquering your journey ahead. You are so not alone in this and if there is ANYTHING i can do to help you, i am totally here. I can probably understand more than you know 🙂
      please keep me posted and stay strong.
      you are worth all the fight!
      so much love!
      CJ

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