The Fear Is Always Worse

I love cross country skiing.

Being outside, in gorgeous scenery, gliding around in peace with Ryan is absolutely one of my favorite winter-time activities.

It wasn’t something I grew up with, or even tried before college, but my Sophomore year I was watching Great Hotels on the Travel Channel and the most beautiful resort was being featured; Mohonk Mountain House.

I have written about it before, since it is where Ryan proposed and arguably one of the most fabulous places in the world, but after watching Samantha Brown gush over the restored castle, mountain air, and service beyond compare, I knew we had to go.

That December Ryan and I piled all our stuff in the car and drove through a major snowstorm, for nearly four hours, to make our destination.

It was our first trip just the two of us, and a little winter weather was not stopping us from enjoying a few days off.

We were both amazed by the accommodations, amenities and family-feel of our getaway, and having all activities included in the price was just another thing that made Mohonk tops on my list, but neither of us had a plan as far as what recreation we were going to do.

We never really discussed it actually, which is totally not like me, since I pretty much schedule everything, but I was nervous about my long weekend with a guy I was pretty darn in love with.

With all the snow some of the employees suggested we either snow-shoe or borrow some of their skis.

We tried the shoeing and it was fun, but as we saw others gracefully moving through the fresh powder on their skis, we were intrigued.

Ok, I was intrigued but scared.

I had never done something like that before, and the perfectionist in me started to emerge saying, “DO NOT cross country ski. You will look like an idiot in front of someone you want to like you. Tell him you want to do something else.”

I didn’t want to even TRY to ski because, oh my gosh I could fail!

Ryan really wanted to go, so the people-pleasing side of me took over and reluctantly agreed.

Thankfully he had never done it either so we were both newbies struggling to balance and put on the equipment, but once we both stood I felt some relief.

I looked like a penguin waddling around trying not to take huge strides and completely wipe out, but we were waddling together!

We laughed, we fell, we saw some of the most mesmerizing landscapes ever, and we conquered something I was so fearful to try.

By day four we were like professionals (ok, maybe not) passing others, going fast, maneuvering around sharp turns, and climbing elevations we didn’t even think to attempt before.

I was remembering these moments the other day as I was encouraging a friend to try something she was also scared of, and explained that in my situation, although I was petrified to mess up, once I got started the end result was SO worth it.

Wow. Am I the best advice giver and worst ever follower?

Wouldn’t you think I could apply my cross-country skiing adventure to another, very important aspect of my life?

I have the same wonderful person, and many others, who are by my side as I embark on a journey toward the unknown; a full life of health.

I might have similar fears; failure, looking stupid, being judged, but honestly if Mohonk’s excursion can teach me anything, it should be that sometimes the most nerve-wracking experiences turn out to be our best.

Sometimes the results from testing those challenges are the ones most worthwhile.

Maybe I should start taking my own darn advice and just stand up.

So what if I fall?

No one is perfect.

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9 thoughts on “The Fear Is Always Worse

  1. Wow. I found this post incredibly moving for some reason.

    I’m definitely someone who is guilty of not taking my own advice, and your post has helped me realise this.

    Thanks so much for your well-written words of wisdom. You are the bomb 🙂

    And make sure you keep trying to listen to your own advice, cos from the sounds of it you have some good advice tucked away!

    • you have to! it really is so much fun!!! and you can go as fast or as slow, as far or as short, there is no one there to judge! awesome awesome winter acitivity!

  2. I love this. So what if I fall? That’s so true. There is no shame in falling; I feel like it’s how we get back up that matters. That’s really comforting.

    I LOVE cross country skiing, and I actually do it on a team. You’re so right; it’s just perfect in the winter. Skiing gave me a reality-check in my recovery because it showed me how much weaker I was and miserably cold when I was sick. I knew I didn’t feel that way when I was healthy; it was so much more enjoyable when I was healthy. Sometimes it takes something like that to show us HEY, YOU DO NEED TO GET BETTER… FOR YOU.

    Girl, you are mentally equipped to take on recovery and LIFE… you think and write such beautiful things, and your struggle is going to make you so much stronger and help you understand and relate to so many people in the end.

    Let your faith overpower all your fears… forget about the fear as much as you can; I feel like that’s what helped me.

    You are so strong and so inspiring, and I just love coming over here to read what you write. Thanks for being you.

    Take Care of Yourself. ❤

    • Jocelyn, thank you for the encouragement and sharing your experience! its so nice to find someone who enjoys the peace of skiing as well, and you are right, we havent gone this winter because my husband is so nervous it is too intense of a workout! ED has taken away so many things and that is what I need to remember everytime I want to turn to a behavior!
      thanks for the comment hun!!! ❤ thank you for being YOU!

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