Learning Self-Care

Something I am not good at is taking care of myself.

I used to believe my “me time” was daily 4:00 am treadmill sessions and some people would make me feel horribly selfish for that so scheduling something after work or during the day, that would make me happy, seemed absolutely out of the question.

“Think about what you could be doing from 4-5 am. You could be using that time to clean or get more productive things done….”

These type of statements made me feel as if I was the most horrible person in the world for taking sixty minutes in the morning to start the day in a manner I felt was pretty darn appropriate.

Obviously my rigidity in regards to always having to use the treadmill at that time is part of my disorder, so this might not be the BEST example, but thinking about cleaning or doing some sort of chore before an 8.5 hour work day seemed like torture.

Similar comments would be made if I took a nap on the weekend, or opted to go shopping instead of polishing the woodwork.

Being an adult and maintaining the responsibilities of a home and as a wife should be my full-time job, not entertaining myself…

Uh, on what planet?

Isn’t part of being healthy maintaining some sort of balance?/

I bought into these ridiculous theories for a really long time, which would only add to the mental berating and negative self-talk that incessantly played in my head about how inadequate I was as a person.

“Maybe I should get up earlier, then I could have more hours to do things that are important as a home owner…maybe I am just a loser who wasn’t meant to be married and have nice things and….”

This is really sad.

It all comes back to the basic idea that I am not worthy. I don’t deserve to take care of ME. I am not deserving of an enjoyable life. Everyone else should be my priority and I can only take time for myself when no one is awake so I do not disrupt the peace of my home.

I honestly and truly believed these things.

Well I told you all last week I was going to attempt a challenge every day, and I am proud to announce I have.

This weekend was a really good start for me nutritionally, but also in regards to overall wellness and trying to learn moderation and balance.

  • I did not walk on the day I participated in Zumba, instead doing some gentle stretches in the morning since my muscles were pretty sore.
  • I got a massage where my therapist repeatedly asked what the heck I did for a living because I was the most tense person he had ever rubbed.
  • Ryan and I got outside in the fresh air, with our puppies and took a few laps around the neighborhood to talk and enjoy the abnormally warm weather.
  • We prepared meals together and discussed a plan that made us both feel “comfortable” with at-home recovery.
  • I took naps every single day (this is a seriously major step considering daytime snoozes were always deemed “a waste of time” in my world) since I am absolutely exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open some afternoons.
  • We spent time with both our families and went out to dinner with Ryan’s parents, and 18 of his aunts, uncles and cousins (sushi…amazing 🙂 )

Don’t get me wrong. There were some difficult times when I fought him about portions, or needing more exercise for this amount of food. And of course we are still a bit annoyed/shaken up about the whole robbery thing, but overall it was really nice to relax and be with each other.

Maybe there is something to this whole balance thing?!

P.S. I have to say thank you for all your support and suggestions during this process, especially while Ryan was away. Every one of your ideas, and all the positive encouragement aided in me having an incredibly blessed weekend, and I cannot express how precious that was.

So thanks, Bl-iends! I hope you all start the week with a smile 🙂


11 thoughts on “Learning Self-Care

  1. It is SO refreshing to find an eating disorder recovery blog that is so positive and committed to health and wellness while still being real! Thank you!!

  2. That sounds wonderful! Sometimes it’s hard to allow yourself more relaxation time or whatever, but when you do it and it feels good, that’s when you realize what this whole recovery business is all about! 😉 It’s also times like these where I remind myself that my ED can just shove it and leave me alone because some days, I just don’t have the energy to do a scheduled workout or whatever it may be. Learning to go with the flow and not be so rigid takes much getting used to and a lot of practice, but the more you do it, the more comfortable you get with it.

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