Starting thursday night, I feel like these past few days have been a blur.
I picked Ryan up from the airport, which was most definitely the highlight of the weekend, because we came home to discover more stuff was stolen.
It was taken at the same time as the computer and Playstation, but with a second set of eyes and his knowledge of our “inventory,” we came to find a few other possessions were gone, as well.
My camera, a Playstation game and some accessories, cash, my medicine and two of his watches; one of which I got him as an engagement gift.
We called the police, reported more of the items and called it a night.
We were both exhausted, sad, and just wanted a new day to come.
I took Friday off because I had a few doctor appointment’s scheduled and since Ryan surprised me by coming home, he had volunteered to go with me and then we could enjoy a nice lunch out and an entire day side by side.
None of that happened.
Instead he went to our insurance company to claim our losses, and we did some follow-up work to see what more we could do about the situation.
Not necessarily how I envisioned his homecoming, but at least we had two more days together before I had to go back to work (yes, President’s Day is a FLOOD make-up day for my school districtso Monday I will be at work 😦 ).
Since many of you have asked, Ryan and I did find time to discuss the conversation I had with my therapist and establish a plan of action for recovery.
Although I had days to think about it, push myself to do well in his absence and make better decisions to benefit our family, I totally procrastinated and was completely unprepared as far as the side I wanted to present.
I knew the discussion was inevitable, but I guess I believed if I ignored it long enough it might just go away.
Obviously, that was not the case, and the only thing I could say for sure was going back to a treatment facility was out of the question.
I don’t necessarily think Ryan was one hundred percent on board with my adamance about an at-home recovery plan, but as I have said many times before, it doesn’t matter WHERE I am, the only thing that can possibly help me get better is ME committing.
I can commit here just as well as I could commit in a hospital, arguably even more, I just need a lot of help.
Hopefully this weekend is an indication of how a home-based program can work because I was kind of proud of my accomplishments.
The biggest, and definitely most helpful, change made has been my inability to control 2 meals.
I still prepare my own breakfast, mostly because no one else is awake at 5:00 in the gosh darn morning, but I am happy to say I have not cut back at all knowing the rest of the day is out of my hands.
For the other two we have either enjoyed restaurants, or Ryan has assisted in the making, and portioning of my serving.
There was a little pushback at first, and I know I will still argue with him in the future, just because that is the nature of the disorder, but I have tried to remember he is not trying to hurt me, or instantaneously make me blow up like a balloon. He is trying to help my body heal, and come back to life.
There is not a doubt in my mind that Ryan is a wonderful man, but even the most patient people have a threshold.
I could see it in his eyes when he was telling me how heartbreaking it was to watch his brother and his girlfriend happily splitting meals, splurging to go to a fancy establishment on Valentine’s Day, sleeping-in, making dinners, and genuinely happy to just be together.
He is close to his breaking point, and that is something I need to remember when I want to only add a teaspoon of nut butter to my oatmeal.
Is it worth losing someone I love because I am scared to gain a few pounds?
Everything in me says NO, absolutely not!
Ryan and my family are the most important things in the world, the BEST parts of my life; ED just doesn’t like to let me think so.