We Are Only Prepared To See What We Wish To Confront

Last night I had a meeting with my old therapist….one I stopped going to probably because she is one of the most honest people I have ever met.

When I say honest, I mean she will literally look me in the eye and say, “CJ, cut the bull*hit right now and come back when you are ready to do this.”

That is pretty much where we are right now.

In our session she was kind of evaluating where I was and just paused, followed by a suggestion that I ruled COMPLETELY out of the question due to many factors, but then she gave a sort of ultimatum.

I don’t really have medical rights anymore. Last year my husband took them over because I signed myself out of two separate facilities early. I understood why he basic guardianship because in all seriousness, last December I was NOT in a place to make life decisions.

All that being said, my counselor suggested we establish a “contract,” where if I do not meet a certain criteria in recovery by a specified date, I will go to a more controlled environment…aka treatment facility.

Since Ryan is not home, and her request caught me off guard I asked if I could have a few days to think it over, talk to my husband, and maybe we could all get on the same page. She agreed, I left and I spent 45 minutes in the car with my mind going 9865046 miles a minute trying to process what just happened.

Am I in denial? I don’t have that big of a problem.

That’s what my head tells me, of course.

After all, I still get my period (thanks to birth control) I go to work and am more productive than some of the supposed “healthy” people I know, and just the other day I reached out for help at work and they were unaware there was even a medical issue.

All these things confirm to me that intense recovery is unnecessary.

Isn’t it funny how our brains try to trick us?

I keep teetering back and forth between, “I am fine and can make small changes and totally be medically stable with an awesome life in no time at all,” to “holy shmoly I need to do something FAST, because people die from being sick!”

This see-saw is so frequent it makes it hard for me to decipher the truth, and so I continue the incessant debate trying to figure out what plan is best for me, and our family.

Fortunately, Ryan surprised me and flew home early, so I picked him up last night and since I have a few doctor’s appointments scheduled for today anyway, I took a medical day and we are going to enjoy brunch together and just spend time catching up.

Perhaps it is time for me to rely on those around me, those who have my best interest at heart, regardless of what I want to believe sometimes, to take more control if I am that incapable or, “delusional.”

It must be frustrating for my loved ones, and you guys to read similar things, every, single, day.

As my therapist told me the other night, she is not a fan of people repeating the same things over and over again expecting the same results.

Hello, insanity!

At least it is Friday! Have a fabulous weekend, everyone 🙂


10 thoughts on “We Are Only Prepared To See What We Wish To Confront

  1. The contract sounds like a good game plan for you. You’re still in control, but if you don’t do what you’re supposed to, you are prepared to let those who love you determine what is best. I’m sending you lots of good vibes.*

  2. I have a zero bull therapist myself. Love her. Truly do. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable at times — learning is very rarely an effortless stream of gold stars.

    BTW — you don’t have a menstrual cycle (you know that). Oral contraceptives do squat for reversing osteoporosis and they barely slow the bone loss down at all in fact. And just like sleep deprivation, your own ability to assess your productivity is profoundly impaired by starvation, so don’t be so sure that you are working as efficiently and seamlessly as you would be if you were properly nourished.

    I’m just taking the opportunity to push back on your ED-voice on your behalf.

    It’s not your brain tricking you, it’s the ED.

    We can all apply this in our lives — when more than one family member tries to suggest the current boyfriend is disastrous for us, we always benefit if we pay attention rather than dig our heels in.

    Several folks (some close, some not) have suggested inpatient care at this point. The ED is a very abusive ‘boyfriend’ and it doesn’t need your protection or love anymore. Also, just like abusive boyfriends, an ED doesn’t learn and it certainly never changes.

    Continuing with the abusive boyfriend analogy: I really don’t think you should continue to have any contact with ED at all. If that means your family has to stick a bag over your head and steal you away from it in the middle of the night and have you ‘de-programmed’ far away from all its apologies and sending you flowers and promising that this time will be different, then maybe you should let them save you.

    And just like the very abusive boyfriend that he is, ED has insidiously taken away all your self-worth to the point where you are sure you deserve all the abuse.

    The problem is that CJ can certainly sign and live by a contract, but the ED won’t and CJ always does whatever ED wants because she’s too scared to do anything else.

    Abusive men are very skilled at terrorizing their victims to the point of creating complete immobility and nihilism in their target. Is an eating disorder really any different?

    • that is such a powerful analogy to me because my sister was with an abusive guy and we tried SO hard to make her see, and she was just so blind. My gosh it is bizarre how similar our mindsets are. Thank you for pointing that out. I never thought to look at it that way. ❤ as always Gwyneth. You are such a wonderful support and are amazingly insightful!

  3. I think the above analogy is really awesome.

    I also am really proud of the steps you are taking to reach out to your old therapist and your coworkers. I will definitely be interested to hear what you and Ryan decide and how your appointments go tomorrow.

    I think it would be awesome if you had a Christian counselor/therapist too who could help you with the spiritual aspect of this journey and help you to see how much your Father in heaven loves you. He is a much better father than anyone on earth could ever be – He loves you unconditionally and will never ever leave you.

    I continue to pray for you CJ and sincerely hope God is giving you the strength to take the necessary steps to get better.

  4. I would be like your therapist and give you some tough love.
    You say you “absolutely do not” want inpatient….that you can do this at home but you need a LOT of help…well, that is all good and dandy..BUT when your ED is something that consumes you 24-7 and that you have dealt with for years and obviously have a LONG way to go…is that FAIR to others?
    I am NOT saying you are selfish to require help or others times…BUT Ryan wanted a marriage ..not a babysitting ritual..this is his life too and he never signed up for marrying an ED but a woman he loved and could be with. Imagine if the tables were turned and you basically had to give up your meals, your time, your leisure opportunities all because of your partner were entrapped in a disorder. Did you sign up for that kind of life? Would it be fair to you to change you life dreams and hopes and daily routines simply because the other person refused to seek other help or refused to change themselves, etc? YOU have to do it for YOU….and yes, you do need family and friends support…BUT where do you draw the line? If you are STILL struggling with a damn teaspoon of nut butter, jeez CJ, wake up! Get more therapy. If you do not go inpatient, then at the very very very least consider intensive outpatient. Something.

    • I really appreciate the feedback and honesty! I agree this is a big burden on my husband and if by Friday things are not working then we will definitely revisit other options. It’s good to have someone with a different prospective provide their opinion so thank u.

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