Last night I had a meeting with my old therapist….one I stopped going to probably because she is one of the most honest people I have ever met.
When I say honest, I mean she will literally look me in the eye and say, “CJ, cut the bull*hit right now and come back when you are ready to do this.”
That is pretty much where we are right now.
In our session she was kind of evaluating where I was and just paused, followed by a suggestion that I ruled COMPLETELY out of the question due to many factors, but then she gave a sort of ultimatum.
I don’t really have medical rights anymore. Last year my husband took them over because I signed myself out of two separate facilities early. I understood why he basic guardianship because in all seriousness, last December I was NOT in a place to make life decisions.
All that being said, my counselor suggested we establish a “contract,” where if I do not meet a certain criteria in recovery by a specified date, I will go to a more controlled environment…aka treatment facility.
Since Ryan is not home, and her request caught me off guard I asked if I could have a few days to think it over, talk to my husband, and maybe we could all get on the same page. She agreed, I left and I spent 45 minutes in the car with my mind going 9865046 miles a minute trying to process what just happened.
Am I in denial? I don’t have that big of a problem.
That’s what my head tells me, of course.
After all, I still get my period (thanks to birth control) I go to work and am more productive than some of the supposed “healthy” people I know, and just the other day I reached out for help at work and they were unaware there was even a medical issue.
All these things confirm to me that intense recovery is unnecessary.
Isn’t it funny how our brains try to trick us?
I keep teetering back and forth between, “I am fine and can make small changes and totally be medically stable with an awesome life in no time at all,” to “holy shmoly I need to do something FAST, because people die from being sick!”
This see-saw is so frequent it makes it hard for me to decipher the truth, and so I continue the incessant debate trying to figure out what plan is best for me, and our family.
Fortunately, Ryan surprised me and flew home early, so I picked him up last night and since I have a few doctor’s appointments scheduled for today anyway, I took a medical day and we are going to enjoy brunch together and just spend time catching up.
Perhaps it is time for me to rely on those around me, those who have my best interest at heart, regardless of what I want to believe sometimes, to take more control if I am that incapable or, “delusional.”
It must be frustrating for my loved ones, and you guys to read similar things, every, single, day.
As my therapist told me the other night, she is not a fan of people repeating the same things over and over again expecting the same results.
At least it is Friday! Have a fabulous weekend, everyone 🙂