Trying To Trust

Trying to calculate the way your body, or brain, is going to respond to eating disorder recovery is pretty much impossible.

I used to be a slave to forums, websites, books, articles, anything that could possibly help me predict and anticipate what was “supposed” to happen to me as I put on weight, or began to atler my mindset.

If something occurred that was different from what I read I would completely discontinue my journey, rationalizing the abrupt halt to the fact that my body was just “different” and the process wasn’t working.

You see, my mind is like a filter. It has good intentions when reading about recovery, even journal articles, magazines, or just general information about nutrition and wellness, but then it takes the messages it reads and interprets them in the way it wants….a very ALL or NOTHING mentality.

We had a conversation at dinner Saturday night about bananas, of all things.

I am scared to death of bananas. I LOVE them. They taste absolutely fantastic with chocolate, peanut butter, paired with other fruits, etc. They are versatile, portable, and delicious, but they are not produce you will often see in my cart.

Why? Because a few years ago I read some stupid article telling me how I should avoid bananas and never eat them because they are full of starches, sugar and calories, and could potentially lead to weight gain.

I sort of skipped the “potentially” portion and decided BANANAS WILL MOST DEFINITELY MAKE ME FAT and I could no longer have them, ever, again.

All or nothing, much?

Similarly, my dad is diabetic, and has a seriously hard time managing it. For a few days he had some “professional” weirdo follow him around and assess his lifestyle and diet.

This guy, who Ryan and I call the “guru” told him some ridiculous schpeal about how he should ONLY eat protein, ONLY have one tablespoon of olive oil or a small sliver of avocado for his fats, COMPLETELY eliminate carbohydrates, vegetables and fruits from his life, and his blood sugar would be fine forever.

Hmm…

There are so many things wrong with this person’s advice.

First of all, it is a bit extreme and sounds like the most boring food plan ever.

Second, moderation is absolutely no where to be found.

Third, won’t he be missing out on some pretty essential nutrients without any variety to his plate?! Since when are vegetables “bad?!”

My dad is, of course, reporting this new information to my husband and I, and we are looking at each other pretty damn perplexed at how this man could ever be considered a “professional.”

Anyway, if you went on the internet, or better yet, a medical book, to find actual, accredited information on diabetes, this guy’s advice would be a crock.

The point is, there are a million bagillion places to find information, much of which conflicts with one another; going back to the bananas, there was recently an article that said having one a day can increase your chances for weight loss…

Doesn’t this prove that although there are resources out there, when it comes to the body, one theory doesn’t fit all.

In recovery some people start to gain weight on a lower amount of calories than another, regardless of age, gender, height, activity.

One person may have more heavily restricted than their roomate, but the person who ate more is the one with osteopenia.

We cannot always explain why things happen, and searching for the answer can literally drive a person insane. TRUST ME, I know.

So my change for today is perhaps to stop searching, and just go with it.

I do not easily trust. I don’t trust myself, people….I certainly do not trust that I won’t hate myself even more twenty-some pounds from now, but all I can do is try.

Instead of going to my computer, furiously googling ridiculous questions about how MY body should be reacting to what it is consuming, I should flip on my Kindle and read something worth while.

Because honestly, what the heck does google know about ME?

Happy Monday!

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4 thoughts on “Trying To Trust

  1. WOW! I NEEDED this post so badly today. I started to follow the Paleo diet (because I have an auto immune disease and it claims to help with that big time… also I would like to lose a few lbs). I have been on it for 3 weeks now and have not seen physical changes, but my insides are singing! I feel great, but I keep researching on when I will see the number on the scale go down. Ugh, I have to let go, trust my body and realize things will happen on my body’s time. Patience… good things come to those who wait and not give up! Thank you…

  2. I love your writing and your realizations so much… every post speaks to me. I am very much like you in that I assume that my body should do what everyone else’s does in recovery and such. That mindset really only leads to more frustration, confusion, and desperation. You are so right in saying that every body does its own unpredictable thing and we just need to dive in and let it recover…that is very refreshing but also very scary. I am praying that you can find the bravery and strength that is inside you and so evident to your readers to keep taking these baby steps towards taking care of yourself and learning to treat your body and self with respect. It is such a battle, but I believe it is so worth it. Keep up the good fight because you are so very precious and worth it. Fight those thoughts that tell you you hate yourself; tell them they are wrong and have no right to stomp in and ruin your life and take away your happiness and worth. We all see such a beautiful person in each and every post you write… you have compassion, hope, and strength… I hope you can start seeing that in yourself too. ❤

    • Jocelyn,
      thank you so much for the kind message! As much as it is nice to know someone else can relate to the “crazy” things that go on in my mind, I feel horrible that you also have to go through them.
      Thank you for the encouragement, and I hope that you too can stay strong in your journey to getting a healthier life! if you need anything please please please dont hesitate to contact me 🙂

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