I have already told you how I don’t feel I DESERVE nourishment since my body is no longer in motion, or operating at the same intensity as it was before, but taking food out of the equation, the underlying belief of being unworthy is what I really need to address.
You can probably gather that my self-esteem is not super high from the things I write, but I have been thinking lately at how significant that may be in keeping me stuck in quasi-recovery…if you even want to call it that.
I can remember being in treatment or individual therapy and professionals would simply suggest, “tell yourself something nice everyday.”
What do I do…look in the mirror and say:
“You are a good person.”
“You look nice today.”
No. I couldn’t fathom verbalizing those things to myself, because I absolutely did not believe they were true.
So as I am sitting there pretending to be totally into the groups that were talking about confidence building and developing a healthy sense of self, I just continued to repeat in my mind, “you will never be able to do something like this…it would never work for you…”
Damn I am negative.
But its weird because I heard this recovery suggestion, EVERYWHERE, and it expanded…other treatment facilities, and even some of my friends expressed how much literally placing positive post-it notes on their mirrors discouraged them from the morning berating as they primped for the day. Another woman told me she placed her healthy reinforcements all over her kitchen as a visual reminder that food was not to fear, or something that would ruin her life, but instead would actually sustain her and allow her to LIVE.
As much as I wanted to have faith in this practice, I just did not believe it could help me.
I was the exception and I couldn’t come up with too many things I liked about myself (at this time I was in a SUPER dark place, obviously).
And then I went to FOCUS, a residential facility in Tennessee.
For sixty days I spent my time with a handful of girls that, as much as it may not seem today, since I am having a bit of a relapse, helped change my perspective for the better.
Going through recovery, being one hundred percent vulnerable and open, makes for a different connection than I can explain.
Regardless of the fact that I don’t get to speak with many of these women as much as I would like, they will forever have a special place in my heart for really becoming my family.
Every time a person would get discharged we had a closing ceremony to wish them well as they made the transition into a better life without ED.
At the end of the send off our individual counselors would select a song that best represented out journey, and everyone agreed mine couldn’t have been a more perfect fit.
So although I have posted this before, a long time ago, I want you to see it again.
I am still not ready to look myself in the eye and proclaim, “CJ, you are beautiful, inside and out,” but I can listen to Johnny Diaz, and accept that this song was in fact, a very appropriate fit for me.
Honestly, there could never be a more beautiful YOU.
I hope this starts your weekend off right.
I know it helped my morning!