Sick Of A Schedule

Let’s start the morning with a positive! It is Wednesday, meaning we are nearly halfway through the work week. I am hoping the next three days FLY because in Ryan’s absence I have scheduled something nearly every night to keep myself busy, have a little fun and maybe provide a distraction from the horrific and relentless thoughts that continue to go through my mind.

Being busy is great, but it also leaves me exhausted.

I actually went to bed Tuesday night at 9:00 PM; crawled into bed at 8:45 and the last I remember seeing the clock was before 9.

Yes. I am an eighty year old trapped in a twenty-four year old body.

I want to sleep and often I will hit the pillow and be out in three seconds, but for some reason my body is so used to waking up a little after four, that even on weekends I naturally spring out of bed and am ready for breakfast or my walk.

The reason I bring this up is because I frequently check the forums on a very resourceful site for recovery and there have been many questions regarding disruptions to the sleep schedule and having an eating disorder.

Some asked if it was normal to wake up in the middle of the night starving and then fall back to sleep, but a few hours later rise again starving for another meal.

I am going to go ahead and assume that not many “normal” eaters experience that, but I can tell you, especially in the darkest days of restriction, midnight munchies were a regular occurrence in my life.

I have discussed this issue before, and the shame that also came with “allowing” myself snacks so early in the morning (or, you know, the middle of the night) but I want to reassure those who are struggling, that this is a totally natural response to starvation.

EXHAUSTION is also pretty “normal” for a person that uses every single nutrient consumed to protect and heal his/her body.

But I am kind of getting off topic because I had a different direction I wanted to take this post…

Rigidity.

I am sure many of you live by a schedule, rules, or expectations that limit and dictate your lives. (Maybe even a rule that you cannot eat before 7:00 a.m.)

I think anyone who works can somewhat relate to that, but I have no freakin clue how to moderate my daily routine.

For example; there were two days this week where I had to leave my house for school around 6:35.

6:35 is when I am consuming breakfast.

I don’t typically leave until 7:05, so obviously there is a half hour difference.

Oh my gosh. What does this mean for my morning exercise? Can I still have the same meal I always prepare? Do I have to change my primping ritual, outfit choice, hairstyle?!

All these things swirled through my mind in a panic because I didn’t know how I could possibly fit everything in without waking up at 3:45 a.m. which even for me, sounds a little bit insane.

Most people would probably say, “ok, I can just move my workout to the evening, or take breakfast to-go.” They might even (GASP) SKIP exercise all together, but for me, even minimal schedule change ups can completely throw off my day.

Obsessive Complusive Disorder and high anxiety are often associated with ED’s so it might come as no surprise to you that I have been taking medication since I was 16 to help me cope with ritualistic behaviors and excessive stress (I get that question a lot in e-mails!) but something that many people don’t know is, medication is not effective, or I should say, AS effective, when the body is not nourished. Even with the help of meds, a starved brain and body just does not absorb the assistance due to lower neurological function. I actually saw a therapist once who suggested I not continue with her until my physical self was more well, since we really couldn’t get anywhere without coming back to food, body image, and my lack of concentration.

Anyway, the point is, I need to work on being more flexible in all aspects of life because it is not ok to have a near breakdown or agonize over minor plan changes to the point where you cannot think of other things.

There might be days where an early morning doesn’t make my typical hour treadmill time, or leisurely breakfast feasible, and I need to accept that without going bizerk.

The one time I was FORCED to only walk for half an hour, and I may have told you this before, but I literally could not think of anything else the entire day and the second I got home I got on my machine and fulfilled my “acceptable” minimum time limit.

I live by such rigid and unrealistic rules it makes me mentally drained, so couple that with being physically tired, and no wonder I crash into bed before most elementary schoolers.

I don’t know how to change without ruining my days at work and being completely unproductive, because I cannot spend 9 hours in my office berating myself for breaking the standard agenda. I don’t have time for that, and I would probably lose my job, so it doesn’t seem possible for me to full-speed ahead say, “tomorrow I will change _______ about my morning.”

Is this a cop-out?

Am I just saying that because I don’t want to alter it, or experience discomfort?

I used to say, when I worked as an HR Officer and absolutely HATED my job, that running was the only thing that made the day bearable, and I think I just continued that mentality for the last few years.

Do I want to wake up every morning at 4:00 a.m.?

I wish I could answer these questions honestly but I feel like my judgment is sometimes so clouded by an unhealthy, inadaptable voice that just wont let up.

I feel like I am completely jumbled and maybe even making no sense at all, but ever since I opened up and expressed my true emotions and thoughts via blog, my mind is going even faster; not necessarily in a bad way, but a more free way because I feel like I permitted all these suppressed wave lengths to emerge.

Bear with me over the next few days because I promise I will eventually become more focused, but for now, I hope some of you can relate.

Enjoy your Wednesday, and remember, 2 more days until the weekend!

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9 thoughts on “Sick Of A Schedule

  1. A) First of all, what forum are you talking about? And would it apply to people who never “starved” themselves , but lost weight via other ways and are underweight.

    B) I’m sick of the damned rigidity too.

    C) Okay, so this is the SECOND blog I’ve seen where the obviously sick and very very skinny girl wakes up super early in the morning and exercises for a freaking hour. I’m feeling mildly guilty for being up at 11 pm eating dark chocolate (among other things) and rolling out of bed at 6:30 am to eat right away (WITHOUT hunger and with bloat). I do feel immense guilt for that. But then I also find myself completely baffled at you and the other girls I see: so you “want” to get better? so you “want” to get a period and have babies ? But then you wake up and exxercise exercise for an hour and eat your oatmeal (with 1/4 cup of oats, a tsp of nut butter, a lunch with half of a chicken breast and some other little things…NOT necessarily YOU, but others I’ve seen…give me a break…if you “want” to get a period and have babies and be normal, then WALK the WALK>..and if that is mentally just too difficult (and GOD yes I understand how impossible that can be…I truly genuinely do) THEN you NEED to get fulltime help: intensive outpatient program at the least.

    D) do you want to be here on this blog in 6 months time or 12 months time writing the same things? doing and feeling the same way? THIS IS YOUR LIFE: you write the story of YOUR life..now what are you going to write?

    • I just linked up the forum I was speaking of…which I thought I did when I posted by obviously not 🙂
      Thank you for your honesty. I agree that walking the walk is essential for recovery and I actually planned on posting about that tomorrow. I always like when readers give feedback, regardless of if it is positive or negative, because sometimes I dont always see a “healthier” prospective. Thank you!

  2. It doesn’t seem odd to me at all that you would absolutely CRASH at 9 pm…even that only gives you 7 hours of sleep if you get up at 4. It sounds like you are exhausted, and your body needs things to be different. I don’t think it is necessarily bad to have a schedule that you generally keep, but I do think it is bad that if it gets thrown off you can’t function. I would definitely try to start implementing small changes – a little one every day or every week, or whatever…if you truly want to get better, you’re going to have to be completely uncomfortable and rework your mind entirely.

  3. I TOTALLY know what you mean about rigidity, last night I actually had my own little melt down because of it…pathetic, I was sooo embarassed that I was that much focused on myself to go with the flow…workin on it!
    I also have a lot of little rules/rituals. Here is what I’ve been doing to help it because honestly there is no moving forward in recovery if you are trapped behind EDs rules. I wrote down a list of all my rules. Then I went over them with my RD and therapist. Every week I had to work on breaking one of my rules. I did have anxiety about doing it, but once I did it it wasn’t so bad. I’ve been able to cross a few rules off my list, and more will follow!! Just a thought 🙂

  4. I couldn’t change my routine completely by myself or holding on me accountable for it. I felt like it was impossible, regardless of how physically and mentally drained I was. So I understand how you feel, but at the same time, you’re in the process of “recovering” and not stuck at your absolute worst ED state like I was in my reference.

    It seems like although you have the good intentions to become healthier and try to add little things here and there to try out the normalcy, but despite your efforts, I really don’t feel like they’re your “best” efforts. I realize everyone approaches recovery differently, but I was truly adamant about recovering. I was so pissed at myself for essentially robbing myself of a good life, becoming a slave to numbers (constantly jotting them down on note paper even in the office or at school like a maniac, and prioritizing my grueling workout over work or social functions). Making little concessions here and there to calm my ED voice was no longer an option. I just didn’t care about being that sick stick figure anymore.

    While it was hard giving up exercise ENTIRELY for 3 months, I gradually reintroduced it into my life so it no longer considered it the focus of my day. I eat foods I want and crave, sometimes splurge, but I have not gained or lost any weight with minimal effort.

    I feel like I repeat my story so many times here, but CJ, the more you give in to your ED or make room for your ED-related behaviors, the less likely you are to change for the better. You have to deal with the mental agony of giving it up ENTIRELY for some time UNTIL you are able to function normally again… It’s a harsh reality, but you can’t recover by constantly fooling yourself and saying “well, exercising while I”m still underweight is okay because I’m meeting my meal plan! … even though I incessantly measure every single item of food I eat and never ever stray from my meal plan, and even though I would probably rip my hair out if my tennis shoes got lost.”

    • i was doing much better with these things and then something changed that made me resort to needing absolute control again. you know how easy it is to slide back and as soon as you leave the door open, even just a crack, its like a flood gate!
      thank you for always being honest with me jess, not everyone is.

  5. All I want to point out is that you’re now up to an hour a day on the treadmill 😦 and you are cutting corners on your meal plan, therefore still very underweight. No wonder your husband is talking about inpatient treatment agian. You’re slowly but surely slipping backward CJ. Do you really want to go there? think about (and I’m sure you have) what you’re doing to your marriage and the damage your doing to your own body… Life is a gift and abusing yourself like this is only going to get you closer to the grave. You need to work on perspective and what’s really important in life, not how you look or what you think other peple think of you. It’s about making memories with your husband and family and being able to say you were fully there for those moments and not focused on what your ED is saying. I can’t stress enough how short life is and what a shame it is to only focus on the size of your waist or your thighs. I’ve been reading for awhile and think you seem like a great girl and it’s such a bummer to see that you’re not really getting better.

    • Thank you so much for the advice. I one hundred percent agree with you. It just has seemed to be easier said than done.
      I just need to do it! Thank you again for the encouragement 🙂

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