Let’s start the morning with a positive! It is Wednesday, meaning we are nearly halfway through the work week. I am hoping the next three days FLY because in Ryan’s absence I have scheduled something nearly every night to keep myself busy, have a little fun and maybe provide a distraction from the horrific and relentless thoughts that continue to go through my mind.
Being busy is great, but it also leaves me exhausted.
I actually went to bed Tuesday night at 9:00 PM; crawled into bed at 8:45 and the last I remember seeing the clock was before 9.
Yes. I am an eighty year old trapped in a twenty-four year old body.
I want to sleep and often I will hit the pillow and be out in three seconds, but for some reason my body is so used to waking up a little after four, that even on weekends I naturally spring out of bed and am ready for breakfast or my walk.
The reason I bring this up is because I frequently check the forums on a very resourceful site for recovery and there have been many questions regarding disruptions to the sleep schedule and having an eating disorder.
Some asked if it was normal to wake up in the middle of the night starving and then fall back to sleep, but a few hours later rise again starving for another meal.
I am going to go ahead and assume that not many “normal” eaters experience that, but I can tell you, especially in the darkest days of restriction, midnight munchies were a regular occurrence in my life.
I have discussed this issue before, and the shame that also came with “allowing” myself snacks so early in the morning (or, you know, the middle of the night) but I want to reassure those who are struggling, that this is a totally natural response to starvation.
EXHAUSTION is also pretty “normal” for a person that uses every single nutrient consumed to protect and heal his/her body.
But I am kind of getting off topic because I had a different direction I wanted to take this post…
I am sure many of you live by a schedule, rules, or expectations that limit and dictate your lives. (Maybe even a rule that you cannot eat before 7:00 a.m.)
I think anyone who works can somewhat relate to that, but I have no freakin clue how to moderate my daily routine.
For example; there were two days this week where I had to leave my house for school around 6:35.
6:35 is when I am consuming breakfast.
I don’t typically leave until 7:05, so obviously there is a half hour difference.
Oh my gosh. What does this mean for my morning exercise? Can I still have the same meal I always prepare? Do I have to change my primping ritual, outfit choice, hairstyle?!
All these things swirled through my mind in a panic because I didn’t know how I could possibly fit everything in without waking up at 3:45 a.m. which even for me, sounds a little bit insane.
Most people would probably say, “ok, I can just move my workout to the evening, or take breakfast to-go.” They might even (GASP) SKIP exercise all together, but for me, even minimal schedule change ups can completely throw off my day.
Obsessive Complusive Disorder and high anxiety are often associated with ED’s so it might come as no surprise to you that I have been taking medication since I was 16 to help me cope with ritualistic behaviors and excessive stress (I get that question a lot in e-mails!) but something that many people don’t know is, medication is not effective, or I should say, AS effective, when the body is not nourished. Even with the help of meds, a starved brain and body just does not absorb the assistance due to lower neurological function. I actually saw a therapist once who suggested I not continue with her until my physical self was more well, since we really couldn’t get anywhere without coming back to food, body image, and my lack of concentration.
Anyway, the point is, I need to work on being more flexible in all aspects of life because it is not ok to have a near breakdown or agonize over minor plan changes to the point where you cannot think of other things.
There might be days where an early morning doesn’t make my typical hour treadmill time, or leisurely breakfast feasible, and I need to accept that without going bizerk.
The one time I was FORCED to only walk for half an hour, and I may have told you this before, but I literally could not think of anything else the entire day and the second I got home I got on my machine and fulfilled my “acceptable” minimum time limit.
I live by such rigid and unrealistic rules it makes me mentally drained, so couple that with being physically tired, and no wonder I crash into bed before most elementary schoolers.
I don’t know how to change without ruining my days at work and being completely unproductive, because I cannot spend 9 hours in my office berating myself for breaking the standard agenda. I don’t have time for that, and I would probably lose my job, so it doesn’t seem possible for me to full-speed ahead say, “tomorrow I will change _______ about my morning.”
Is this a cop-out?
Am I just saying that because I don’t want to alter it, or experience discomfort?
I used to say, when I worked as an HR Officer and absolutely HATED my job, that running was the only thing that made the day bearable, and I think I just continued that mentality for the last few years.
Do I want to wake up every morning at 4:00 a.m.?
I wish I could answer these questions honestly but I feel like my judgment is sometimes so clouded by an unhealthy, inadaptable voice that just wont let up.
I feel like I am completely jumbled and maybe even making no sense at all, but ever since I opened up and expressed my true emotions and thoughts via blog, my mind is going even faster; not necessarily in a bad way, but a more free way because I feel like I permitted all these suppressed wave lengths to emerge.
Bear with me over the next few days because I promise I will eventually become more focused, but for now, I hope some of you can relate.
Enjoy your Wednesday, and remember, 2 more days until the weekend!