My mom came home this weekend, which is always a really difficult thing for me to deal with.
I say this not because I don’t love my mom or want her to be home, because in all honesty my mom is my best friend in the entire universe and I want to spend all the time with her I can, but because our relationship is so different now and it hurts me more than I could even explain in a blog post.
You see, we used to do EVERYTHING together, but our most favorite activities in the world were shopping and traveling. And of course what comes along with those two things is a lot of going out to eat.
She LOVES restaurants.
She LOVES really nice restaurants, with fantastic food, service and atmosphere; where you can pretty much get anything you want, any way you want, but still scare the hell out of me.
Unfortunately, now things have changed.
She doesn’t enjoy eating, or spending time with me, really, and there is always an awkward tension when she does, so the outings of our past have pretty much ceased.
The last two times she was home, particularly at Christmas and just yesterday, I had a bit of a breakdown. I forget exactly why at the holidays, but yesterday because I agreed to go out to dinner at one of her favorite places in town…
At least that is what got the breakdown started…(remember, it is not always about the food!)
I was petrified because this place she enjoys specializes in brick oven pizza and finer Italian cuisine (um, hello carbs and fats you are my worst enemy!) but I wanted to go to show her she means more to me than FOOD and being sick.
Well by 3:00 PM I was absolutely starving but did not want to eat a snack due to the rapidly approaching dinner plans.
I had already agonized over the menu, planning that I could only get the appetizer tuna Carpaccio and side salad with vinegar, which is insane and not really a meal at all, and I was moody, irritable and very very hungry.
My head was spinning 054868046 miles a minute and it must have shown because she asked what was wrong.
Oh gosh. It just call came out.
I started crying, telling her I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but that I feel so helpless and don’t know how to change….that I need someone to MAKE me do it or I cant deal with the guilt…
Basically everything I have been telling all of you for the last few weeks in a condensed form, and she just looked at me.
“None of us can make you do it, CJ. I have tried to tell you what to eat but I am not being the food police. Why don’t we just split a pizza tonight?”
I know she doesn’t understand my disorder, nor does she care to learn because all she keeps saying is, “we have tried everything and no one can fix you, you have to do it yourself,” but I need her to try.
That probably sounds ridiculously selfish of me, and sound like a complete baby because I am 24 and probably do need to take more responsibility for myself, but in my opinion a person is never too old to need their family.
My mom has been by far the most influential person in my life.
She was a single mom, it was basically just she and I until I was 5 years old, and everything she has ever done or said has made some impact on who I am.
I want her help.
I don’t know specifically what I need from her, but there seems to be something missing.
It is not her geographic location that is bothering me, because I love that she is happy, we are not THAT far away from each other and her fiance welcomes us anytime we want to visit, but there is something about our new relationship that might be aiding in my unhappiness with myself.
Maybe I am very angry with ME, for “destroying” the bond I cherish?
Maybe that feeds into the negative self talk I have about no one liking me, and how I am such a horrific person.
Like I said, I don’t really know, but there is a piece of the ED puzzle that has to do with my mom and I am determined to figure it out.
For now, I DO know I love her, want her to continue being in my life, and wish we could go back to being “us,” but as I deteriorate physically, the important relationships in my life diminish, as well.
You would think that would be enough motivation for me…