Step 1

As I told you all yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the response to Wednesday’s post about my daily eats.

Not overwhelmed because I expected you all to say, “oh my gosh CJ you are eating fine, don’t change a thing,” but more because many of you took a lot of time to present suggestions, offer support and even share your personal stories with me.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me as a community, because even though it may not seem like it, blogging has been one part of my life that helps encourage me to be better. All of your comments, e-mails, encouragement and bl-iendships are such a blessing and as much as I try to express my gratitude, words really cant express how much All of that means to me. So, thank you. You are all amazing.

And since I got such a wide array of responses, I spent a lot of time processing how they all made me feel, and potentially what I could learn.

I definitely agree with wanting to incorporate more whole foods, things without labels that actually come from the earth and not produced from a huge giant factory; that has always been a goal of mine and I have discussed that in a few previous posts.

I was doing MUCH better in that respect before this relapse.

I didn’t look at a yam 2 months ago and have an immense fear of the ginormous size or how many calories would go into my body if I had it as a dinner side.

I was creating more balanced meals that my husband and I could enjoy together, rather than me trying to hide my measuring utensils as I prepared dinner.

All off these more “healthy” behaviors started to deteriorate as my body weight lessened (remember how I told you obsession increases in congruence with starvation? Case in point…)

So I do know that a pint of Arctic Zero blended into a smoothie could easily be replaced by natural fruits, yogurt and milk made as a frozen beverage, but my brain does not allow me to choose the latter option because the caloric difference, for the same volume of drink, is quite different.

I see the small serving size of that delicious and fresh option that I could have instead of my HUGE monstrosity of an Arctic Zero one, and my starving body and brain chooses the bigger portion, eating disorder selection, every time.

It always comes down to, “what will take away the gnawing I feel in my stomach, with the least amount of calories?” and the answer to that, typically guides my menu for the day.

Half of me does not want my life, or days to be consumed by these thoughts, especially what really lies behind them which is essentially, “you don’t deserve the same as everyone else,” but that yearning to be healthy half also knows that it is no longer in control.

My eating disorder voice has become too loud.

It was getting softer for a while, but the tables have now turned and unfortunately, my disease has taken on a life of its own.

What am I trying to say?

I cannot do this alone, because I am not able to fight hard enough at this very moment.

I am exhausted, feel defeated, and don’t have enough confidence in my own willingness to overcome being sick.

For a while I grappled with the idea of just living like this forever; partially sick….just enough so I can be semi-comfortable, with a “too-small” body, but that I wouldn’t die.

Sounds fun right? But someone very close to me said the other day she was just happy that I learned to manage my life and not become a statistic. She continued saying she wished I could have a better existence than that, but if that wasn’t possible, at least I was still alive.

So I took that idea and thought, “She is right. As long as I can live on the edge, everything will be ok.”

I posed this to a very trusted friend, who is pretty much an expert in the field, and she said there are people who chose to survive that way. There are some that even can sustain their lives for quite a while in that fashion, but their brain and memory starts to disintegrate…early on-set dementia, bones continue to break down and anatomy will have more wear and tear than those who are in a more healthy state.

Ultimately, there was a pretty big list of things that WILL happen if I elected to be in limbo; not health, but not hospitalization-required ED…

Do I really want that poor quality of life?

How could I possibly do that to Ryan? The person I love so much and who has been there for me through a rough, almost three year marriage.

I hate myself right now because despite the answer being NO I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT THAT LIFE, FOR ME, OR FOR MY HUSBAND, I cant seem to make myself eat a proper meal plan.

Hello?! Get a grip CJ. Re-read what you said half a page ago that this is TOO much for you to handle.

…I think that means I need to reach out to those who are physically around me, and actually ASK for more specific help.

To this point I have just stated my need for support, and that is all well in good…of course I need support…but maybe it’s not enough. Maybe I need the decision making process to be out of my hands.

I am not one hundred percent sure where this leaves me, but isn’t the first step to beating an addiction admitting that I am powerless over the vice?

Well here it is, I have absolutely lost control and I am powerless to my disorder.

That is pretty darn embarrassing to type out.