Edit: I have a post below that I wrote Wednesday evening and is still very much how I feel today, so I decided to keep it.
After reading all your comments from my WIAW, I want to express my appreciation. I have a lot more to say in response but I will save that for tomorrow.
Just know that I was being so open about my eating to demonstrate that I KNOW it is not a recovery focused plan.
Thank you all for your input and you will definitely be reading more of my thoughts tomorrow.
Again, thank you all so much for your honest, support and suggestions. I can never accurately express my love for this community.
Someone asked me the other day how badly I wanted to recover, on a scale from 1-10.
I would say an 8, because I no longer want to live in the ED prison that is my head, but I also fear that I wouldn’t know how to go about life without a structure and some methods for coping, regardless of how destructive they may be.
But then she posed another question, how WILLING was I to do what it takes to recover.
Now this is a different story.
Sadly, using that same rating system, the number is much lower, which as stated above, is part of the reason I gave myself an “8” for desire.
I absolutely want to feel better about myself, not be constantly pre-occupied with all the things that come with being sick, and physically, not have any problems with my health, but if I am completely honest about my willingness to change all the things I would have to in order to fully overcome this disorder, my number is low.
Because I am scared.
I told you all this before, so forgive me if I sound like a broken record, but a few things have been swirling around my mind the last few days as far as what I am scared of and it occurred to me that what people think and say, is a huge factor in my reluctance.
This may seem obvious and like a silly thing to even care about, but I have always been concerned with people’s opinions because I want to fit in, have a place in their world, or be liked by all.
I am a people pleaser so when I don’t meet someone’s expectations, I do not like it.
Not too many people make comments about me getting smaller in regards to my body or any sort of achievement, but when I expand, it is like I am finally noticed, and I cannot stand that I am acknowledged for a growing body.
Even the “you look so healthy” comments make me feel like a completely out of control individual, which is very contradictory because I am probably MOST out of control when I am restricting or engulfed by ED thoughts.
My twisted brain believes people are looking at me thinking, “oh my gosh she is letting herself go physically, what must her mental state be like?!”
As I said, this makes absolutely no sense because biology proves that my cognition and processing capabilities would be much better in a more well, weight-restored, state.
Anyway, you are probably wondering what is my point?
I guess I keep thinking I am defined by the person I am right this very second; sick, rigid, obsessed.
I know people think other things about me, as well…I mean, I try to be nice to everyone, be a hard worker, etc. but I am scared as I change physically, the mental and emotional alterations that also take place, will be too much and I will be a whole different CJ.
Ryan and I had this conversation a few days ago; I am not a smoker, nor have I ever been addicted to cigarettes, but he said he would almost prefer that I struggled with that rather than an ED.
I am not discounting how hard it would be to quit smoking. Again, I have never had to do so but I have seen people attempt multiple times and it seems as if it is a major challenge.
But, AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, a cigarette can be taken away.
You don’t have to purchase a pack. It is not an essential thing a person NEEDS to survive, so in essence, it is removing a tangible thing from a person’s life.
I do believe their might be some stress-issues, etc. that would have to be worked out, but the majority of the work is abstaining from cigarettes.
I feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that an eating disorder can ONLY be defeated by working on mental, emotional and physical aspects of one’s existence, simultaneously.
Many in recovery actually turn to other addictive behaviors during their journeys because these three components are way too overwhelming to handle.
Again, I have never had to overcome a smoking habit, so I could be completely off base and maybe it is equally as difficult, or differently difficult, but either way, I personally find ED recovery to be a challenge because it is changing my ENTIRE BEING.
Not only is my body becoming different, but my emotions are insane and I am going out of my mind with no way to handle the stress of trying to be a completely “new,” ultimately better, individual.
When you really get down to it, my problem is I don’t have an identity.
I was always too busy being the person I thought everyone wanted me to be, rather than figuring out who I was/am.
Eventually, since I couldn’t please everyone, it became too much for me and I turned to an extremely maladaptive way to manage how overwhelmed I felt/feel.
It is such a double-edged sword because without my unhealthy methods (as in the recovery process) my mind never shuts up, and with them, it really doesn’t ever stop either. The behaviors are just the only thing that keep me some-what “safe and comfortable,” which is presumably why my willingness to change meter is so low.
But since being sick, in this respect, tends to be the most fatal of all psychiatric disorders, I know I need to endure the discomfort in order to live.
I just wish I remembered that more often.