I did tell you yesterday that I would be a smidge more specific in regards to what my husband and I discussed Saturday that was so difficult for me to process, so I guess I will try to explain.
I don’t really understand why I had such a hard time grasping where he was coming from, since I have heard this all before and I should have expected it to be coming sooner or later, but he suggested I get my act together before he gets home from Colorado or we need to explore options beyond recovery at home.
At first I was in shock.
Hello, I am not at my lowest weight so why are we even considering a program as an option?!
But, in his defense I am not too far off from that point and he knows how quickly I have fallen off the deep end…aka, three weeks of him not being home to ensure that I am doing “ok” could potentially mean me dipping lower than last years hospital admission weight, and more importantly, me completely going into “Ed’s” wide open arms.
The problem is I don’t see any of this.
My dietician equated my lack of acknowledgement to the situation as me being a blind person; unable to see what is right before my eyes, and essentially she is right.
I look in the mirror and see a completely average sized person, who functions every day as an adult female; albeit a robotic one, but still I go to work, perform my obligations in other areas of life and even have thrown in some fun lately. All off these things make me have a hard time believing I would need any exterior help beyond a meal plan, my outpatient recovery team and the support I have from my bl-iends and loved ones.
Another thing, and I have found this pretty common in the eating disorder world, is I am never sick enough.
Every time you relapse, unless caught relatively early, there seems to be a new low, more or different habits that become engrained, and you kind of reach an elevated level of disordered that is worse or harder to combat than the last time.
I took the idea of a structured program off that table for a variety of reasons; mainly because I am working and that is important to me right now, that I have cheated every single program I have ever entered making it, in my mind, a waste of time, and it is EXPENSIVE.
I have told you all before that I firmly believe recovery is most possible when someone commits to it. It doesn’t matter where a person is, a hospital or at home, recovery, long-lasting recovery, cannot be achieved without a person surrendering and embracing that the journey is going to be uncomfortable and pretty much horrific, but eventually it will get better.
I admit, I have never ever been to that point. In partial hospitalization, residential and as an actual floor patient, I was only there because I had to be.
I didn’t BELIEVE I needed to gain weight or change my ways.
I didn’t really care to do any real work or feel the pain that comes with opening up emotionally and challenging every, single, rule I have lived by for as long as I can remember.
Thinking about it now, it is a shame because I might be a lot better off if I had just complied, listened and accepted what I needed to do, because I think it is SO difficult to keep taking a few steps forward, but then running many steps back.
I know I need to get healthy.
Cognitively, I know this.
But what changes have I REALLY made?
Not too many…
Walking rather than running, eating at a few restaurants, maybe some challenge foods here and there, being a bit more assertive, but at my core I still don’t believe I am really worth it and that is sad.
A friend recently asked, “what can I do right now, today, or in this moment to make progress?”
I didn’t have an answer. And I still don’t, but I sure have a lot of thinking to do these next few weeks.
Or maybe rather than thinking, I need to be DOING.
Actions do speak louder than words, I just seem to have a bit of a problem with that lately.