Who Am I, Peter Pan?!

Since I have been trying to be a bit more open lately, I figured I should probably tell you my weekly nutrition appointments have been getting neglected, meaning I haven’t really been going.

When I fell off the wagon a few weeks ago I basically felt there was no point in paying to see someone who was just going to confirm what I already knew; I was not doing well, I needed to increase my meal plan by doing x, y and z.

I knew all that. I knew I needed more fats, and increase in calories, etc. but I didn’t care to do it.

We have already established that programs are not typically helpful until you are ready to actually surrender and relinquish control, but really, at what point do you get there?

HOW does one get to that state?

I did decide to go to my appointment yesterday, and I sat there with tears in my eyes because I feel so helpless.

I am exhausted; mentally, physically, emotionally…I am just TIRED.

I don’t want to think about any of this anymore in either regard; “did I have enough to maintain my recovery plan?” or on the other side “how can I strip this meal to be the lowest possible calories?”

Both parts of me are incredibly over it.

So I came home and felt like I had a tornado in my brain; swirling thoughts in all different directions that just would not let up.

I am in danger of losing everything I love in my life and I just cannot seem to bring myself back to a positive, healthy based mind-set.

I explained all this to Ryan last and he came up with a pretty good idea.

I am having trouble with my “big girl pants.”

I have dabbled with the idea that I am just so afraid of growing up and failing that I am in a way preserving myself as a child; needing to be taken care of, and ultimately physically not maturing (hello no boobs or curves.)

Well, lets look at some other areas of my life….

I work in the very same high school from which I graduated.

I live with my sister and had a mental breakdown when she wanted to move out.

I hated the home Ryan and I bought together and now we live in my childhood residence, since my mom has re-located to New Jersey.

I am sure there are other examples but these are pretty blatant, and make a lot of sense.

My family always comments that I was an adult from the time I was born because it was just me among my older family members. There were no other kids so I sat and listened to my aunts, uncles, mom, and her friends, all have conversations and engage in adult activities.

I had friends growing up but I often preferred hanging out with my mom and her circle than going out and doing things with my peers.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed my childhood and LOVED high school, and perhaps that is why I want to stay there.

I am trying to re-live, or at least stay emerged within old, positive memories, with less responsibilities and when failure meant a C on a test.

I feel so inept at being a woman; like I don’t know how to do it properly, and so as I continue to “fail” in the adult society, why not revert to being a child?

Maybe there is absolutely no validity at all to this theory but it does sort of make sense.

I am just wondering what it will take for me to move on?

It really is time to put my big girl pants on….one leg (or day) at a time…


8 thoughts on “Who Am I, Peter Pan?!

  1. I think this makes a lot of sense. My mom was actually the oldest of 7 kids and basically acted like a mom her entire childhood. She never did develop a lot of the “adult” behaviors that seem so normal to my Dad and I – for instance she can’t say No to anyone and she gets her feelings hurt so incredibly easily. She can’t just brush off what people say but instead dwells on it and worries about what people think of her all the time.

    Anyways – I was just wondering if you see a psychologist/psychiatrist. I understand what you are saying about the nutritionist and how you already know what they are going to say but it seems like you do need the emotional and mental support that a professional could provide. Sometimes your posts sound like you have lost the will to live and that’s a pretty scary thought. I will definitely continue to keep you in my prayers.

    • I do see a therapist, thank you for asking. I feel like I have so much in my head sometimes that I am too scaterbrained to sort it out in our sessions. i think i need to start writing things down rather than just going and thinking everything will come out.
      i agree that losing the will to live is scary, and thank you for your prayers. I am sorry if my posts are that morbid 😦

      • Never, never , never apologize for an honest post! I have felt for a while that this work needs to be done with a therapist consistently, and not merely scratching the surface with your dietician. But, as with everything, you have to be ready to embrace that. I believe that Ryan is spot on with his theories.
        I guess you have to come to the point that you know you cannot sail along the way you have been without dire consequences, to get to the place where you totally surrender.
        I love you girl…..

      • Has your therapist ever put you on any medication (I guess unless he/she is a psychiatrist she wouldn’t be qualified to). I know no one ever wants to take medication but I just wondered if maybe something for anxiety might help.

  2. You and I could be the same person… except you at least have a husband and a real job whereas I haven’t reached that point yet and am back in school (partly because of my recovery efforts). I reached my lowest point in my ED when I first moved away from home after graduating college last year and finding a full time job in a city clear across the US. In so little time, I turned a positive, exciting experience into something miserable and scary because I gave into my ED and my fears of being alone. Sure, I left with an unhealthy mindset (I was sort of in “recovery,” but was doing this completely on my own and had most people fooled that I was a-ok when I was constantly skimping on calories and exercising). But I let my fears take over me, make me depressed, and instead of putting myself out there and giving my new job and a new social life my best effort, I put all that effort into making myself sicker than ever… why? I guess for attention? Well, I finally got it because all it took was breaking down over a phone call with my mother and I was a on plane to go back home to leave everything to take up recovery once and for all.

    I realized that although I wasn’t entirely happy with my job, it wasn’t AS bad as I was making it out to be. I also had new friends, LOVED the city I was in… but… I missed my family. I was scared of finally being on my own and starting life as an adult. I’m much healthier now and don’t struggle much with my ED, but I often wonder if I’ll just repeat the same mistakes in the future?

    You have a supportive husband though and a family close by. You should really stop taking that for granted (I know you don’t take them for granted deep down, but let’s admit it, with EDs, it’s all selfish).

  3. Oh, I completely hear you on this one! Stay strong, I know somehow we’ll learn how to embrace our childlike sides, but learn to grow into real live adults. I know its hard, but we’ve got to believe that we DO have futures after ED.

  4. Also…. nutritionists are the pits. Currently in the “how do I meet my exchanges for the lowest number of calories” mentality. Meh, its a process. Someday a squash might have a fighting chance of being on the same playing field as iceburg.

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