Since I have been trying to be a bit more open lately, I figured I should probably tell you my weekly nutrition appointments have been getting neglected, meaning I haven’t really been going.
When I fell off the wagon a few weeks ago I basically felt there was no point in paying to see someone who was just going to confirm what I already knew; I was not doing well, I needed to increase my meal plan by doing x, y and z.
I knew all that. I knew I needed more fats, and increase in calories, etc. but I didn’t care to do it.
We have already established that programs are not typically helpful until you are ready to actually surrender and relinquish control, but really, at what point do you get there?
HOW does one get to that state?
I did decide to go to my appointment yesterday, and I sat there with tears in my eyes because I feel so helpless.
I am exhausted; mentally, physically, emotionally…I am just TIRED.
I don’t want to think about any of this anymore in either regard; “did I have enough to maintain my recovery plan?” or on the other side “how can I strip this meal to be the lowest possible calories?”
Both parts of me are incredibly over it.
So I came home and felt like I had a tornado in my brain; swirling thoughts in all different directions that just would not let up.
I am in danger of losing everything I love in my life and I just cannot seem to bring myself back to a positive, healthy based mind-set.
I explained all this to Ryan last and he came up with a pretty good idea.
I am having trouble with my “big girl pants.”
I have dabbled with the idea that I am just so afraid of growing up and failing that I am in a way preserving myself as a child; needing to be taken care of, and ultimately physically not maturing (hello no boobs or curves.)
Well, lets look at some other areas of my life….
I work in the very same high school from which I graduated.
I live with my sister and had a mental breakdown when she wanted to move out.
I hated the home Ryan and I bought together and now we live in my childhood residence, since my mom has re-located to New Jersey.
I am sure there are other examples but these are pretty blatant, and make a lot of sense.
My family always comments that I was an adult from the time I was born because it was just me among my older family members. There were no other kids so I sat and listened to my aunts, uncles, mom, and her friends, all have conversations and engage in adult activities.
I had friends growing up but I often preferred hanging out with my mom and her circle than going out and doing things with my peers.
Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed my childhood and LOVED high school, and perhaps that is why I want to stay there.
I am trying to re-live, or at least stay emerged within old, positive memories, with less responsibilities and when failure meant a C on a test.
I feel so inept at being a woman; like I don’t know how to do it properly, and so as I continue to “fail” in the adult society, why not revert to being a child?
Maybe there is absolutely no validity at all to this theory but it does sort of make sense.
I am just wondering what it will take for me to move on?
It really is time to put my big girl pants on….one leg (or day) at a time…