Add It To The List

In just a few months I will be on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean; coincidently on the same cruise line that just happened to sink…woops!

Anyway, Ryan and I love Europe. Who doesn’t?! And when I found a fabulous deal for a cruise to a few places we have never been, I pestered my husband to let me book it.

As much as he loves to travel, he was super skeptical to agree.

You see last year, he allowed me to reserve a cruise a few months in advance, almost as a reward because I was doing so well and he thought the progress would continue if I had this as an incentive and reason to push harder.

That did not happen.

I actually lost weight and was nearly in my hospital shape when we boarded the ship.

People stared, made comments (pretty loudly so Ryan and many others could hear) buffet meals were difficult and if my poor husband had to hear me order off the “Ship-Shape” menu one more time I thought he was going to stab me with his knife.

Maybe not that severe, but it was a difficult trip for us.

The year before we went through a similar situation on our anniversary trip to Spain, France, and Italy.

I had my very first episode with what I considered a “binge” and my actions that followed were absolutely NOT ok.

We also did not participate in some of the activities that came with several of the tours we took because they involved pasta, cheese and way too many other scary foods.

When we were in Rome, for example, we took a 10 hour guided adventure. We saw the Colosseum, the Vatican, heard all about the history from a local and it was just fabulous.

UNTIL noon.

“Ladies and gentleman we have a very special treat for you today. We are going ______ (some 5 star hotel that was swanky and beautiful!) and the chef is preparing a delicious Italian lunch for you. All you can eat, drink, and enjoy…lasagna, pasta pomodoro, pesce, freshly baked bread, antipasto, vino….”

I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

“We are not going to lunch! Maybe we can ask if we can meet back up with the group because we want to do some sight-seeing on our own?!”

Yes. I begged my other half to miss out on this delicious, authentic and specially prepared feast because I did not want to be around the abundance of carbohydrates.

He reluctantly obliged and since I was starving, and so was he, we spent the next hour walking unfamiliar streets to find a place that was suitable for us to eat.

We must have stopped at 386987436 different establishments, where I gawked at the menu, deli cases, etc. until one was acceptable.

We walked back to the bus to meet up with our fellow tour-takers where everyone was gushing about how fantastic the service, people and food had just been.

I could tell Ryan was frustrated, and I was ashamed that I could not do something as simple as let him enjoy the full experience of our trip.

We did not, however, miss out on a freezing cold hike to the top of Mt. Vesuvius, any time at the gym, or climbing the stairs a bagillion and one times because I refused to take the elevator. In my mind I had to do all these things so I could still feel “ok” with myself about eating a dessert off the diet menu at dinner.

Obviously there are quite a few aspects of our past two vacays that I do not want to repeat this June when we are supposed to be immersing ourselves in culture and fun.

So I have been thinking, the last trip we had an absolutely amazing adventure, without a whole bunch of stupid stipulations and rules that I put in place, was our first “honeymoon.”

This actually happened around my graduation from college, and although I still exercised everyday on our trip, and was relatively conscious of my choices, I was not plagued by this ridiculous negative self-talk that prevented me from having a great time.

I didn’t really think about it.

I went to the gym because I wanted to.

We rock climbed because we like it.

I had soft-serve frozen yogurt at 2:00 PM because it was super hot and tasted amazing in the Croatian sun.

We smiled and laughed authentically.

We were in love, happy, and appreciative of time off from work and a beautiful experience.

Why can’t I have that again?!

I obviously have A LOT of work to do until then; mentally, physically and emotionally, but I think it will be worth it to spend time with the man I love, in gorgeous scenery, to celebrate both our birthdays and third wedding anniversary…

Actually, to celebrate life.

I guess that is just one more to add to the list of 08453958739867936 reasons why I need to get better.

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11 thoughts on “Add It To The List

  1. wow what a great post as always hun.I know exactly how horrible you feel putting your husband through this torture.Its like ed wants to destroy everyone and everything in your path.In the past I couldn’t enjoy visiting my country because I knew all the food there was ‘bad’ for me and fattening so I didn’t even consider getting out of the states.I spent my summer at the gym and volunteered at a youth summer camp because I knew it would allow me to be at my feet all day hence burn extra calories yay?I didn’t get to see my grandparents who I missed so much and that time but most importantly I didnt get to see my 7 yr old cousin who died that same summer and I will never forgive myself.I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself.I felt as though I should’ve died for being selfish and for abusing the body god blessed me with .My cousin was an innocent kid who deserved it all.Till this day I still feel guilt but today ed is OUT of my life,all it did was destroy and this new year I will not have that.Hun i know you can enjoy this trip give it your all…we only live life once.Create memories that you can look back to with a smile not a tear.

    • oh my gosh hun, i did not know that story and I am so sorry you have that guilt. it is not your fault you were sick and not thinking clearly. you are doing amazingly and i hope you can somehow forgive yourself. I am so proud of you.

      • Thank you so much and I know with time the guilt will subside but just demonstrates how devious an Ed is…. We don’t need it in our lives…and I am proud of you too Hun you have helped me soooo much!

  2. most people (myself included) would be amazed at having any kind of trip…just a hotel room for one hour..so don’t waste all the blessings u have to go on all these that most only dream of.

    watch ‘dr. phil’s ” episode today…

    u still are caught up in it CJ…its obvious that u still are gonna have problems on this upcoming trip unless u talk this out with someone and decide NOW to let it all go and live instead.

    • I know. I feel incredibly blessed to have gone some of the places I have been the last few years.
      I tried to watch Dr. Phil, but I live in Central PA and Joe Paterno’s funeral was on every channel, meaning Dr. Phil did not air.I hope it was a good episode that helped you!

      • nope…didnt really apply to me…but i think it would be of interest to u…see if u can check it out somehow…maybe on his website…not sure if it relates or could help u….but i just think that it would be of interest regardless.

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