Guilt, guilt, guilt, I hate you so much.
I get a lot of e-mails from others who feel the same way, because one of the worst aspects that comes with attempting to recover (actually, it happens during the ED too) is the feelings that come up from not engaging in the rituals and rules I wrote about yesterday.
I have explained this before but when you are in a program or hospital, you are being told what to do. You have a specific meal plan, menus are prepared days in advance and when the tray arrives you eat it, or there is some sort of consequence.
Do you still feel guilty after eating the food that is given, and not being able to exercise or have other comforting outlets?
My journals from pretty much everywhere I have ever been would fully explain the horrific feelings that do still happen, even though you are being “forced” to comply with non-ED rules.
BUT, the guilt is a little different from what I feel when I CHOOSE to do the “right” thing on my own.
For some reason I can justify a “challenge carb” more in a program than I can in my own kitchen and it makes it super difficult to make progress.
There are fewer options in a hospital, you are being watched, others patients, your friends, are they’re doing the same exact thing, and being supportive just by being there; you are not completely defying the weight-loss crazed society that at home, I just can’t escape.
In the Weaber household, it is me plating my food. I have the control and if I deviate from what I have always considered “acceptable” there is mental hell to pay.
Like I said, you aren’t completely free of this, even when someone else is taking care of the decisions and making up your meals, but it is at least somewhat calming to know it was not all you.
Maybe this makes no sense at all, but I am hoping some of you can relate.
Anyway, where does that leave me?
I can’t ask Ryan to be with me every single meal, dictate what I MUST eat and enforce negative consequences if I elect to defy. It is not feasible with our schedules and more importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to him because I am pretty much a nightmare when I feel out of control.
Little side note: I actually threw a butter packet at a staff member when I was in the hospital…not a very proud moment, at all.
He doesn’t deserve the screaming, the yelling of “I hate you,” as I have done in the past. He is already working his hardest to keep me focused on recovery, and this is not how a marriage should be. My husband did not sign up to be my babysitter and it would be even more exhausting for him than it is living with me now. (Is that even possible?!)
So I guess that means it is up to me.
I have an outpatient team, and a program is really not an option for me right now, nor would it work.
Like I said, clinics do help alleviate some guilt, but they haven’t worked for me in the past. I have been to four different places and I am almost back at square one…so in my opinion they just eat up time, money, and mental capacity.
So, IT IS UP TO ME.
I really have to be proactive.
I have to defy all the conventional beliefs of the media, and our world in general, that gaining weight is such a horrific thing.
Honestly, I am scared.
Scared that I can’t do it.
I am scared that I will hate myself and my body even more than I already do and be so miserable I won’t be able to stand it.
I am scared people will make comments and think I am an unworthy person with a weirdly shaped, fat body.
I am just plain scared.
But I am also scared of losing the ones I love, so I guess I need to weigh the options.
Which would you chose?
P.S. Sorry for so many similar posts lately, it just seems like I am so wishy-washy in my mind. One minute I am gung-ho, NEED to get healthy for me and my family to survive, and the next I am petrified and hesitant, half-assing my effort. I hope it isn’t as annoying for you, as it is for me.
❤ you all!