Guilt-Gut

Oh guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, I hate you so much.

I get a lot of e-mails from others who feel the same way, because one of the worst aspects that comes with attempting to recover (actually, it happens during the ED too) is the feelings that come up from not engaging in the rituals and rules I wrote about yesterday.

I have explained this before but when you are in a program or hospital, you are being told what to do. You have a specific meal plan, menus are prepared days in advance and when the tray arrives you eat it, or there is some sort of consequence.

Do you still feel guilty after eating the food that is given, and not being able to exercise or have other comforting outlets?

Absolutely!

My journals from pretty much everywhere I have ever been would fully explain the horrific feelings that do still happen, even though you are being “forced” to comply with non-ED rules.

BUT, the guilt is a little different from what I feel when I CHOOSE to do the “right” thing on my own.

For some reason I can justify a “challenge carb” more in a program than I can in my own kitchen and it makes it super difficult to make progress.

There are fewer options in a hospital, you are being watched, others patients, your friends, are they’re doing the same exact thing, and being supportive just by being there; you are not completely defying the weight-loss crazed society that at home, I just can’t escape.

In the Weaber household, it is me plating my food. I have the control and if I deviate from what I have always considered “acceptable” there is mental hell to pay.

Like I said, you aren’t completely free of this, even when someone else is taking care of the decisions and making up your meals, but it is at least somewhat calming to know it was not all you.

Maybe this makes no sense at all, but I am hoping some of you can relate.

Anyway, where does that leave me?

I can’t ask Ryan to be with me every single meal, dictate what I MUST eat and enforce negative consequences if I elect to defy. It is not feasible with our schedules and more importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to him because I am pretty much a nightmare when I feel out of control.

Little side note: I actually threw a butter packet at a staff member when I was in the hospital…not a very proud moment, at all.

He doesn’t deserve the screaming, the yelling of “I hate you,” as I have done in the past. He is already working his hardest to keep me focused on recovery, and this is not how a marriage should be. My husband did not sign up to be my babysitter and it would be even more exhausting for him than it is living with me now. (Is that even possible?!)

So I guess that means it is up to me.

I have an outpatient team, and a program is really not an option for me right now, nor would it work.

Like I said, clinics do help alleviate some guilt, but they haven’t worked for me in the past. I have been to four different places and I am almost back at square one…so in my opinion they just eat up time, money, and mental capacity.

So, IT IS UP TO ME.

I really have to be proactive.

I have to defy all the conventional beliefs of the media, and our world in general, that gaining weight is such a horrific thing.

Honestly, I am scared.

Scared that I can’t do it.

I am scared that I will hate myself and my body even more than I already do and be so miserable I won’t be able to stand it.

I am scared people will make comments and think I am an unworthy person with a weirdly shaped, fat body.

I am just plain scared.

But I am also scared of losing the ones I love, so I guess I need to weigh the options.

Which would you chose?

P.S. Sorry for so many similar posts lately, it just seems like I am so wishy-washy in my mind. One minute I am gung-ho, NEED to get healthy for me and my family to survive, and the next I am petrified and hesitant, half-assing my effort. I hope it isn’t as annoying for you, as it is for me.

❤ you all!

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17 thoughts on “Guilt-Gut

  1. You never need to apologize for what you write, it’s your blog! 🙂

    And since you asked… I choose life.

    I was more scared of not living (literally and figuratively) than of fighting the battles in my mind.

    I (eventually) got rid of the scale. Because it was hurting me, regardless of how often I used it. Same with modern media, all those shows or magazines dealing with weight loss or getting healthy in general. They all went too, because I was just using the guise of “Look, I’m learning to be healthy!” to rationalize unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, or to beat myself up.

    No one can tell you which to choose.

    That being said, humor me for a second.

    This is one thing I did, and it kept me going (even if I didn’t know how to get to the destination).. okay, keeps me going, because I’m still learning and trying to figure this stuff out too.

    Ready? Imagine what you would like life to be like, how you want to feel, what you want to do and experience. Don’t think about how to get there, just think about what that life would be like. If you have a hard time imagining things being different, which is what I discovered, then remember a moment when you were happy, enjoying things and living. Doesn’t matter how old or young you were at the time, just think about life in that one moment.

    Is a life like that more precious than the ED?

    • i was thinking of my first trip to europe with ryan, because although i was super active and we ate very healthily, i at least tried certain things, didnt think about it as much and just enjoyed time in beautiful place with an amazing person. I miss those times and you are right…way better than life now.
      thanks for reminding me of that!

  2. I agree with the above comment – choose life! I don’t know if you have ever heard of this TV show called “How to look good naked” (bad title, I know) but it’s actually a really heartwarming show where the host helps women learn to love the bodies they have. I watch it on xfinity tv online for free. You should watch a few episodes – seriously it makes you feel so good afterwards.

    And remember “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” Phil 4:13

  3. I will go out on a limb and say that none of the treatment facilities have “worked” because you have never really surrendered yourself and committed to recovery totally, without the need to hold onto aspects of your eating disorder.
    I can so feel your struggle and it saddens me to know this road has been so incredibly painful.
    I believe the solution is entering a very strict treatment facility when you can commit to giving up your symptoms. I feel your fear of losing your most important relationships and I PRAY that never has to happen. When you say that you are almost back to square one….that is frightening! I know Ryan loves you beyond…but you are correct in saying he did not sign up to be a babysitter.
    I am writing all of this out of love and concern~ never wanting to hurt you, but rather nudge you towards recovery. I absolutely believe this is way bigger than you and you need a structured environment in order to start to develop those new neuropathways! I love you girl, you know I do!

  4. Just wanted to say that I totally have related to your recent posts. I feel very similar, if not exactly the same way, about the guilt and not doing certain behaviors. I say keep up the similar posts! Makes me feel like someone else can relate and understands.

    • I can definitely relate! I just noticed I never messaged you back on facebook. I am so sorry! i feel like such a terrible friend! I hope you are doing well hun, and I seriously hope you got that ipod situation remedied!

  5. I’m not going to pretend I can at all relate to your disorder, as I dont have one myself and love food, but I do relate to you as a human being struggling with weight issues. And I just wanted to let you know that when you say ‘I am scared people will make comments and think I am an unworthy person with a weirdly shaped, fat body.” Please, don’t be. I’ve realized how much people DON’T notice things about others, they are too wrapped up in themselves and worrying about themselves to notice much. I just had my braces off- I’ve been wearing them for 18months at work. Only co-workers I told ‘noticed’ everyone else didn’t at all!!

    P.S I dont think you should struggle on your own like this. Even if you can’t join a treatment facility right now, try to find some sort of support group to talk to, or authors to read or videos to watch. Dont be all alone with just your thoughts consuming you. Wishing you the best.

    • that is true. i fail to realize sometimes that the world isnt soley focused on me haha they have their own lives and things that consume them so thank you for that reminder!!
      and thank you for the advice on the support and finding other ways to cope. it is a great idea and even though deep down i know i should put myself out there more or go to support groups i always hesitate because i am scared of rejection.
      thanks for the comment hun! and congrats on getting your braces off! dont you love how smoothe your teeth feel?!

  6. Regardless of the way one is recovering from an eating disorder, I personally think that something that is key to success is embracing that success is ultimately up to them. In my opinion, one can’t really recover properly without wanting it. Whether you’re in a treatment center or not, I believe it’s up to you to decide, and really embrace recovery.

    While I was recovering, I really embraced the “it’s up to me” philosophy and more or less recovered entirely on my own. I am by no means saying this is the best method, I am just trying to say that it is possible and it has worked for me. Now, when I say alone, I mean that I had no professional help and hardly told anyone of my ED. Like I said, I’m not suggesting that this is ideal, but by doing this I was able to learn so much about myself and come to really want recovery so I could just get on with life again. Eating more and putting on weight certainly was not easy. Nor was entirely changing the way I think. But now that I have put on weight and am no longer floating through life like a wispy could, I know that I made the right decisions and I am so much happier. I’m heading off to Japan in March for a year-long exchange and am looking forward to starting my life anew from there – living without stressing about food and exercise, sounds like a mighty fine life to me 🙂

    So basically what I wanted to say is regardless of what you decide to do in your recovery, I really think that like you said it’s up to you.

    Don’t give up!!

    • I really think you are right. A treatment facility can work, if you want it to. Everything is up to the individual and that is something that is hard, but i hear is totally worth it.
      You have a fabulous time in Japan! That is such an amazing opportunity and i think sometimes travel can really open our eyes to a more fufilling life!
      Enjoy yourself girl and thank you so much for the comment!

  7. I can TOTALLY relate to what you are say here Cj. Inpatient is the easy part of recovery, the real work starts when you get home, I definitely found that one out too!! I was just thinking though, I remember feeling the most anxiety my first few weeks inpatient, when I was still so undernourished. When I started to get the proper nutrition, I started to think clearer and doing the right thing became less stressful. When you come home, and maybe skimp a little on your meal plan here and there, well it adds up. Everyone has an “edge,” the more we deprive ourselves of nutrients, the father we creep up on that edge, and once you slip off it, is is soooo hard to pull yourself up. For me right now I am tottering on that edge, I have put off doing the right thing for a while, so now-if I am honest wth myself- my brain isn’t working so clearly, and I get those irrational thoughts, and the guilt. But that is no way to live! We want to live, life is sooooooo AMAZING!! Choose to live in it and enjoy the heck outa it! Remember, God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Remember that girl and I’m thinking of you!

    • we do want to live! lets live together girl, we can do it!!! if there is anything i can do to help you, please, please, please let me know! i know sometimes you need others to help you reframe those irrational thoughts! xoxoxo thinking of you!

  8. It’s just one of those things with this disorder where the more you confront it and do the things against your ED, the easier they get… I’m almost to the point where I don’t feel guilty anymore or if I do, it’s for a split-second before I realize I actually made the right decision. It helps when you feel physically better too.

  9. CJ,

    I stumbled across your blog and am an occasional reader, who also struggles with an eating disorder. Its manifested itself as bulimia, EDNOS, and (currently) anorexia. In reference to this post, my outpatient treatment team always likes to remind me I’m “doing it the hard way.” I jumped ship from “structured” treatment too soon after my last inpatient stint… and my past year has been filled with these internal battles.

    Right now, I’m in a phase of making lots of “right choices” and I’ve got to say, it feels good. It feels so good to have my treatment team proud of ME and MY strength, even if sitting in a residential program, where my every move/choice were watched, would be easier. Somehow, this feels more real.

    It’s absolutely vital to have support and a loving husband/parent/friend around often, but no one will benefit if they assume the role of a babysitter. I noticed when my mom tried to do this, she became overly stressed, our relationship faltered, and I grew to resent her. We have our doctors to keep us safe, our nutritionists to challenge us, and our therapists to dig at the tough stuff. And our friends and family to believe in us and love us for the great people we are, beyond the disorder.

    Basically, thank you for reminding me to keep making the right choices… and that someday they will all add up, and I’ll get “there.” But for now, I’m happy with proudly telling my nutritionist that I ate a (challenge) brownie for my night snack. Even if it’s only once in a blue moon 🙂

    Erin

    • Erin,
      i am so happy for you that you are doing so well in your recovery!!! that is truly amazing and you are right, recovery at home does seem more real because everything is so structured and safe in the confines of a program. doing it at home shows strength and helps you learn how to re-live. thank you for sharing! and best wishes in your journey! it sounds like you are definitely on the right track!

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