I was absolutely terrified of this weekend.
After Ryan and my discussion about how we basically live as hermits because my irrational beliefs prevent us from actually participating in life, I told him to make dinner plans with our friends.
We were all set to go to a very nice restaurant Saturday night, with a long time friend and his new fiance.
I was nervous for a variety of reasons; obviously because of the food aspect, especially since it was a restaurant that is private, meaning no nutritional stats published anywhere, but also because I had never met the woman we were going out with.
I always think the worst possible things in these scenarios…
“She will hate me, I am so boring, I am a freak because I take six years deciding what to have for dinner, and end up ordering with all these ridiculous requests. I am such a pain in the ass, who would ever want to spend time with me…
…essentially I will feel rejected, and in my mind it will confirm that I am a bad person that no one wants to associate with.
So Saturday rolls around, breakfast comes and I didn’t restrict anything, even though I was petrified about the thousands of calories I would later consume due to restaurants hiding all sorts of fats and oils in my meal (crazy much?)
And then Ryan wakes up early, abnormally early for him, and asks what time we were going to go shopping.
You see we made a day plan, because I thought it might help ease the anxiety and it would be nice to get out for an afternoon with my husband. The original idea was that I would go to my normal 9:00 am Zumba, shower, get ready, we could have an early lunch at home, and then go do our errands.
When he got up by 8:00, I got to thinking.
Maybe I should work out at home, get ready, and then we can spend more time together since he is soon leaving for a month and we havent gotten to see each other much due to conflicting schedules.
Hold up. SKIP Zumba?
The idea to miss another exercise class, after I missed two last week, came across my mind?
Who was I?
Apparently someone had abducted CJ because before I knew it my very out-of-character plan was verbalized.
“I love that idea! Then we can go to the outlets and have lunch at Panera too.”
Oh my gosh what did I do?
2 meals out in one day. Was he absolutely insane? Did he want me to jump off a cliff because that’s kind of how I was feeling at that point.
But then I thought; “Oh, I do love Panera. It is snowing and their black bean soup would be so good on a day like today. And the outlets are having such good sales. I even have a coupon…”
And that was that, the healthy part of me agreed to his suggestion.
Around 10:00 we were on our way to shop and spend the entire day together. This was a first, in a very long time.
After a few hours of retail therapy, and a very delicious and satisfying afternoon meal, we were ready to head home and relax a little bit before our “big night out.”
*brrring* (That was my attempt to make the obnoxious text message sound of the iPhone.)
Dinner was postponed to another day because of a family matter that had come up with our friends.
Ryan looked so disappointed.
Say something CJ. He looks so sad.
“We could still go to dinner. Would it be ok if just you and me went out, or is that no fun? And then maybe we can re-schedule for next week before you leave.”
He smiled and actually seemed pleased.
“Yeah, that would be nice to still go out, but I am kind of in the mood for sushi.”
Sushi is my weakness. There is something about a seaweed salad and Tuna sashimi that is just so appealing.
So we still had our dinner out.
Sushi isn’t as scary to me as the other restaurant we were going to, but the food was not the main focus of my meal last night.
I was really happy looking across the table to see a man who didn’t look so defeated and frustrated with his wife, and miserable about the lives I have given us.
I haven’t pushed myself at all lately. Everything has been done my way, on my terms, and I have absolutely faked any effort at recovery, even if that wasn’t necessarily my intention.
That is not how someone gets healthy, and I am really sick of being trapped in my own mind.
Do I want to gain weight? No.
I was actually quite satisfied with the few pounds I lost the last few weeks, due to my half-assed approach.
But I also don’t want to lose the people I love and as others have been telling me all along, eventually that will happen. I am just fortunate they haven’t gone already.
Many of you have encouraged me, reminding me I have a choice; THE choice to live.
My everyday decisions reflect that choice, and they need a little change.
I will be sad if people comment on my expanding body, and I know I will feel insanely insecure, but I am hoping that who I am, and my true personality, will be more of a focus.
Thanks for all your support. You have helped more than you know these past few weeks.
Enjoy the rest of your weekends 🙂