In college I remember sitting in my American President’s class, listening to a lecture about John F. Kennedy, shocked that he often joked about his office, “why do today, what I can put off until tomorrow.”
Interesting considering he had a pretty important job at the time…
Even though my career is nowhere near as significant as the Executive of the U.S., I don’t operate like that.
I don’t like to end my day in the middle of a task, and prefer to accomplish as much as I can, in case something comes up that would prevent me from staying on my exact schedule, or meeting deadlines.
Let me stress that I am like this AT WORK.
In my personal life, I am a different story.
Actually I should say, my recovery efforts, are a different story.
My dietician from the residential facility I was in a few summers ago was nice enough to send me a meal plan and sample menus that were designed a bit differently than my current one, because as the past few weeks have demonstrated, the current one is no longer working.
It is too focused on calorie counting and that has proven to be more of a harm than a help, as of late.
Since I really trusted my Tennessee nutritionist, and I still consider her a very good friend, she was the one I called when I started to slip and Ryan began to panic.
I was excited and rejuvenated by her ideas, and daily calendars of entrée and snack ideas…until I was actually supposed to start implementing them.
It was going to be so great, counting nutrients, eating foods I remember loving when I was in their program, being on the right track to getting healthy…
…and then breakfast came and I sat down to the same thing I always choose.
“No big deal, I will make up for it at snack.”
“Oh darn I have a nail appointment, so I will add extra at lunch…”
“I am kind of in a hurry, so this afternoon I will make sure to get everything I need…”
9:00 PM and I still hadn’t necessary accomplished my new goal.
“Oh shoot, I will do better tomorrow…”
Yes, but not by much.
So much for jumping right in and putting forth my best effort to get healthy.
Why is it that I want to excel at my career? In athletics? As a wife, sister and friend? But I don’t care about doing something that will ultimately better myself, and allow me to improve at the things I just listed?
I wish I had an answer.
I know a lot of it has to do with fear, but being scared of the unknown, and a life without comforting unhealthy coping mechanisms, is not going to go away overnight, so why I believe putting off my recovery plan is a good idea, or that the process will somehow miraculously get easier in a matter of 24 hours, is simply illogical. In fact, I can attest to the fact that the deeper and longer you venture down the distorted path, it gets more difficult to dig yourself out.
Do I think that Ryan and the rest of my family will somehow forget that I need to gain weight? Or just give up on their quest to help me return back to the spouse and family member they once knew?
I can assure you that wont happen, so really I am just prolonging what HAS to happen in order for me to LIVE.
I have argued that I can easily sustain myself the way I am now…
I mean I am not my lowest weight ever and I can function in society pretty well…
But really, do I want to go through my days worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth, berating myself for a lack of control if I don’t remain within the parameters of my sick meal plan, or exercise what my twisted brain deems as enough?
Some times I might say I do, when I am really stressed and I get five minutes of sanity from my unhealthy habits, but 99% of the time, the dialogue in my mind, is hell, and I just want it to stop!
No one I have talked to that is recovered, ever tells me they miss their old ways.
So what is taking me so long?
Why wait for tomorrow, when I can start today?