Why Wait?

In college I remember sitting in my American President’s class, listening to a lecture about John F. Kennedy, shocked that he often joked about his office, “why do today, what I can put off until tomorrow.”

Interesting considering he had a pretty important job at the time…

Even though my career is nowhere near as significant as the Executive of the U.S., I don’t operate like that.

I don’t like to end my day in the middle of a task, and prefer to accomplish as much as I can, in case something comes up that would prevent me from staying on my exact schedule, or meeting deadlines.

Let me stress that I am like this AT WORK.

In my personal life, I am a different story.

Actually I should say, my recovery efforts, are a different story.

My dietician from the residential facility I was in a few summers ago was nice enough to send me a meal plan and sample menus that were designed a bit differently than my current one, because as the past few weeks have demonstrated, the current one is no longer working.

It is too focused on calorie counting and that has proven to be more of a harm than a help, as of late.

Since I really trusted my Tennessee nutritionist, and I still consider her a very good friend, she was the one I called when I started to slip and Ryan began to panic.

I was excited and rejuvenated by her ideas, and daily calendars of entrée and snack ideas…until I was actually supposed to start implementing them.

It was going to be so great, counting nutrients, eating foods I remember loving when I was in their program, being on the right track to getting healthy…

…and then breakfast came and I sat down to the same thing I always choose.

“No big deal, I will make up for it at snack.”

“Oh darn I have a nail appointment, so I will add extra at lunch…”

“I am kind of in a hurry, so this afternoon I will make sure to get everything I need…”

9:00 PM and I still hadn’t necessary accomplished my new goal.

“Oh shoot, I will do better tomorrow…”

Did I?

Yes, but not by much.

So much for jumping right in and putting forth my best effort to get healthy.

Why is it that I want to excel at my career? In athletics? As a wife, sister and friend? But I don’t care about doing something that will ultimately better myself, and allow me to improve at the things I just listed?

I wish I had an answer.

I know a lot of it has to do with fear, but being scared of the unknown, and a life without comforting unhealthy coping mechanisms, is not going to go away overnight, so why I believe putting off my recovery plan is a good idea, or that the process will somehow miraculously get easier in a matter of 24 hours, is simply illogical. In fact, I can attest to the fact that the deeper and longer you venture down the distorted path, it gets more difficult to dig yourself out.

Do I think that Ryan and the rest of my family will somehow forget that I need to gain weight? Or just give up on their quest to help me return back to the spouse and family member they once knew?

I can assure you that wont happen, so really I am just prolonging what HAS to happen in order for me to LIVE.

I have argued that I can easily sustain myself the way I am now…

I mean I am not my lowest weight ever and I can function in society pretty well…

But really, do I want to go through my days worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth, berating myself for a lack of control if I don’t remain within the parameters of my sick meal plan, or exercise what my twisted brain deems as enough?

Not really.

Some times I might say I do, when I am really stressed and I get five minutes of sanity from my unhealthy habits, but 99% of the time, the dialogue in my mind, is hell, and I just want it to stop!

No one I have talked to that is recovered, ever tells me they miss their old ways.

So what is taking me so long?

Why wait for tomorrow, when I can start today?

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10 thoughts on “Why Wait?

  1. this happens to me a lot…
    hence you will find me at midnight at the counter eating chocolate and cereal…ultimately not a good thing…but at night i get worried and panicked that i’ve wasted SO much time…my mother sent me an email yesterday saying i should “be better by now” …its been 3 years….and i better be gaining (meantime i am less than i was last time she saw me)

    these weight ins are so stresffull…because of holidays and weather i mmissed my last 3 appt. ..so when i see my nurse tommorow it will have been a month gone by…and i know for a fact i haven’t gained…i can’t express my emotions

    • just listen to your body, eat during the day if you are hungry and try not to judge. you need nourishment and proper nutrition to make your thoughts more logical and clear. sometimes sticking to a schedule helps, even if you arent hungry eat something every 3 hours to keep yourself fueled and alert. it might help with the late night eating that causes u so much guilt….
      but remember, there is nothing wrong with your midnight munchies. it is a sign your body is starving!

  2. Hey Girl!
    I had this same realization recently too! I had been slowly, very very slowly, making recovery steps. Adding things here and there, trying new foods (sometimes) and I had convinced myself that I was making progress. But I wasn’t really getting anywhere. I was taking it so slow and telling myself that tomorrow I will do this and that better that it never really made a difference in my recovery. Then I realized , while recovery is most definitely a slow process, I still need to give it my all and be determined through out the whole thing, not taking the smallest baby steps every few weeks. I made some huge strides these past two days, and while they were frightening and made me go into a panic state at times, i got through them because I know what my goal is and I know I want to get there as fast as I can. Recovery is a long process, but I can determine how slow or fast i get there. I’m proud of you CJ! XOXO
    Caitlyn

    • I am so proud of YOU! keep up the fabulous progress my darling. we will both get there, and even though it is taking a bit longer than we may want, it will be worth it in the end!!!

  3. Hey CJ –
    I am a faithful reader but don’t often say much b/c I don’t have an ED history so I often don’t know what to say. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it must be to overcome this disorder and just want you to know how strong I think you are. These are some verses I often turn to when I am in a rough spot and need encouragement. I hope they will bring you hope and renewed strength!

    Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

    For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you “Do not fear, I will help you” Isaiah 41:13

    I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
    Philippians 4:13

    Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31

    “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    2 Cor. 12: 9-10

    • That was so incredibly sweet of you to share your faith in my time of need. Those passages are so encouraging and very helpful to assist me in getting back on track and letting go of my fears. Thank you so much for reminding me of the Lords strength and how he shows us the way. And thank you for reading 🙂 ❤

  4. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.”

    Just one step. One at a time. This journeyof recovery may seem impossibly long and hard to follow at times, but as long as we keep making those steps, we will eventually get there. Before you know it, we will not only be stepping, but striding and then eventually we will be running to the finish line. You are doing so great hun in taking those steps; don’t worry if you feel discouraged if you have a time when you don’t move as fast as you would like. Remember, recovery is not a sprint although in order to finish the race, you have to start NOW! You can do it girl! I know you can! We can run this race, complete this journey together, on step at a time!

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