Getting It Together

When I was a teenager the phrase I dreaded hearing most in the entire world was, “I am so disappointed in you.”

Oh my gosh if my mom said that to me, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because it was like my main mission in life to be a good daughter and person.

I could work with her being mad at me, but for some reason the “D” word just cut me like a knife.

It’s weird because the past few years the thing I hated doing most, is pretty much all I have done.

What I mean is, my family is not mad at me for being sick or having struggles, but they are frustrated with the process and get extremely disappointed when my actions are not congruent with my words.

I can say five hundred million times that I want to get healthy, I won’t measure my nut butters, I will follow my recovery plan…

But these are just words, and often I don’t follow through.

The hard part is, it is not that I don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick, or completely disordered for the rest of my life. Not at all.

I try to explain this to Ryan all the time. If I could make all of this go away; the negative self-talk, the incessant thoughts about calories and being fat, analyzing my meals or criticizing my exercise for the day…

If I could get rid of that, I would, but unfortunately it is not that easy, and the road to get there is full of set-backs which cause third-party disappointment.

I don’t wake up thinking, “how can I sabotage my “get-healthy” efforts today.” But then I get to my treadmill, intending on taking a nice, brisk, but appropriate walk, and a voice inside me says, “come on CJ, you can go faster than that you lazy bum…pick up that incline, your legs are looking a little saggy…”

And then I sit down to breakfast, “are you sure you need a banana with your oatmeal? Do you really need ¾ cup egg whites? How about only ½?”

This goes on the entire day.

Every decision, every second, there is another person inside me trying to hijack my brain.

I realize I sound absolutely insane describing this to you, but I used to try to make a visual for people; it is like being in a cartoon where there is an angel at one ear and a little devil at the other, and a constant battle is waged for what I should be doing.

Because I just get sick of listening to this chatter, or war, that occurs NON-STOP, I tend to pick the louder voice just to turn it off for a brief moment.

Anyone want to guess at which voice that is?

And then these poor decisions are reflected in my doctor appointments, appearance, mood, personality, etc. and my family is disappointed.

They don’t get this way to hurt my feelings, or make me even more sad that I am letting them down. They simply know I can do better, and should so I can live a long, happy, life.

I have always prided myself on undertaking challenging tasks, accomplishing difficult goals, and being a strong person, so it is very difficult for my loved ones to understand why I cannot find the confidence to achieve the most important thing I have ever had to do; destroy ed.

The reason I am bringing this up, is because a very smart woman commented on my post the other day about how her hatred for saddening her loved ones was the only thing that could truly motivate her to recover.

I have always had this in the back of my mind, but I easily forget when I am put in a situation where I need the comfort of bad habits.

Perhaps I need to re-focus and energize myself through remembering how much I despise letting down the people I love.

At this point, I am open to any suggestions to help me “get my sh*t” together.

I hope you all had fabulous weekends!! Happy Monday 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Getting It Together

  1. The title of my last post can assure you of NOT being crazy. Fighting yourself is the hardest part of this journey because in recovering, you don’t know if the angel or devil is making decisions. Every time I think about something food related I stop and try to realize if the decision is me or the other me. Its hard to decipher between the two.

  2. Surrounding yourself with positive people and influences are one of the best methods of therapy for recovery. I remember how much I was hurting my loved ones but for some reason, I just kept doing it because deep down, I knew they would continue to love me regardless. It wasn’t until I began refocusing my “hobbies” and channeling them into more healthy habits that I started to really change. For example, in the past, I would do everything humanly possible to avoid social outings with food….I eventually gave in more and more until I realized that it was helping me so much to be able to face my fear without even realizing it. Keep making those small steps and the voices get quieter and quieter

  3. Truly freaky — that is exactly the same phrase I dreaded from my own parents. But I’m wondering if with high-achievers with perfectionist tendencies that doesn’t just horribly backfire in the end. I think it does.

    Just like you, I don’t blame my parents for having used that approach to try to encourage my own moral and ethical compass to develop and find its path. But I was so eager to please, so terrified of conflict that it would usually just result in lying and deceit on my part.

    It’s taken me quite a while to develop appropriate boundaries whereby I can understand that my actions may be impacting someone, but it is their choice how they react to it, and I am not responsible for that part.

    Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

    I have so many chronic health conditions that I often feel guilt-ridden at how much my family has to carry the load when I am simply too ill to do so. Chronic conditions end up being a family ordeal, but it has been my husband who has taught me that I actually greatly alleviate all our frustration if I stop taking on board anxiety and pre-emptively attempting to push through symptoms (usually resulting in even more severe symptoms for me).

    In other words I may be the one with the chronic conditions but I am not to blame for the ways in which that limits me and while others may have to pick up the slack on my behalf, I too deserve to be frustrated and disappointed in how the symptoms so negatively impact my life (let alone everyone else’s).

    I have no idea if that makes much sense (re-reading it I’m not sure it does!). Basically, we are a team with our family and the chronic condition is a burden for all of us equally (although it impacts each member uniquely of course).

    And when we are the ones with the chronic condition, part of our job ends up being teaching our loved ones that the chronic condition is not one and the same with who we are. We don’t have to lie and deceive to cover up what the chronic condition sometimes compels us to do and as soon as we stop covering up and lying for it, then things really do get a lot easier for everyone (especially us!).

    The eating disorder is not you CJ. Keep reminding yourself of that. Hugs, Gwyneth.

    • You always have such wisdom to share.
      The burden for me, and the burden for my family are so different yet equally as difficult. Thank you for the reminder that I am not completely defined by my disorder and that I, although hidden sometimes, am still in there, waiting to come out, better than ever 🙂

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