When I was a teenager the phrase I dreaded hearing most in the entire world was, “I am so disappointed in you.”
Oh my gosh if my mom said that to me, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because it was like my main mission in life to be a good daughter and person.
I could work with her being mad at me, but for some reason the “D” word just cut me like a knife.
It’s weird because the past few years the thing I hated doing most, is pretty much all I have done.
What I mean is, my family is not mad at me for being sick or having struggles, but they are frustrated with the process and get extremely disappointed when my actions are not congruent with my words.
I can say five hundred million times that I want to get healthy, I won’t measure my nut butters, I will follow my recovery plan…
But these are just words, and often I don’t follow through.
The hard part is, it is not that I don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick, or completely disordered for the rest of my life. Not at all.
I try to explain this to Ryan all the time. If I could make all of this go away; the negative self-talk, the incessant thoughts about calories and being fat, analyzing my meals or criticizing my exercise for the day…
If I could get rid of that, I would, but unfortunately it is not that easy, and the road to get there is full of set-backs which cause third-party disappointment.
I don’t wake up thinking, “how can I sabotage my “get-healthy” efforts today.” But then I get to my treadmill, intending on taking a nice, brisk, but appropriate walk, and a voice inside me says, “come on CJ, you can go faster than that you lazy bum…pick up that incline, your legs are looking a little saggy…”
And then I sit down to breakfast, “are you sure you need a banana with your oatmeal? Do you really need ¾ cup egg whites? How about only ½?”
This goes on the entire day.
Every decision, every second, there is another person inside me trying to hijack my brain.
I realize I sound absolutely insane describing this to you, but I used to try to make a visual for people; it is like being in a cartoon where there is an angel at one ear and a little devil at the other, and a constant battle is waged for what I should be doing.
Because I just get sick of listening to this chatter, or war, that occurs NON-STOP, I tend to pick the louder voice just to turn it off for a brief moment.
Anyone want to guess at which voice that is?
And then these poor decisions are reflected in my doctor appointments, appearance, mood, personality, etc. and my family is disappointed.
They don’t get this way to hurt my feelings, or make me even more sad that I am letting them down. They simply know I can do better, and should so I can live a long, happy, life.
I have always prided myself on undertaking challenging tasks, accomplishing difficult goals, and being a strong person, so it is very difficult for my loved ones to understand why I cannot find the confidence to achieve the most important thing I have ever had to do; destroy ed.
The reason I am bringing this up, is because a very smart woman commented on my post the other day about how her hatred for saddening her loved ones was the only thing that could truly motivate her to recover.
I have always had this in the back of my mind, but I easily forget when I am put in a situation where I need the comfort of bad habits.
Perhaps I need to re-focus and energize myself through remembering how much I despise letting down the people I love.
At this point, I am open to any suggestions to help me “get my sh*t” together.
I hope you all had fabulous weekends!! Happy Monday 🙂