Two Speeds

I am absolutely blown away by all of your support.

To be honest I was afraid of receiving, “HYPOCRITE, BORING, WHO CARES,” but it was really inspirational to have some serious encouragement, so thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I know some of you can relate to this, but one of the biggest things ED LOVES to tell me is how I let everyone down, I am so lame, a huge disappointment, I fail incessantly, etc. and then I just feel so alone and like I need to take care of everything myself.

That is tiring, but newly tiring!

This may sound weird but when I first started running and watching my caloric intake I felt fantastic. I was like the energizer bunny that just never stopped; waking up at 4:00 a.m. to exercise, getting Ryan and I both out the door with nicely packed lunches, working a full day, coming home to make dinner and do household responsibilities…

People were amazed at my schedule, and in the office would comment, “Oh my gosh, how do you do it? No wonder you stay so trim. I wish I had your discipline.”

Initially this gave me an immense feeling of power.

I really could do anything. My fitness was improving, I felt better about my body, I was earning a paycheck and buying things that mom and dad didn’t have to support; life was good.

But like the energizer bunny, I had two speeds; super-fast, crazy energy, and then OFF.

I failed to realize that after these long days of playing the part of superb wife and adult-woman, I crashed into bed at 8:30 p.m.

There was no conversation with my husband before bed, because I went to sleep before most elementary schoolers.

Forget intimacy. That went out the window with all my “old, fat” clothes.

But it didn’t matter to me because I was getting smaller, increasing my speed, impressing people with my capabilities and honestly (and this sounds horrible) almost feeling superior to those around me who just couldn’t avoid the temptation of the office candy dish.

But eventually everything started to fall apart.

My body started feeling the lack of nutrition and not only did it show in my appearance, but on my labs, in my bone scan, in my performance at work, home and the gym.

The intense energy that gave me such a high, started to ware off.

I pushed myself, and tried to keep up the façade for a while. And as much as I fought and totally despised being in hospitals, they almost gave me a sense of peace, because I could combat the negative voices with, “you have to eat it or you can’t call home,” and I could slow down.

When I start using behaviors, after a pretty long stretch of healthy habits, I guess I thought I might again get that “rush,” but it never came.

Instead my body went straight to exhaustion, crying out, “please don’t do this to me again.”

*Damn you body for being smarter than me!!!

But I appreciate the support, because as many of you know from experience, regardless of how horrific we may feel physically, the negative self-talk often wins out and pushes us to continue making the unhealthy choices.

I know I can get back on track. I just need to switch my focus and maintain motivation.

Thank you for helping me do that.

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4 thoughts on “Two Speeds

  1. That’s the worst thing about EDs… and also the hardest for anyone to understand! Even now with me being at a healthier weight and better eating habits I don’t think I can push myself to the lengths I did when I was eating so little and working out like crazy! Somehow, it happened though and I took it too far. And eventually, it caught up with me to the point of utter physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. The worst part? Many of us in this stage are still just too scared and too confused to quit it all and give in to recovery. Rather than welcoming it with open arms — a time to finally relax and nourish yourself — no way. It’s awful.

    But it’s good that you’re able to look back on that and see that you never want to go back to that dark place again… I know for me, it’s definitely enough to make me accept recovery as hard as it can be! Stay strong :]

    • Thanks Jess. I agree that recovery should also contain relaxation so your body can heal. I am trying to accept that right now but sometimes i just feel so lazy! im pushing through though 🙂 thanks for your support!!!

  2. ED thrives on routine and discipline. It feels good to “have it all together” and have people admire your drive. But as you know if things get off track then that brings panic. I am the same way and I can tell you that it will stay with you your whole life, even after you progress I’m recovery. You go until you crash. I read an amazing book that my treatment plan had me read called Life Without Ed. I know you are busy but it might be great for you and your hubby to read.

    • i actually read that book, and her other! Jenny Schaffer is very inspirational and i enjoyed how real she was. sometimes i think being driven is a great attribute and other times it prevents good self-care. remember to take time for you hun 🙂

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