I feel like a huge hypocrite right now.

I haven’t been one hundred percent honest in the past few weeks, because I kind of omitted some information that might explain why my posts have been rather BORING and perhaps why I am so damn tired.

I have not been making any progress in the “getting healthy” arena.

Both my husband and nutritionist have been somewhat disappointed in my performance as a meal plan follower and unfortunately it has been very difficult for me to get back on the right track.

But I have ignored my digression, as always, and brushed it off as insignificant…people fluctuate right???

As Ryan told me the other day, I really can’t afford to fluctuate a whole lot.

So last night after I wrote a very lack-luster, uninspired entry, frankly because it was exactly what I was feeling at the time; totally out of balance and stressed, I got an e-mail from a reader.

She pointed out that sometimes when she wasn’t nourishing her body properly, she also became lethargic and didn’t function at optimal speed.

Perhaps she’s on to something.

And deep down I know this, but I don’t like to admit it, because there is still a huge part of me that is like “RESTRICT, RESTRICT, RESTRICT!!”

It’s not the same as it used to be, giving me a relatively low caloric range that I “could not“ go over, but the number it fears now, is still too low for the progress I need to make, and that is a problem.

I want to be numb out because I feel like such a failure at my job.

How could I not see the signs?

Or I should correct myself and say, why am I IGNORING the signs???

I am obsessed with getting in enough exercise.

I count calories more meticulously than a few months ago when I was working on breaking up with that horrific habit.

I am thinking about food A LOT, like way too much, putting wayyyyyyy too much thought into meals and second guessing every decision because I just can’t make up my mind at what sounds “the best.”

*Just a little side note here. This was one of the most annoying things about being very sick. I could never ever decide what to eat. It was always a million hour back and forth, pro and con list for every meal because I did not want to “waste” any calories on something that wasn’t perfect. Maybe some of you can relate?

I get a little shaky in the afternoon…don’t feel as clear….

I mean I could go on with a list but I think you get the idea.

The point is, I have not been good at my recovery plan.

Forget worrying about being a failure at my career, how about being a failure in getting healthy?

If I fail at that, I might die, because let’s face it, the statistics for eating disorders and mortality are pretty darn grim.

So I apologize, friends, for not being completely open about my struggles lately. I think I need to start being more vulnerable, as I believe I was before, because I know I have a lot inside, but my thoughts are completely spastic and disorganized and I am incredibly scared to share.

My old habits, or bottling up emotion hasn’t worked well for me in the past, so perhaps, going back to what was helping, might be a good idea, and just what I need to be more successful at achieving my ultimate goal.

Bear with me. I know my posts have been pretty vague and lame, but I am hoping they, and ME will get better.

Thanks for being so supportive. Have I ever told you how much I love you???


21 thoughts on “Confession

  1. I just want you to know..

    -i love youu
    -i want you to get back on track
    -a few weeks/months ago you seemed to be doing very well and following a healthy lifestyle/outlook, and that was truly inspiring and beautiful for me to hear.

    You are too smart for this babe.
    We all love you and admire your words and effort.
    Now let's start a fresh begining and move on 🙂

  2. I am here for you CJ… you know what you need to do and you are also plainly seeing how much you are starting to fall down the “rabbit hole” again. And what is coming from this? You are getting fatigued, “out of sorts,” the anxiety is even more prominent, withdrawing, right now you may be physically alright, but if you don’t change, your physical health is going to suffer again too.
    By the sound of things you are unhappy….and I know you see the connection here. You are becoming more unhappy, isolated, not yourself, because the ED is creepin it’s way back in. RIGHT NOW- nip it in the butt before it gets worse again. It’s so TOUGH and feels like the worst thing ever… I know you know this! But we BOTH know it’s so freakin worth it.
    Please keep pressing on and doing what you know is right.

    • Very well said Tessa! All of the things you have confessed to here C.J., have been pretty apparent to those who know you. I pray you can turn this around before it totally controls you. You are very aware of what your stressors are. I hope you are able to honestly share all of this with your new therapist. The fact that you feel the need to numb, so closely related to experiencing all of your recent stressors, has never served to be an appropriate coping mechanism.
      I am glad you are coming clean, and reaching out for the support you deserve. You are loved by many, who don’t want to see you suffer. Many can help, but only one can make the decision to turn things around! To quote an awesome woman I know, “have I told you lately how much I love you?”

    • thank you for the support, Tessa. I know you completely understand where I am coming from. I always enjoy reading your posts because you are doing fabulously!!!!

  3. Thanks for the honesty CJ! (I had a feeling something was up) Now that you are facing your struggles by telling about them, now it is time to start to combat them. Today is a new day and each day we have a chance to start again and to do better. Hang in there and I’m here if you need to talk!

  4. Keep fighting! I don’t know if you ever read my comments but I hope you do!

    ” *Just a little side note here. This was one of the most annoying things about being very sick. I could never ever decide what to eat. It was always a million hour back and forth, pro and con list for every meal because I did not want to “waste” any calories on something that wasn’t perfect. Maybe some of you can relate?”

    I am curious to know more about the shaky feeling and the symptoms you experience when you are restricting….I am one of those people that doesn’t feel hungry in the normal sense when I restrict, but I get a lot of other symptoms, getting the shakes being one of them. I think I still play mind games with myself sometimes wondering if that is hunger but hearing you say that helped me be honest with myself.

    • i always read your comments!! i love hearing from readers!
      typically my symptoms are a bit of naseau, spotty or blurry vision, lack of concentration, hands shaky, body just feeling lethargic. Normally i do feel hunger and it is super intense so these are weird things i am experiencing.
      listen to your body hun. sometimes it really does know what is best 🙂

  5. Great post, and I can relate to everything you’ve said, particularly:

    “She pointed out that sometimes when she wasn’t nourishing her body properly, she also became lethargic and didn’t function at optimal speed.”

    I have found it can lead to a downward spiral, gradually restricting > lack of energy > lack of motivation/enthusiasm > decreased ability to ‘up’ food intake.

    Important thing is, you’ve been honest and know you need to get back on the upwards spiral! Hopefully as your food intake increases, your energy levels will also. (This is something I’ve only recently woken up to myself!)


    • you are so right about the chain of events and the downward spiral that just gets out of control. thank you for sharing your experience 🙂 it will hopefully help me improve my lack of motivation!

  6. Oh no, Cj. 😦 Unforunately, ED sneaks its head in quickly and takes over. I think it’s so unfair how easy it is to fall into the hole, but it’s ten times harder to dig yourself out. It’s so much easier to go to one “habit” but WHY is it so hard to just go towards another habit?

    Personally, I think you really need to just stop putting it off. It’s SO good you recognized you’re slipping but TAKE THIS KNOWLEDGE and make a change. It can be anything, the smallest step forward is one LESS of a step backward. Do not lose yourself. It’s the hardest thing when you’re in way too deep… You’re going to realize it, then you’re going to stress yourself out, become worried/anxious, and suffer even more. Take a small step forward EVERY day. Push your comfort zone at least once. If I have a bad day, I make sure that by the time I go to bed… You damn well better believe I eat a “fear food”. I make myself.

    I can TOTALLY relate to your side note. I, especially, feel this ALL.THE.TIME. since I’m under constant watch AND I’m really stepping up my game. The one day I didn’t know what my mom put into something and I usually analyze and ask EVERY ingredient that goes into it. My mom is doing SO well at trying to deal with this. It’s hard for her because no one can ever really understand, but she’s going along with my idea of “tricking” my mind. For instance, using Smart Balance instead of real butter. She’s starting to understand I just want a “healthier” or more “nutritionally beneficial” option because I trick my mind into thinking it’s good butter lol. It sounds ridiculous, but… The one day I came home and she made stir-fry and I immediately went to make my own meal. But I stopped… Took a breathe and said, “I need to do this. I need to just EAT it.” Closed the refrigerator. And ate the stir-fry.

    It’s all about baby-steps…. But after that meal, you have no idea how good it felt to just concur my own mind. Since we’re in constant battle with ourselves, beating the “devil” inside is just… an awesome feeling.

    Keep pressing on, CJ. DO NOT just brush this off. Take control. Take action, NOW.

    • you are always so insightful! and give fabulous advice. i am very proud of the strides you have made and they truly do give me some inspiration to do better myself.
      you are awesome and i appreciate all your support.
      as you know, the negative voice often tells us how alone we are.
      thanks again hun!

    • I can totes magotes relate to everything that you have been struggling with, SpectacuLAUR. You are an inspiration and want to let you know that you are making great strides. With each time you disagree with ED, each time you disobey it, you are only geting stronger and healthier. With each small victory, you are inching your way to getting your life back. Keep doing your thang, girl!

  7. Perhaps committing to your meal plan for the sake of your husband and your marriage will make it easier. For me, I wasn’t able to truly commit to recovery and make genuine progress until I decided that I couldn’t continue to disappoint, sadden, and break my mom’s heart any more through restriction and over exercising. Once I truly reflected on how my actions were only making me “happy” and were making everyone else devastated, it was easier to change and accept more weight on my body. View the meal plan and following it as your opportunity to give back to your husband all of the love and support that he has given you. Keep fighting!

    • that is such a great suggestion. i do believe some of the worst aspects of this is all the dissapointment i bring to my family. every time they think i am doing better, i let them down.
      thank you for sharing your story and strength!

  8. I think that although slip-ups and setbacks happen a lot through recovery (and still happen for me nearly half a year into my own journey as well), it always kind of annoyed me when therapists or nutritionists told me, “It’s ok! It’s important that you acknowledge it at least!” You know, the first time, yeah, it’s okay because you’re easing into recovery… second and third time, too. I don’t know if I’m just extra hard on myself and other people, constantly second guessing myself or them if they’re REALLY trying to recover or just putting off for as much as they can, but I always thought that if you keep thinking it’s “okay” to make these mistakes, you’re bound to make them more and more and tell yourself that tomorrow will be different when really it won’t and may even get worse.

    (I’m not directing this rant at you CJ, lol) But I just know that whenever I gave into my ED whether it was from stress or poor body image, I knew full well I was doing but thought maybe I could prolong the recovery process just a bit…. a tad won’t hurt, right? After all, no one’s told me to rush into recovery!

    Anyway, while I think it’s good you’ve finally acknowledged and “fessed up” to giving in slightly to your ED, I also hope you don’t think it’ll be okay for you to confess but still keep restricting simply because you’re afraid of the eventual extra pounds. (I know you know it’s wrong, but…. actions are always tougher!)

    Also, I always did that with the back-and-forth regarding food too! It would sometimes come down to deciding btwn 10 or 20 measly calories. Or if I ran out of food in the fridge, it took me forever to come up with the “best” combo of foods to buy that wouldn’t be binge-tempting and would be the least amount of calories! Awful and so stressful….

  9. First of all, I want to say that you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know. I am sooooo very proud of you for acknowledging that you haven’t been doing the greatest. And you know what? That’s okay. The roady to recovery is not all smooth sailing all of the time. There are those hills, those darn pot-holes and road blocks. The important thing is that you realize when they occur and try to stop them. You brush off the dust and you get back on that road. Because that road is going to lead you to an amazing and happy and healthy life! One which you oh so deserve! I too have struggled with this. I feel that if I am doing okay or have a great day, I have to have that great day again. And the next day. I can never have a set back and if I do, I have to pretend that it never happened (those silly perfectionistic tendancies) which just feeds into what ED wants, gives her more power. Do not feel bad that you had an oops moment; you have come so far to let a little slip hold you back! I’m proud of hun and know that you are not alone in this. If you ever need to talk, I am here always, always. Stay strong girl and keep smiling!

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