I feel like a huge hypocrite right now.
I haven’t been one hundred percent honest in the past few weeks, because I kind of omitted some information that might explain why my posts have been rather BORING and perhaps why I am so damn tired.
I have not been making any progress in the “getting healthy” arena.
Both my husband and nutritionist have been somewhat disappointed in my performance as a meal plan follower and unfortunately it has been very difficult for me to get back on the right track.
But I have ignored my digression, as always, and brushed it off as insignificant…people fluctuate right???
As Ryan told me the other day, I really can’t afford to fluctuate a whole lot.
So last night after I wrote a very lack-luster, uninspired entry, frankly because it was exactly what I was feeling at the time; totally out of balance and stressed, I got an e-mail from a reader.
She pointed out that sometimes when she wasn’t nourishing her body properly, she also became lethargic and didn’t function at optimal speed.
Perhaps she’s on to something.
And deep down I know this, but I don’t like to admit it, because there is still a huge part of me that is like “RESTRICT, RESTRICT, RESTRICT!!”
It’s not the same as it used to be, giving me a relatively low caloric range that I “could not“ go over, but the number it fears now, is still too low for the progress I need to make, and that is a problem.
I want to be numb out because I feel like such a failure at my job.
How could I not see the signs?
Or I should correct myself and say, why am I IGNORING the signs???
I am obsessed with getting in enough exercise.
I count calories more meticulously than a few months ago when I was working on breaking up with that horrific habit.
I am thinking about food A LOT, like way too much, putting wayyyyyyy too much thought into meals and second guessing every decision because I just can’t make up my mind at what sounds “the best.”
*Just a little side note here. This was one of the most annoying things about being very sick. I could never ever decide what to eat. It was always a million hour back and forth, pro and con list for every meal because I did not want to “waste” any calories on something that wasn’t perfect. Maybe some of you can relate?
I get a little shaky in the afternoon…don’t feel as clear….
I mean I could go on with a list but I think you get the idea.
The point is, I have not been good at my recovery plan.
Forget worrying about being a failure at my career, how about being a failure in getting healthy?
If I fail at that, I might die, because let’s face it, the statistics for eating disorders and mortality are pretty darn grim.
So I apologize, friends, for not being completely open about my struggles lately. I think I need to start being more vulnerable, as I believe I was before, because I know I have a lot inside, but my thoughts are completely spastic and disorganized and I am incredibly scared to share.
My old habits, or bottling up emotion hasn’t worked well for me in the past, so perhaps, going back to what was helping, might be a good idea, and just what I need to be more successful at achieving my ultimate goal.
Bear with me. I know my posts have been pretty vague and lame, but I am hoping they, and ME will get better.
Thanks for being so supportive. Have I ever told you how much I love you???