Ok despite my hatred for New Year’s Resolutions, perhaps it is time for me to make one; LET IT GO, CJ, Let it go.
You see, I am a dweller.
If there is something about my day (or life for that matter) that is bothersome I tend to overanalyze, ruminate, obsess, pretty much all of the above, until I completely takes over my concentration.
I eventually will get over it, but it takes a lot for me to “shake it off.”
So the other day, when I was reading my bl-iend Tessa’s blog, and she was having a similar problem, I could totally sympathize.
Her situation was actually one I had/have quite frequently; a numerical value could/can completely destroy my psyche.
I used to weigh myself, every day, multiple times a day.
I would step on the scale when I got up, after I worked out, after my shower, at night; anytime I was feeling something uncomfortable I went to that damn scale, which would then either a. completely change my mindset to be hateful toward my body, allowing me to divert my attention from the troublesome area of my life to the ridiculous value the digital reader had before my eyes, or give me a sense of calm because the weight was considered “ok.”
It was like a magic cure, or my worst nightmare.
Stupid, I know, but as I have told you all before, my body was something I felt I had a bit of control over (UNTRUE, UNTRUE, UNTRUE!!!) but life, as you all know, is very much unpredictable.
If I didn’t like my weight, or how I looked, I felt I could do something about it.
However, until that changed happened, if my weight was up or at somewhere out of my “you aren’t a complete fat and disgusting whale” zone, then until it went back to an “appropriate” place, my focus wouldn’t be on anything else.
In some regards this was easier than addressing the other areas in my life that needed to be fixed or at least accepted, but either way I spent days dwelling about something I wasn’t happy about.
So obviously Tessa, you are not alone.
Today I am not writing about the scale, or my weight, or food.
Instead I am telling you that I need to work on letting things, in general, go.
A negative comment, or hurtful remark, a drink I accidentally spilled on my desk…
There are a ton of things that are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but can totally ruin my mood, or prevent me from being a productive person, because I am obsessing.
I will give you an example, and this is kind of what is driving my thoughts.
I have been in my “new” job for almost two months.
With the holidays and crazy schedules, my 30 day evaluation never really got done.
So last week my principal called me into his office to talk about my progress, just to help me asses where I stand.
He was completely supportive and very nice, but there was someone else in the district that reported to him I was “deficient” in certain areas of my performance.
That word was like nails on the chalkboard to me.
I couldn’t hear any of the positive things that were said. All that kept repeating was “deficient, deficient, deficient…aka, STUPID, DUMB, IDIOT, FAT, FAILURE…”
I let it distract me the entire week.
I brought my negative self-talk home, I took it to Zumba, it stayed with me all weekend…
Everything I did, if I made a silly, little, easily correctable mistake, I just kept playing the horrifically unconstructive tape in my head.
If you are like me, I can’t really give you any advice on how to get over this problem, because I very much struggle with it myself (obviously), but what I can say is that today I did make a major mistake that I am confident I will be able to fix with time, effort and a lot of stress, and instead of staying a million hours extra to be consumed and go crazy, I left it on my desk, and said “It will still be here tomorrow.”
I need to enter the situation with a clear mind, fresh eyes, and a new attitude.
I needed to come home, spend time with my family, eat a delicious meal, watch the Bachelor, and rest.
I needed to stop letting every little thing affect me so much, when eventually everything will be ok.
Let it go, CJ, just let it go.