Daddy Detox

Since it’s the new year I think it’s about time for a cleanse.

No, not one of those crazy detox retreats or juice diets or anything like that, but more of a release of some poison that has been inside me for far too long.

This weekend I decided to write my Poppy a letter. For those of you who are newer, Poppy is my adopted father, who came into my life when I was 16 and was generous enough to take me on as his own. I am so appreciative and happy to have him, but he is a business man who works, or at least is mentally working, ALL the time.

He travels, his brain doesn’t shut off, and although I feel very fortunate for the one time a week I do get to see him, I wrote him a letter to express my fear that these visits will get less frequent as his house in my hometown is also for sale, and he might take residence permanently in NJ,

Last week he assured me he would still come to his local dealership regularly, but I cant help but worry that it just wont be the same, and I will feel fatherless, once again.

You might ask why I don’t just tell him this verbally. Well there are a few answers to that, starting with the fact that his attention span is pretty minimal, and I am not the best at expressing myself on the spot. For these reasons I felt it was better to write. We will see how it goes.

Anyway, back to the toxicity…

After I wrote this letter to my Poppy, I was also considering writing a letter to my biological father, who I met for the very first time in my life the summer of 2010, we had two brief meetings, and then no contact since. (That is a very simple and short explanation to a VERY long story.)

The whole connection came about because he wrote me letters while I was in residential treatment. I had never heard from him before that and it was kind of awkward “conversing” through weekly letters, but I wrote back for over two months.

When I came home it seemed only natural to meet in person and I had to go through his wife to make that happen.

That should have been my second sign that this was a bad idea.

The first red-flags should have been 22 years of standing a few feet away at our local country club and him never acknowledging my presence. How could I have possibly forgotten all those instances?!

But I did because I wanted to be optimistic and everyone thought I would regret it if he died and I never made the effort (another weird twist in the story is he is in his late 70’s).

I should have gone with my gut, and listened to my intuition that said DON’T BUY INTO THOSE BULLSHIT LETTERS about how he missed me for so many years. He has always loved me. He wanted to meet me for so long…

Blah, blah, blah.

So this is my first step in writing the letter and saying all the things I want to say to him…

You are a coward for never calling, writing, or verbally attempting to include me in your life, if you really wanted it that bad.

I am sure you let your wife dictate your actions, or should I say, lack of action, and that is somewhat pathetic.

I am glad I met you, but God gave me much better father figures so perhaps it was best that you weren’t around.

I have plenty more to say, but it’s so disorganized and I will save it for another time.

Thanks for listening. I totally feel better releasing that from my mind and heart.

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4 thoughts on “Daddy Detox

  1. Way to go! I think writing them letters is a great idea! You get to express yourself and unload the hurt that you’ve felt. I hope that this brings you closure or at least some peace.*

  2. C.J., you are a wonderful, courageous young lady that deserves so much more in the “daddy dept.” I ad mire your ability to confront this head on….great work at a difficult time….<3

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