Yesterday I had a very special afternoon.
A very special afternoon because it was with this lady:
(that is my sister I am attacking, just in case you were wondering 🙂 )
My sister had some Christmas exchanges she needed to do at the mall (the closest semi-decent mall is like 35 minutes away so we had lots of QT in the car) and we decided to make our outing complete with a little lunch date.
We very rarely ever get to spend time alone with one another because our work schedules are pretty opposite, her boyfriend is here, or Ryan is around and it is just not the same when you add boys into the mix.
We are five years apart but have always been close and lately I just have not been as good of a sister as I would like.
There is a lot of awkward tension about our house being sold, for reasons that are far too difficult to explain in a single blog post, but as part of the condensed version, I will tell you was pretty devastated by the fact that Lindsay may not be living with Ryan and I, after we move.
There are a few different components as to why her decision to separate was made, but I have concluded that these are probably the two most significant:
1. She is 19 and has a boyfriend who I believe she wants to move in with.
2. She and Ryan do not always see eye to eye on her lifestyle choices.
You see, Linds did not elect to go to college right after high school and I think that was the best possible choice for her.
She was not ready, still doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do with her life, and I think it would have been a complete waste of money, so for now, her working at a grocery store is just fine with me.
As long as she was working, I was happy and proud of her for doing more than sitting around wallowing in self-pity.
She has applied for other jobs, since her place of employment is pretty stingy with hours and doesn’t want her to be full-time, but it is a tough market out there and a million people are trying to find work.
At least she is trying.
I will admit I get a bit frustrated when I come home, after a long day, and find a sticky macaroni and cheese pan still sitting on the stove, not washed, soaking or even being presently used, and perhaps I had expressed that annoyance to my husband, so a few weeks ago he decided to verbalize it and she overheard, which really hurt her feelings.
I understand both sides of this scenario because I am a pretty sensitive person too, and all I really want in this world is to make people happy and do the right thing. So because of this instance and some other things here and there, Linds feels like it might be better if she go somewhere other than with us.
I am trying my best to let her forge her own path, and do what she needs/wants to do, but I would be lying if I said I was ok with her decision.
I’m being totally selfish, but I am scared to not have her in a residence with me.
…maybe not so much because I don’t think she could handle it, but because I don’t know if I can.
She has gone through some pretty shitty things these past few years and she always seems to manage, but me, I’m terrified of being without her, and actually, my mom too.
I am the healthiest I have been in a LONG time and I attribute it to my family unit that I currently live with.
Ryan is fantastic and a great support, but on nights when he works or wants to go out with his friends, Lindsay, even just her presence, helps push me to do the right thing, and not isolate, restrict or become re-best friends with my treadmill.
I am also nervous of losing her.
The place she was talking about going is 15 minutes away.
That may not seem like a lot but it is compared to the 20 steps down the hall I have to go to see her now.
I am just scared.
I am scared, sad, lonely, nervous, you name it.
I love my sister and I am so thankful I had yesterday afternoon to spend with her.
Familial bonds are precious, and something I feel should be cherished.
I feel truly blessed to have her so close to me, and although I know I am being completely self-centered, I just don’t want to give that up.