Lucky To Have My Linds

Yesterday I had a very special afternoon.

A very special afternoon because it was with this lady:

(that is my sister I am attacking, just in case you were wondering 🙂 )

My sister had some Christmas exchanges she needed to do at the mall (the closest semi-decent mall is like 35 minutes away so we had lots of QT in the car) and we decided to make our outing complete with a little lunch date.

We very rarely ever get to spend time alone with one another because our work schedules are pretty opposite, her boyfriend is here, or Ryan is around and it is just not the same when you add boys into the mix.

We are five years apart but have always been close and lately I just have not been as good of a sister as I would like.

There is a lot of awkward tension about our house being sold, for reasons that are far too difficult to explain in a single blog post, but as part of the condensed version, I will tell you was pretty devastated by the fact that Lindsay may not be living with Ryan and I, after we move.

There are a few different components as to why her decision to separate was made, but I have concluded that these are probably the two most significant:

1. She is 19 and has a boyfriend who I believe she wants to move in with.

2. She and Ryan do not always see eye to eye on her lifestyle choices.

You see, Linds did not elect to go to college right after high school and I think that was the best possible choice for her.

She was not ready, still doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do with her life, and I think it would have been a complete waste of money, so for now, her working at a grocery store is just fine with me.

As long as she was working, I was happy and proud of her for doing more than sitting around wallowing in self-pity.

She has applied for other jobs, since her place of employment is pretty stingy with hours and doesn’t want her to be full-time, but it is a tough market out there and a million people are trying to find work.

At least she is trying.

I will admit I get a bit frustrated when I come home, after a long day, and find a sticky macaroni and cheese pan still sitting on the stove, not washed, soaking or even being presently used, and perhaps I had expressed that annoyance to my husband, so a few weeks ago he decided to verbalize it and she overheard, which really hurt her feelings.

I understand both sides of this scenario because I am a pretty sensitive person too, and all I really want in this world is to make people happy and do the right thing.  So because of this instance and some other things here and there, Linds feels like it might be better if she go somewhere other than with us.

I am trying my best to let her forge her own path, and do what she needs/wants to do, but I would be lying if I said I was ok with her decision.

I’m being totally selfish, but I am scared to not have her in a residence with me.

…maybe not so much because I don’t think she could handle it, but because I don’t know if I can.

She has gone through some pretty shitty things these past few years and she always seems to manage, but me, I’m terrified of being without her, and actually, my mom too.

I am the healthiest I have been in a LONG time and I attribute it to my family unit that I currently live with.

Ryan is fantastic and a great support, but on nights when he works or wants to go out with his friends, Lindsay, even just her presence, helps push me to do the right thing, and not isolate, restrict or become re-best friends with my treadmill.

I am also nervous of losing her.

The place she was talking about going is 15 minutes away.

That may not seem like a lot but it is compared to the 20 steps down the hall I have to go to see her now.

I am just scared.

I am scared, sad, lonely, nervous, you name it.

I love my sister and I am so thankful I had yesterday afternoon to spend with her.

Familial bonds are precious, and something I feel should be cherished.

I feel truly blessed to have her so close to me, and although I know I am being completely self-centered, I just don’t want to give that up.


9 thoughts on “Lucky To Have My Linds

  1. oh hunni this is too sweet…you love your sis and it is normal to feel like this.netherless you gotta understand both of you are grown and have lives to pursue.You have a wonderful husband to take care of even though he works alot and don’t refriend that machine because you got so many friends,like me.Whenever you feel stressed don’t hold it in and write it all out here because we are here to support you.Remember you are not alone,God is always there

  2. Like you, family is a HUGE key to my success in recovery because we all know, with an ED, left by yourself, you’ll likely turn to your ED… but if you have loved ones constantly checking on you and pushing you, it makes it so much easier. Even though I’m so much better now, better than I have been in YEARS, and I have more zest and energy to try to tackle a new life situation, I still worry (just like you) if I’ll be able to handle moving someplace for a new job for example or if I’ll just revert back to my ED like before! It’s a scary thought.

    But I think since you’ve been doing so well, you really have to look forward to these changes because they’re GOING to happen sooner or later anyway. Your sister isn’t moving overseas, she’s moving within driving distance. This is a big change for you, I understand, but I think it almost couldn’t have come at a better time really… it would have been much harder if this happened before you started recovery, for example. But you’re realizing your true strengths through recovery and that strong bonds and a support system are not just ones within arm’s length — they’re even right here within the blogging community! 🙂 And it’s up to YOU to beat this ED full on, with an extra nudge from others of course 😉 You should find yourself to be lucky actually that you still have family quite close to you. Maybe you could arrange sleeping over at her place or vice versa on some nights that your husband has to work nights or whatever? Anyway, I know you can handle this! 🙂

    • thanks for the faith in me girl. family and friends have helped! actually blog friends have been amazing. what a great way to stay accountable and i know i have people to reach out to who understand! thanks Jess, for always being so supportive. you have been a wonderful, wonderful, friend to me in my journey 🙂

  3. I have been totally thinking many of the thoughts expressed here by your blog friends. 1: this is happening at the best time it could, ie. as you have a better handle on recovery. 2: it is inevitable that mom will move on and get married, but that does not mean that she loves you any less or is any less committed to spending time with the C.J. That has been so much more enjoyable to be with. 3: Linds needs to work on her own independence- but that does not mean without her connection to her big sister! She will always need your relationship! let her know how much you need her company as well, and make plans for dinners together when Ryan is working, and some sleep overs too. You have the love and support of so many more”framily” than you ever have. Don’t use this as an excuse to go backward, but to move you closer to recovery…..Everything happens for a reason my dear….love you

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