Reality is not my forte.
My version of what is real and what actually is, are two completely different things.
I didn’t mention last week that I was experiencing a lot of edema. And when I say a lot, I did confirm with my medically trained husband that there was A LOT of excess fluid in my legs; like 8 or 9 pounds of fluid from when I first woke up to when I went to bed.
Normally I get swelling in my lower extremities so I am used to a bit of discomfort, but holy shmoly a very visible 8 or 9 pounds caused me to have some mental issues.
It first started on Wednesday evening, after a long day at work and then having my family over for dinner, which meant I was on my feet prepping and baking for another few hours after my normal day was done.
So when I finally sat down around 7:30 my ankles and knees were so puffy I could barely bend them.
Ryan and I just decided I would elevate my legs, and see how things were in the morning.
At 6:00 a.m. the puffiness was there, but not nearly as bad…
Until later that evening when again, my knees looked like an elephant.
This cycle continued for the next few days and I am still experiencing fluid retention especially in my thighs, calves, and knees.
This is VERY uncomfortable physically, but in my mind it is worse.
I keep thinking everyone is staring at my ginormous hippopotamus legs.
I didn’t want to eat at the Christmas Eve Party (I wanted to eat in privacy) because I felt like people were judging me, thinking “look at her with those fat thighs, she does not DESERVE those shrimp.”
My meal plan obviously needs to be lowered since I am gaining nearly 8 pounds a day…that is what the scale says!
HOLD THE PHONE, CJ.
These are my thoughts. This is what went through my head for days and days and days; a tape of incessant negativity, self-hatred and criticism of my body because I felt like I was blowing up like a balloon, and from the physical evidence of my larger than “normal” legs, I was, but I pick and choose my reality.
REALITY: My legs were puffy.
But this did not mean I gained a legitimate 8 pounds on my meal plan, in such a short amount of time.
This did not mean I didn’t DESERVE to eat.
It did not mean that my legs were so large and gigantic that people were looking at me snickering and laughing because I looked like a cow.
But despite these facts, I truly believe that my meal plan is too high and it needs to be reduced, which this weekend translated into me not following it, and then more swelling because my body still does not trust me.
This is what happens; the eating disorder is awesome at taking things that are facts, and twisting them for its benefit.
When a person is malnourished, brain function becomes distorted (any of you experience being obsessive, ritualistic tendencies, hallucinations, etc.) and so any time, opportunity, or instance for bad habits, destructive behaviors and irrational beliefs to creep back in, they will barge right back into your life, full-force and start another cycle of false-reality.
Thankfully I have a good support person to help bring me back to earth temporarily but it’s hard because my mind will automatically revert back to the negative as soon as Ryan leaves, and it is immensely frustrating to him that my neuro-pathways are so stubborn and just can’t seem to change.
24 years of irrationality is hard to un-do.
Don’t you wish there was a delete button in our brains for the unwanted knowledge, we sometimes tend to accumulate?
Nutrition facts, good-bye.