Gratitude And A Fresh Start

Happy Friday! And I am so sorry for the lapse in posts, but between the holiday hustle and bustle and then my internet being down at home, blogging just wasn’t happening. 

Don’t they say you only know how much you appreciate something when you no longer have it??

Well, these past few days have demonstrated how much writing actually does assist me with processing my thoughts and feelings, and how essential that is FOR ME to stay on a healthy path.

It made me come to the conclusion (or just remember the fact since I did already know this!) that you all, who are tremendously supportive, help me be accountable, so thank you, and I hope you all had a fabulous few days.

But anyway, last night my mom came home from Jersey, and I came home from work to boxes, upon boxes, already packed and ready to move.

As of right now, we will no longer live in my home, the residence that I have called home, for nearly 10 years, starting in February (hello, talk about a quick settlement!!)

Fortunately Ryan and I do own our own house that we purchased just before we got married, and currently rent to some very nice people, but eventually we will be returning there to start a new chapter.

We decided to move back into my childhood house for a few reasons; mainly to help my mom as she transitioned to New Jersey, but also because I was still very sick and did not do well alone when Ryan was working crazy long hours or overnight.

By being at my mother’s I was with my 3 dogs, my sister, and in a comfortable environment that I felt safe and secure.  For everyone at the time, it seemed like the best solutions, and I was pretty devastated when I heard we could no longer call it “ours” and would be “downsizing” to the Weaber start-up house.

In the past few days I have started to rethink that mentality, because this could be my sign that it is time to grow-up and move on with my life.

…Get rid of the eating disorder, get a new job, and now sort-of start over with my husband that was gracious enough to live with 2-3 females and 3 tiny little dogs for the past few years.

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I often feel like a child in recovery; unable to really help myself, or determine what is appropriate, and I am frequently told what I can and cannot do, but now, perhaps residing in a place that Ryan and I pay the bills for, decorated, established as OURS, symbolizes that we are truly beginning our lives together, as adult, married, people.

Because of the adolescent-like mentality, there are times I question who I am, what I should do, what I like, etc. and to be very blunt, it was hard for Ryan and I to really stay connected intimately and emotionally when I was stone-cold and frail.

Marriages don’t work as well when it is difficult for either person to touch or be touched, share their feelings, cry, express themselves, and I told Ryan recently that even though I am not fully back to my old-self, and still have a pretty long way to go, I catch myself getting butterflies, or falling in love all over again because I forgot what it was like not to fight or be so tense around one another.

A fresh start could be a good thing, and although I am sad beyond explanation that my world is being turned upside down, I may lose my dogs, living with my sister, seeing my mom as much, perhaps this is God’s way of telling me this is what I need to make more progress with my health and be happy?

The one thing I will keep in mind, and this was told me to by a very wise woman who had recovered, herself, after many many relapses;

Life alterations, especially major ones like financial situations, relationship status, family issues, relocation, etc. are HUGE HUGE HUGE triggers for most people. THIS IS A TIME I NEED TO BE ON HIGH ALERT (or anyone who is trying to maintain their wellness!)

I CANNOT USE THESE THINGS AS AN EXCUSE TO FALL BEHIND.

I am re-writing this for my own sake, I CANNOT BS MY WAY INTO A RELAPSE BECAUSE OF MOVING, A NEW JOB…

It shouldn’t matter where I live. 

I have a roof over my head, a husband and family that love me, a job, and I am not dead.

I am pretty darn lucky, which I haven’t appreciated far enough lately.

It is the time of year for gratitude and I KNOW I wasn’t focusing enough on that, but as I have said many times before, today is a NEW day.

Merry eve before Christmas Eve. 

You all are a blessing 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Gratitude And A Fresh Start

  1. i missed u so much and Im so proud of you.This transition will be something good trust me because our God does everything for a reason and he knows how much you need his guidance.I know you are scared of change thus I can relate to this completely but remember that sometimes being stuck in a rut isnt going to get us anywhere.I truly hope you continue writing such insightful posts because they help me so much.Please email me to give you some updates:)ily

  2. so proud of you girl! its good to sometimes try to see a setback as truly a new opportunity to make things amazing…remember life is what we make it and each day i try to tell myself its going to be a GREAT day even if i just want to stay in bed all day…keep going! YOU are amazing 🙂 miss you xoxo

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