Slippery Slope

I have been reluctant to write lately, because I have been feeling very negative.  And although this is probably the time I need to write most, I fear I could impact you in an unhelpful way, so please, if you are also struggling with something, read with caution, or don’t at all.

You know I appreciate your readership and this community more than words can say, but this is the time of year for joy, and as I mentioned Friday, I’m just not experiencing the holiday cheer.

While we were in Williamsburg, my mom sent me a text saying our house was being shown.

Let me backtrack a bit…

Ryan and I own our own home, but we are currently living at my mom’s.

We bought our townhouse my senior year of college, and when I got really sick last year, and my mom moved to New Jersey, it seemed like the best solution for us to move back into my childhood residency and rent out ours.  This way, since my sister also lives here, I wouldn’t be alone all the time Ryan was working or was on night shift, and we could keep my moms dogs and help her maintain the home.

Anyway, since then, I have been doing pretty well.

I felt better, comfortable and WAY more happy…

And then my mom put her house up for sale, suggesting we get a smaller place all together so it would be more manageable for cleaning purposes, etc.

At first I was ok with it, and kind of happy with potentially having less household responsibilities, but now, that someone has bought the house (YES, not just a showing, it turned into a purchase) I am falling apart.

New job, potential new place to live, growing waistline, all add up to a very unhappy, rather psychotic version of me.

See this is how my world works.  Whenever I feel completely out of control, sad, angry, hurt, insecure, pretty much any emotion you could possibly feel as a human, it translates into,

“omg I hate myself, I need to not continue with eating such an astronomical amount…” aka STOP FOLLOWING MY MEAL PLAN,  or, RAMP UP THE EXERCISE, and even better….DO BOTH!

Yes, this is all that my mind is telling me the last few days.

And the worst part was that last week I had the stomach virus.

I was sent home from work early.  I was pretty sick, and my appetite was not my normal starving, totally fine with eating my prescribed 2500 self.

I did rather well for feeling so yucky, and listened to my body as far as lowering my exercise intensity and still getting proper nutrients, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t happy about my upset tummy causing less of a need for food.

Now that I am no longer sick, and feel pretty mentally crappy because restriction is just so much more difficult now that I am un-used to doing it, I just wanted to be alone with my treadmill.

I can assure you I refrained from that strong desire, not doing any more than I normally do, but my gosh, this is horrific.

I actually told Ryan I wished I was back in the hospital this December because at least then I would have an excuse to eat so much, or at least I could have a mental break.

But now its time for me to acknowledge how ridiculous that remark is, because seriously CJ, you need to get back on track.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so pessimistic. (<—obviously I am talking to myself here…)

I apologize if you have been reading this because I know it couldn’t have been that fun, but I hope it at least demonstrates that there are down points in life/recovery.

It is how we react to them that really counts, and I cannot let this effect me anymore.

With that being said, I will be eating my appropriate snack, and going to bed so tomorrow can be a new, brighter, day.

I hope you all have a fabulous start to the week, and thanks for listening to my little rant.


9 thoughts on “Slippery Slope

  1. Oh, CJ, I hope you know you are not alone – those ED thoughts are horrible, aren’t they? When things go wrong, or even just different, I often get the same way. It feels so “good” to restrict and overexercise again – I feel clean and safe. But I say “good” in quotes, because it’s actually making us WORSE. I often wish I could go to IP for the exact reason you say – it would make me feel not guilty eating the calories. I am perfectly capable of eating my meal plan, and my exercise plan, but feel guilty following it. And I know I shouldn’t – in fact, I should feel guilty if I DON’T follow it. ED is crazy and it is horrible and all it does is take away us living a normal happy life. I tell myself EVERY SINGLE STEP I take doing the non-ED thing takes me toward a happy life. And conversely, every single “Safe” step I take, is making my life that much more miserable.

    Love ya girl

    • gosh you are so sweet to tell me all these things because as much as I am sad that you go through it as well, its nice to know I am not alone. thank you, holly. you are an angel and i wish the best for your recovery as well. we WILL be happy. I love you too ❤

  2. aw hun i actually cried reading this because I can totally relate.Changes are currently taking over my life and things seem to be spiraling out of control.The last thing I need is more changes when already I feel like Im going to explode with the added weight.Im desperate and feel so alone because nobody understands me…everyone believes im fine when in fact mentally I have a long way to go.I will pray fro both of us and hope God helps us get through it with strength.Much love and god bless hun:)

  3. Hugs.
    I’m currently battling so much. My mother (who doesn’t live with me and never sees me) thinks Im progressivey gaining weight; when the truth is that I’ve only gained a bit in the last year (barely anything) and now she cannot help me financially anymore. I”m lost. I get about 1300 dollars a month (for rent + groceries + car insurance + student loan payment + bank loan payment + phone bill) , I’m barely getting by getting food to eat; I marvel at people with furniture in their homes or who buy a book or get a haircut. I can’t afford a thing but the basic necessities.
    and I messed up again this weekend…I binged at night…and restricted the next day (i don’t exercise..but still)…so again i don’t gain…god, i’m screweing up…tommorow MUST be different..but it scares me cause even if i gain only only the bare minimum of 0.5 lb per week from here on out…that still only gives me 10 pounds in the next 5 months…and I need AT LEAST 15 lbs to be “semi normal”…i know you’re BMI is probably lower than mind (I’ m SUPER short) and I’m older than you; I messing up my metabolism and body…screwing my kidneys, etc…
    I do binge on carbs and chocolate…i have overcome the orthorexia…but I still hang onto it for certain things…and I’m sick of i’m in the worst scenario ever cause I have to force gain + not exercise + just eat A LOT and LET myself eat crap too…like i feel i don’t deserve the “crap” food cause i need to gain + not exercise…
    i mean i eat chcolate and nuts and stuff to ridiculous amoutn…this is crazy 😦

    Oh, and your first few lines of this post…yeah, like i really have these thoughts in my head 24-7 and i TRULY feel i need to write them down on a blog and relate to people…BUT I’m insanely negative and i tend to dwell on “woe is me” and so i can’t bring myself to blog cause I worry it would make me focus on it all way too much…so i’m lost on how to process the thoughts (journalling doesn’t work for me)…

    I’m lost. EAT CJ…big bedtime snacks too!

  4. Oh honey, I feel your emotions through and through. I have been feeling the same way this holiday, which happens every year. I understand how change can affect you because having moved around so much in the past 4-5 years it is always lingering in my life! But you have so many strong people there to support you no matter where you live and how you’re feeling. When I was stressed out last week I found that just one session of yoga helped me out so much. It was lots of slow moves but lots of holding the moves and it made me feel more relaxed afterwards! Happy Holidays Beautiful!

  5. Hey there, I def feel ya. When in treatment you are surrounded by everyone who is doing the same as you (i.e. exercise and eating a lot) and its so hard to go to all these parties and not splurge and not feel guilty and start the cycle again.

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