I have been reluctant to write lately, because I have been feeling very negative. And although this is probably the time I need to write most, I fear I could impact you in an unhelpful way, so please, if you are also struggling with something, read with caution, or don’t at all.
You know I appreciate your readership and this community more than words can say, but this is the time of year for joy, and as I mentioned Friday, I’m just not experiencing the holiday cheer.
While we were in Williamsburg, my mom sent me a text saying our house was being shown.
Let me backtrack a bit…
Ryan and I own our own home, but we are currently living at my mom’s.
We bought our townhouse my senior year of college, and when I got really sick last year, and my mom moved to New Jersey, it seemed like the best solution for us to move back into my childhood residency and rent out ours. This way, since my sister also lives here, I wouldn’t be alone all the time Ryan was working or was on night shift, and we could keep my moms dogs and help her maintain the home.
Anyway, since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I felt better, comfortable and WAY more happy…
And then my mom put her house up for sale, suggesting we get a smaller place all together so it would be more manageable for cleaning purposes, etc.
At first I was ok with it, and kind of happy with potentially having less household responsibilities, but now, that someone has bought the house (YES, not just a showing, it turned into a purchase) I am falling apart.
New job, potential new place to live, growing waistline, all add up to a very unhappy, rather psychotic version of me.
See this is how my world works. Whenever I feel completely out of control, sad, angry, hurt, insecure, pretty much any emotion you could possibly feel as a human, it translates into,
“omg I hate myself, I need to not continue with eating such an astronomical amount…” aka STOP FOLLOWING MY MEAL PLAN, or, RAMP UP THE EXERCISE, and even better….DO BOTH!
Yes, this is all that my mind is telling me the last few days.
And the worst part was that last week I had the stomach virus.
I was sent home from work early. I was pretty sick, and my appetite was not my normal starving, totally fine with eating my prescribed 2500 self.
I did rather well for feeling so yucky, and listened to my body as far as lowering my exercise intensity and still getting proper nutrients, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t happy about my upset tummy causing less of a need for food.
Now that I am no longer sick, and feel pretty mentally crappy because restriction is just so much more difficult now that I am un-used to doing it, I just wanted to be alone with my treadmill.
I can assure you I refrained from that strong desire, not doing any more than I normally do, but my gosh, this is horrific.
I actually told Ryan I wished I was back in the hospital this December because at least then I would have an excuse to eat so much, or at least I could have a mental break.
But now its time for me to acknowledge how ridiculous that remark is, because seriously CJ, you need to get back on track.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so pessimistic. (<—obviously I am talking to myself here…)
I apologize if you have been reading this because I know it couldn’t have been that fun, but I hope it at least demonstrates that there are down points in life/recovery.
It is how we react to them that really counts, and I cannot let this effect me anymore.
With that being said, I will be eating my appropriate snack, and going to bed so tomorrow can be a new, brighter, day.
I hope you all have a fabulous start to the week, and thanks for listening to my little rant.