Breathing Makes You Special

I don’t deal well with change, which is probably why when Ryan and I were discussing me taking a new position at the school he was a bit hesitant.

“You will miss the kids…you will be working more at a desk…there wont be as much interaction with people…etc., etc., etc.”

All of these things were valid points and he was absolutely right.

But the hardest thing I am having to adjust to, is the more sedentary nature of the job.

Let me share a little tid bit of my past with you.

I went a whole summer barely sitting down.

Any time I could stand, move, pace, jump, run, avoid a chair, I did.

I stood at work (I was a bartender and/or a pool manager so this one was easy)

I stood at home, creating a standing desk so I could type and get some work done.

I ran pointless errands and created useless tasks around the house just so I could a. stay out of the kitchen and b. not be still.

And I am embarrassed to admit this but even in CLIIP I had another standing desk so when I wasn’t running my children around I could be off my touchy.

One time I read that standing burned more calories and perhaps internalized the words to mean that standing also meant productivity, and that was the way I needed to perform my daily tasks.

In my little eating disordered mind, sitting was lazy and I didn’t want to do it.

So even with aching, edema ridden legs, I would stand and stand and stand coming up with every excuse in the book as to why this was the way I did things.

There is some truth to the fact that with osteopenia in my hips and lower back, sitting for long periods of time can get really really uncomfortable, but standing is the same.

Sometimes I find myself switching positions numerous times an hour just to relieve my body from some of the constant pain I have due to years of abuse.

So with all this in mind, and returning back to the problem I am having with my new job, adjusting to a more sedentary day, where I can be at the computer for hours on end plugging numbers, working with club accounts, writing, reading, and all the other random assignments I do in any given work schedule, is quite difficult for me to handle both physically and mentally.

In CLIIP, between running students to appointments, picking up lunches, principal’s office visits all the way across campus, I could walk up to 5 miles a day (sometimes more!! —I clocked it one time…weird I know), and now I am lucky if I do two walking to and from the bathroom.

This has my mind working in overdrive.

“Why are you hungry?! You are doing anything to deserve the food. All you do is sit around and work on the computer. You are so lazy. You are so unproductive. Loser. Fat. Gross. Etc. Etc. Etc.”

I don’t have time for these thoughts.

I don’t have time to worry about my spreading thighs on the chair because I handle thousands, sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars, a day.

My mind cannot be distracted by stupid, irrational thoughts like the ones listed above, because I have a responsibility to the students, my co-workers and my al mater to make sure I manage every hard earned penny, that it gets spent appropriately, the school schedule runs smoothly, and that all the things I do are done correctly to make their experience fantastic.

This all may sound very ridiculous, and there is a part of me that realizes it is, but it doesn’t mean the mentality isn’t there.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we have these thoughts, process them as best we can, try to reframe, and if we can’t at least try to stop before it turns into a negative action.

Poor body image, destructive thinking; those things are like second nature to me and I shouldn’t expect with a few months of following a meal plan that they will just miraculously disappear.

What I do need to do is sit if my legs are bothering me, stand if I need to, but not because a mean voice in my head is relentless in telling me to do so, and come to terms with the idea that I am being productive and useful regardless of my physical position.

Breathing is productive.

And someone very wise once told me that I am special just because I breathe.

Thanks Uncle Dirt. I always knew I got my intelligence from you 🙂

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11 thoughts on “Breathing Makes You Special

  1. Thank you for sharing this pretty lady! I of course can relate quite well to this to an extent. On Tuesdays and Thursdays during the week for example (during this semester) I am sitting a whole lot more because that is when I have most of my classes. On those days I feel lazy and fat and there are have been times I consider going to the gym after my last class of the day just to get in a bit more cardio. Ughhhhhhh. I have not succumbed to that and probably never will!
    This is a reminder for me that when I need to sit, SIT, and also of course do everything else I need to keep on improving my body.
    Thank you for the reminder ❤

  2. “Why are you hungry?! You are doing anything to deserve the food. All you do is sit around and work on the computer. You are so lazy. You are so unproductive. Loser. Fat. Gross. Etc. Etc. Etc.”

    THIS.

    This is what I think EVERY minute of every day. Why? Because I sit ALL the time and have to gain. Sitting all day + forcing in food (excess) + gaining = physical and mental despair , guilt and torture.

    And unlike you I’m not active at the gym or other pursuits. So this is a constant mind-squash. And I find no one like me (really like me).

    • To reader: That constant complaining, critical, whining voice saying you are lazy, unproductive etc. is not your voice. Distance yourself from it. You can’t necessarily shut it up, but you can recognize that what you want and what it wants are two opposite things.

      You want to be be well. You want to be able to eat normally and not panic. You want your life back. It is the eating disorder that is making you think that gaining is the worst thing to happen to you.

      You deserve nourishment. You deserve health and wellbeing. You deserve every single piece of food you take in (and more, so much more).

      I promise you that if you keep going, you will suddenly discover that the worst thing to have ever happened to you will have been that moment in time when you actually believed that you and an eating disorder were one and the same.

      There many who have travelled, and are travelling, that exact same road as you. And just like them, you will get through this. Best wishes to you.

      • Thank you for your answer! You always seem to put things way more eloquently than I can! And it’s actually what I needed to hear too! Thank you times a million 🙂

      • i’m putting that comment on a sticky note on my laptop, especially the last bit ‘just like them, you will get through this’ this community of bloggers recovering from EDs, disordered eating, and working through the distress that comes along with gaining weight to become healthy again is so incredibly inspiring. thank you ALL so much. you amazin’ ladies have inspired me to seek help and my family is so grateful– i look to you all for inspiration to get through the rough days.

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