Attempting Acceptace

Raise your hand if you are a control freak.

Obviously you can’t see me but my hand is all the way up in the air, waving around like an over-eager first grader who totally knows the answer.

I do not like being, or feeling, out of control.

Who does, right?

But anyway, two days ago I had a nutrition appointment, and my lovely dietician asked what I would like to get out of our session.

Now I am an old hat at meal planning, our half hours are a little non-traditional.

I can recite the caloric content of pretty much any food in the entire universe, and know a rough estimate of what I am eating at any given time. I also know that it takes 3500 calories MORE than what your body “needs” to gain one pound a week, so that stuff, we kind of skip.

I also know am pretty active, but since my metabolism is still relatively suppressed, anywhere between 2400-2700 will cause a .5 lb a week weight gain.

Since I have not really deviated from that plan, why the heck was my weight up one pound?!?!?!?

Before you go thinking I am crazy (although you probably already do) you have to understand that a person, like me, whose mind is very regimented, and needs to have predictability in their days in order to maintain sanity, I was not understanding how this was possible.

There had to be some sort of explanation.

Maybe it was the two pots of tea and two glasses of water I had at lunch?

Maybe I was miscalculating and eating a whole ton more than I thought?

Maybe, maybe, maybe!!!!

I was pleading with my dietician for answers.

“Please, tell my why this happened. I told you I didn’t need all those calories. How could you do this to me! My body is rebelling against me!!!!”

After I finished my frantic inquisition, she asked if I was done.

“CJ, why does there have to be an explanation?…why can’t you just accept that this is what happened this week and maybe next week will be different. Our bodies know what they need and you need to gain the weight anyway.”

Um, excuse me?!

One pound was not in the plan!!!!

Two weeks worth of gain was NOT in my plan!!!

It is too fast and I could not possibly accept that this was happening because scientifically and biologically it just didn’t make sense.

After a few hours of crying because I honestly believed this was God’s way of punishing me, or something ridiculous (please excuse those irrational thoughts) I started to process what my poor nutritional therapist was saying to me.

Sometimes there is no explanation as to why things happen. Sometimes we just need to face that they are happening and learn how to cope in a healthy way.

Gaining a pound is not necessarily a bad thing.

It certainly is not a tragedy of the world, and when Ryan weighed me the very next day, the weight gain was much less “drastic.” <— (perhaps drinking 50 ounces of water half an hour before an appointment is not the best idea.)

But anyway, the point is not about an increase on the scale.

…The point is that I have issues with acceptance, especially when things are beyond my manipulative powers, so this week, instead of challenging myself with a specific food, or eating behavior goal, I am going to work on embracing change and a lack of control.

Life does not run on a schedule.

My body is not, and will not be, the same as a photo-shopped Victoria’s Secret model.

I was blessed with legs that work, a heart that pumps, color-changing eyes, and a few imperfections that make me, me.

As the serenity prayer wisely states;

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I haven’t recited that since I left Focus Center For Recovery nearly a year and a half ago, but maybe today is the day to start that daily ritual again.

It certainly is worth a shot.

Have a fantastic Thursday!

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18 thoughts on “Attempting Acceptace

  1. what a post!i definitely can relate and raise my hand because I love being in control of things and when things dont go according to my way I go crazy.You are certainly not going crazy because if that was the case I would be in a ward right now lol.You are just expressing your ed thoughts and recognizing what you need to work on.I also weighed myself yesterday and apparently I also did gain 2 lbs but you know what lets stop and think…did we even notice we gained these pounds before we saw the number on the scales?probably not,I mean our jeans so fit the same way as last week.I struggle everyday with eating the correct way in order to get better and just letting go and trusting my body.I must say it frightens me but taking the risk is worth it.I admire you and thank you for your honesty.Hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

    • I know the feeling of wanting to have control over everything. I’ve actually gone to therapy since I was in 5th grade due to my issues with accepting change and letting go of control. I personally don’t weigh myself because I don’t want to be worried about my number but I know the feeling you’re going through! I definitely agree with your quotes and to accept the things we can’t change! Keep up the good work 🙂 !!

  2. I got on the scale this week and gained 2 pounds! At first I was like, WTF? and then I remembered that my body is doing exactly what it supposed to be doing. Just keep trusting girl…you’re not alone. Remember, I’m right there with you. 🙂

  3. Hello! I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now. You’re doing really well! Super well done so far! Inspiring stuff.
    I just wanted to say that this exact thing happened to me this week – but way more extreme. I had been gaining .5lb per week for a few weeks now, didn’t change my exercise or diet and gained literally 3lb in a week! Oh how I cried and cried and shouted “why is my body doing this? why does it not work like everyone elses? does this mean I would maintain on 1000kcals a day What is wrong with me?!” – poor dietician. 2 days later, and the weights down 2lb. Must have been the fact that I had a coughy coldy thing so was drinking so much water or something. Maybe I really need some of this acceptance you’re talking about. I freaked out something massive. I really need to pick up these skills. Really relate thought.
    I enjoy your blog. Well done x.

  4. I went through this exact thing when I was gaining, and still now when I go to the doctors every six months for my normal appointment and get weighed. I know now, and have accepted, 8 years into this disease, that my body adjusts itself according to my exercise, seasons, appetite, sickness, etc. It was hard to adjust to at first, but I know that it’s not going to kill me; I’m not going to become any less of a person; people aren’t going to stop being my friend because I put a pound on! It’s crazy how our minds play tricks on us…but we can get through it and feel better!

  5. I’m a control freak, too! It’s really hard to be a control freak and be any Army wife. There are so many unknowns and things out of my control! I know I’d be happier if I accepted things, but that doesn’t make it any easier.*

  6. I think that to have any kind of accuracy you have to weigh yourself in the morning before breakfast or the food/water you ingest during the day causes waaaay too many variables!

  7. I was totally the same way. I thrive on routine. And therefore moving down to Dallas and having a different work schedule each week and not being able to stick to an eating and workout routine drove me CRAZY. But it was also the best thing that ever happened to me! I can relax. Be spontaneous. Change my day around if things get mixed up.

    While liking routine isn’t necessarily bad, Sometimes being FORCED out of your routine is good!

  8. “Life does not run on a schedule.”
    Lady, I plan my meals as soon as I wake up in the morning. Sometimes, I think you have to accept that’s who you are and move on. Think… “Yes, I plan my meals.” And simply, move on. Don’t think of yourself as a bad person for doing so… Don’t freak out that you know the calories in everything (as do I)… As soon as you find yourself counting calories, think “Yeah, I count my calories.” And just accept it. Think of it as an object than a “problem”. If you keep going and think, “I’m failing” “Now I can’t eat this” “Is that enough calories???!!!” Just accept you’re doing it. It’s SO hard… But I think we stress ourselves out because we second guess every little thing. If we aren’t eating too much (to our ED minds, anyway), then we are eating too little. It’s all about acceptance, I think. I’m starting to realize beating myself up over EVERYTHING that happens which is going un-planned is causing this process to go slower.

    And I totally agree with Lauren. As soon as I see my weight gain go up, it’s like a shot. But I take a huge breathe and get a smile on my face… Because I know my body is probably thanking me so much right now. And although I freak out about “what if the weight gain never stops?!” Well, as long as I exercise/can exercise, obviously my body isn’t where it wants to be. Plus, since you are working out while gaining weight, everything is going to be “toned” weight. And in my opinion, that’s more attractive than what I look like right now.

    Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts… I think I can, I think I can… I know I can 😉

  9. I’m struggling. I can’t exercise (physically just can’t anymore) and lately I’ve been binging (I’m talking near 700++ cals past 11 pm at night…chocolate, yogurt tubs, nuts, rice cakes, etc etc…) I’m so ashamed and worried ….I can’t “exercise” it off…and i can’t restrict the next day or it just continues the cycle. The guilt is great.

    Email me anytime if you have any thoughts or stories to share. I feel so sad about this all.

    The commenter above said she can exercise…can gain with it toned…not me…i am such failure…i’m going to gain all wrong and i’m making my ibs 30x worse 😦

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