Raise your hand if you are a control freak.
Obviously you can’t see me but my hand is all the way up in the air, waving around like an over-eager first grader who totally knows the answer.
I do not like being, or feeling, out of control.
Who does, right?
But anyway, two days ago I had a nutrition appointment, and my lovely dietician asked what I would like to get out of our session.
Now I am an old hat at meal planning, our half hours are a little non-traditional.
I can recite the caloric content of pretty much any food in the entire universe, and know a rough estimate of what I am eating at any given time. I also know that it takes 3500 calories MORE than what your body “needs” to gain one pound a week, so that stuff, we kind of skip.
I also know am pretty active, but since my metabolism is still relatively suppressed, anywhere between 2400-2700 will cause a .5 lb a week weight gain.
Since I have not really deviated from that plan, why the heck was my weight up one pound?!?!?!?
Before you go thinking I am crazy (although you probably already do) you have to understand that a person, like me, whose mind is very regimented, and needs to have predictability in their days in order to maintain sanity, I was not understanding how this was possible.
There had to be some sort of explanation.
Maybe it was the two pots of tea and two glasses of water I had at lunch?
Maybe I was miscalculating and eating a whole ton more than I thought?
Maybe, maybe, maybe!!!!
I was pleading with my dietician for answers.
“Please, tell my why this happened. I told you I didn’t need all those calories. How could you do this to me! My body is rebelling against me!!!!”
After I finished my frantic inquisition, she asked if I was done.
“CJ, why does there have to be an explanation?…why can’t you just accept that this is what happened this week and maybe next week will be different. Our bodies know what they need and you need to gain the weight anyway.”
Um, excuse me?!
One pound was not in the plan!!!!
Two weeks worth of gain was NOT in my plan!!!
It is too fast and I could not possibly accept that this was happening because scientifically and biologically it just didn’t make sense.
After a few hours of crying because I honestly believed this was God’s way of punishing me, or something ridiculous (please excuse those irrational thoughts) I started to process what my poor nutritional therapist was saying to me.
Sometimes there is no explanation as to why things happen. Sometimes we just need to face that they are happening and learn how to cope in a healthy way.
Gaining a pound is not necessarily a bad thing.
It certainly is not a tragedy of the world, and when Ryan weighed me the very next day, the weight gain was much less “drastic.” <— (perhaps drinking 50 ounces of water half an hour before an appointment is not the best idea.)
But anyway, the point is not about an increase on the scale.
…The point is that I have issues with acceptance, especially when things are beyond my manipulative powers, so this week, instead of challenging myself with a specific food, or eating behavior goal, I am going to work on embracing change and a lack of control.
Life does not run on a schedule.
My body is not, and will not be, the same as a photo-shopped Victoria’s Secret model.
I was blessed with legs that work, a heart that pumps, color-changing eyes, and a few imperfections that make me, me.
As the serenity prayer wisely states;
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I haven’t recited that since I left Focus Center For Recovery nearly a year and a half ago, but maybe today is the day to start that daily ritual again.
It certainly is worth a shot.
Have a fantastic Thursday!