Twilight = Totally Triggering

Call me a total teeny bopper (does anyone actually use that phrase anymore?!) but my sister, Ryan (he would kill me if he knew I told you he goes too!) and I always used to see the midnight showing of the Twilight movies.

But since I have a job (this is a hint for next weeks reveal of my life-change!) we did not do that this time. Instead we decided to go Friday evening when we were all home from work.

I didn’t really know what to expect considering this was Part I, and obviously it had to set the scene for the next film, but I will tell you, in my opinion, this was BY FAR the worst of all the saga.

I say this for a few reasons….


First of all, not much action occurred, and Ryan just kept saying, “all they are doing is sitting around! Where is all the bad-ass fighting?”

Well the answer is, it is in the next installment, but the worst part for me was Bella’s physique, or lack-thereof, for a good half of the movie.

The “thing” that was developing inside her was growing at an exponential rate. I get that.

It was making her sick. I get that too.

It was sucking a lot of nutrition from her body because it was growing and is part vampire.

Don’t all fetuses tend to take nutrition from their mothers?

I understand all this, but really, did they have to make the girl look like a corpse, with chest bones protruding and super-knobby knees, gaunt cheek bones and pointy elbows?

For someone who is not a total negative body-image freak like myself, perhaps her appearance did not phase you.

You might have been sitting there thinking, “Oh, she looks pretty bad, maybe that’s because she is close to death.”

But Ryan and I sat there, hands over our eyes, trying to ignore the collarbone that was practically poking her in the face, because it was totally provoking.

He explained on our way to the parking lot that his reaction was primarily because he remembers a time where he looked at me and felt I had a similar build to the inappropriately skinny Bella.

At my worst point, when he stayed up at night praying and checking my pulse, just to make sure I was still alive, he felt I looked that way, and seeing it on a big screen, brought back too many painful memories.

I was staring at my finger-nail polish because I was so incredibly uncomfortable and TRIGGERED!

Damnit CJ, I thought you were past this point.

I thought my mind was somewhat fixed, but unfortunately, at first sight of her deteriorating body, my heart and mind were totally conflicted.

A part of me saw Bella’s starved body and thought, “Wow she looks horrible, so frail and pathetic.”

…and then my totally distorted, inappropriate, head replied back, “Don’t you miss that…look how fat you have gotten since that time. I wonder if she actually got to lose all that weight or if it was special effects?…CJ, you couldn’t look like that way again if you tried, you pathetic out of control loser…”

I am not lying.

Those are the things (and many more vulgar statements I will refrain from posting on here!) that ran through my mind the entire second half of the film.

It was so distracting, and so annoying, that I barely paid attention.

I know I hurt Ryan to no end when our follow-up discussion in the car reflected the hinge of jealousy I had for this skeletal girl on screen, but I couldn’t help it.

We worked through a lot trying to reframe my negative self-talk and come home to have a normal dinner, but it was hard!

My body is getting “healthy” and making progress way faster than my thought process.

I have so much to work on, and although I really did not care for this movie, I suppose it showed me some of the places I really need to focus on in my recovery.

ACCEPTANCE, especially of my new body, is definitely on the top of my list.

I would LOVE to hear what you thought of the movie? Any other over the age of 14 Twilight fans out there?!


9 thoughts on “Twilight = Totally Triggering

  1. im not a fan but I saw the movie and oddly i had the same reaction twds bella.unfortunately I havent gotten any better in both my health and thought process.netherless im glad you are getting better.blessings

  2. I haven’t seen the movie, but on the commercials when Bella lifts up her shirt and touches her stomach, I found myself thinking, “I wish my stomach looked like that.” Hold the phone! My stomach is just fine!

    I can definitely see how the movie would be triggering when I had negative thoughts from a commercial!*

  3. I watched the commercials (but won’t see the movie; the thing is too much of a fad to me) and was pretty shocked at her appearance. Although now that you mention it, I wasn’t triggered, just pretty grossed out at her appearance. I’m sure there was more detail in the movie, but the commercials were bad enough. I agree though, it was pretty bad…

  4. I haven’t seen that movie, but I was triggered by Black Swan. When I saw it in the theaters I was still sickly thin and it didn’t trigger me. I was just starting treatment at the time and I had not gained any weight at that point. We rented it when it came out on video and at that point I had gotten back to a healthy weight. I had to turn it off because it was so triggering. I wonder if my mind will ever catch up to my body?

  5. Your thoughts will catch up…I promise! Even though you comments may have been difficult for Ryan to hear….thank God you can voice them and not let them eat away at you (pun intended). Then they are out there so you can work on those distortions. I celebrate the process of your recovery!

  6. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I did read that they did A LOT of makeup and CGI (computer graphics) to get Bella to look that way. I have read the books and they were being true to the story – she DOES look horrible, and it seems she appears exactly how she is described in the book. Her loved ones literally are watching her waste away because she refuses to give up the baby and holds on to hope that she will survive it all.
    I’m sorry it was so triggering and difficult to watch, and that what should have been a fun movie night out became so sad for you. 😦
    I can never fully understand what you all feel and go through on a daily basis, but I do care. I’m not sure if it will help, but I’d like to leave you with this as encouragement if I may?
    I don’t mean to justify the movie for you all, but to offer a point of positive thought. Bella makes the choice to hold on to hope and finds the desire and strength to survive even in the darkest phsycial point of her life.
    I believe all of you have the strength and the power to do that as well. ❤
    Best wishes and God Bless!

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