I used to absolutely dread weekends.
I am not kidding I hated them.
I hated the down time. I hated the lack of structure. I hated that I didn’t feel accomplished because even though there are a thousand things I COULD be doing; such as cleaning the bead board with a toothbrush (sounds fun doesn’t it?!) sometimes I just did not feel like doing it and that made me feel like an unproductive loser.
But now, even though I am still NOT a party girl by any means, weekends are growing on me.
Before, my off days would consists of a 4:00 a.m. wake up because my stomach was literally growling from the lack of nutrition the previous day. That would result in me eating what I thought was way too much and then a ton of guilt, a treadmill session that was never ever good enough, fast enough, long enough, and being so exhausted that I wanted to go back to sleep but my mind was racing too fast for that to even be possible.
I would then grocery shop, which depending on where I went could take an eternity, since I would browse through the aisles gawking at all the food I could not possibly keep in the house for fear of bingeing a losing complete control.
When this was finished and the purchases were put neatly in the appropriate places (I am seriously weird about my refrigerator and pantry) then I would flip through cook books deciding what to make for the upcoming week’s menu of lunches.
I would then clean (attempt to anyway), run countless errands to avoid being in the house, or work on the computer, watching the clock, wishing it would get to my 11:30 lunch time.
Many who have struggled with an eating disorder will tell you, your belly does not dictate you when its time for a meal or a snack, it’s the clock.
After my pre-sun-rise breakfast, my hunger would actually come back around 9 (go figure since that was more than 4 hours after my last meal) but that was just not acceptable. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 11:30 get here faster!!!
That was also around the time when Ryan would wake up and I would make him a special breakfast and asked what he wanted to do for the day. This usually included movies, walks or bike rides outside, board games, shopping, seeing family, etc.
These were the highlights of my day because I wasn’t alone. I desperately wanted to be with other people, hoping to escape my mind for any amount of time, but I certainly did not want to have meals with others. We could do an afternoon visit but dinner plans were out of the question.
Thank gosh it was by now close to 5:00 PM, which I could start preparing dinner. Like an old person I always requested dinner by 6:00. The loud grumbles from my tummy were now becoming pretty hostile so they needed something pronto.
Following dinner would always be some sort of activity with Ryan or my sister so I wouldn’t have an anxiety attack about what I had consumed over the course of the day.
We were big fans of Apples to Apples, Scrabble and Taboo. Don’t those games sound like fabulous Saturday nights? Maybe every once in a while but honestly CJ, you are 24 years old.
And my bed would call my name, following snack around 9:30, where I would pass out from exhaustion, a lack of nutrition and just to obtain mental peace. Ryan would either go out with his friends or lay beside me stroking my hair as my life and body slowly deteriorated before his eyes.
It was a pretty morbid and lonely existence.
Now my weekends are way more fun. Not filled with drinking, partying and complete free for alls yet, but I am being way more social, making an effort to connect with friends, enjoying group exercise rather than solo treadmill sessions, and taking naps more frequently.
They are my time to give my body rest, which it totally deserves. If you are anything like me, I thought sleep was unproductive and tried everything I could to function on minimal night’s slumber. But it catches up and when it does, it is so hard to overcome.
Even though I can’t tell you a super exciting run down of the weekend I am having right now, I will say I went to a movie with Ryan, enjoyed the beautiful weather, ate dinner outside of my kitchen Friday night, ignored my walking machine and opted for Zumba mornings instead, and am meeting up with three fabulous ladies for a lunch and shopping outing following one of our classes this morning.
These activities sound WAY better than wracking my brain to find things to do in order to escape my thoughts, or physically get out of my home (ALONE).
Take the proper step today. Call a friend. Call a family member. Make a plan and stick to it.
Eating disorders are very lonely existences (notice I don’t say lives…). And the more isolated you become, is when you are typically calling out for the most affection.
If you don’t know the right person to start with, write me an e-mail. I will try to be the best support I possibly can be. I know how essential that is, but this is also a tremendous opportunity for you to make some new friends. Step out of the box and venture forward because only you can make that change.
Sunday, funday, right?! 🙂