Weekend Wonderful

I used to absolutely dread weekends.

I am not kidding I hated them.

I hated the down time. I hated the lack of structure. I hated that I didn’t feel accomplished because even though there are a thousand things I COULD be doing; such as cleaning the bead board with a toothbrush (sounds fun doesn’t it?!) sometimes I just did not feel like doing it and that made me feel like an unproductive loser.

But now, even though I am still NOT a party girl by any means, weekends are growing on me.

Before, my off days would consists of a 4:00 a.m. wake up because my stomach was literally growling from the lack of nutrition the previous day. That would result in me eating what I thought was way too much and then a ton of guilt, a treadmill session that was never ever good enough, fast enough, long enough, and being so exhausted that I wanted to go back to sleep but my mind was racing too fast for that to even be possible.

I would then grocery shop, which depending on where I went could take an eternity, since I would browse through the aisles gawking at all the food I could not possibly keep in the house for fear of bingeing a losing complete control.

When this was finished and the purchases were put neatly in the appropriate places (I am seriously weird about my refrigerator and pantry) then I would flip through cook books deciding what to make for the upcoming week’s menu of lunches.

I would then clean (attempt to anyway), run countless errands to avoid being in the house, or work on the computer, watching the clock, wishing it would get to my 11:30 lunch time.

Many who have struggled with an eating disorder will tell you, your belly does not dictate you when its time for a meal or a snack, it’s the clock.

After my pre-sun-rise breakfast, my hunger would actually come back around 9 (go figure since that was more than 4 hours after my last meal) but that was just not acceptable. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 11:30 get here faster!!!

That was also around the time when Ryan would wake up and I would make him a special breakfast and asked what he wanted to do for the day. This usually included movies, walks or bike rides outside, board games, shopping, seeing family, etc.

These were the highlights of my day because I wasn’t alone. I desperately wanted to be with other people, hoping to escape my mind for any amount of time, but I certainly did not want to have meals with others. We could do an afternoon visit but dinner plans were out of the question.

Thank gosh it was by now close to 5:00 PM, which I could start preparing dinner. Like an old person I always requested dinner by 6:00. The loud grumbles from my tummy were now becoming pretty hostile so they needed something pronto.

Following dinner would always be some sort of activity with Ryan or my sister so I wouldn’t have an anxiety attack about what I had consumed over the course of the day.

We were big fans of Apples to Apples, Scrabble and Taboo. Don’t those games sound like fabulous Saturday nights? Maybe every once in a while but honestly CJ, you are 24 years old.

And my bed would call my name, following snack around 9:30, where I would pass out from exhaustion, a lack of nutrition and just to obtain mental peace. Ryan would either go out with his friends or lay beside me stroking my hair as my life and body slowly deteriorated before his eyes.

It was a pretty morbid and lonely existence.

Now my weekends are way more fun. Not filled with drinking, partying and complete free for alls yet, but I am being way more social, making an effort to connect with friends, enjoying group exercise rather than solo treadmill sessions, and taking naps more frequently.

They are my time to give my body rest, which it totally deserves. If you are anything like me, I thought sleep was unproductive and tried everything I could to function on minimal night’s slumber.  But it catches up and when it does, it is so hard to overcome.

Even though I can’t tell you a super exciting run down of the weekend I am having right now, I will say I went to a movie with Ryan, enjoyed the beautiful weather, ate dinner outside of my kitchen Friday night, ignored my walking machine and opted for Zumba mornings instead, and am meeting up with three fabulous ladies for a lunch and shopping outing following one of our classes this morning.

These activities sound WAY better than wracking my brain to find things to do in order to escape my thoughts, or physically get out of my home (ALONE).

Take the proper step today. Call a friend. Call a family member. Make a plan and stick to it.

Eating disorders are very lonely existences (notice I don’t say lives…). And the more isolated you become, is when you are typically calling out for the most affection.

If you don’t know the right person to start with, write me an e-mail. I will try to be the best support I possibly can be. I know how essential that is, but this is also a tremendous opportunity for you to make some new friends. Step out of the box and venture forward because only you can make that change.

Sunday, funday, right?! 🙂


12 thoughts on “Weekend Wonderful

  1. Guess who has a pint of pumpkin frozen yogurt in her freezer?! Getting there, getting thereeee. I’m just hoping I don’t binge. Haha. I had a couple scoops last night. Just until I was satisfied. Then later, I had my yogurt/protein powder frozen yogurt and didn’t feel I was depriving myself with the pint of ice cream staring at me because I allowed myself a couple of scoops. And I’m alive today. I definitely hit over 2,000 cals yesterday. I felt kinda gross but not exactly. I just hope I don’t restrict today, because that seems to happen. It’s like an up and down cycle. Eek!

    I’m glad you had an awesome weekend! Although I spend mine alone, I’ve been going out to get breakfast/lunch/dinner and ordering things I haven’t had in years. I’m actually eating samples (the horror) of things in grocery stores, Eventually I think I will venture out with people but for right now, I have to work on listening to my body/hunger. Although I get upset after I feel full, I don’t want to be experiencing that with someone with me who will end up thinking I’m a nut job haha.

    Enjoy Sunday Funday!
    PS. Maybe next weekend we can meet up? Let me know!!

    • I have hit 2000 as well. But I’m incredibly ashamed because I can’t stop binging. Last night I began my snack with a bowl of strawberries and a yogur/protein powder concoction. Then I got the rice crackers and almond butter. Then I found the milk chodolate cadbury bar in the drawer, etc. And I kept going and going. I’m not sure how to stop my madness.
      The guilt is double because I don’t subsequently exercise to at least make it better.

      I don’t want to restrict and start the cycle again. I just want to gain…but…

      When I read that article from the link you recently gave, CJ, it suggested that all of this will undoubtedly happen if you don’t go over the 2500 mark. That you need to “go big”. But its terribly hard for me to accept that now. I’ve went much much much higher than that (higher than 3000) when I was younger and underweight . But this time seems different.
      I guess I don’t understand how so many young girls still stay at very low numbers, dont binge, exercise awesomely, and gain a bit , and settle into normalcy again.

      Sorry for this insanely absurd comment. I suppose the sheer confusion and frustration of it all can become overwhelming.

      • Everyone’s recovery is different. Do you spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others? Maybe your body is telling you you need the food. you have been abusing your body for a lot longer than these young girls. Do you ever just listen and trust the process? I know thats easier said than done but maybe if you tried to stop comparing it would help?

  2. Does any reader know in round numbers the value of the calories the you get rid of in an average zumba exercise period , say 5 mins. I am attempting to create a diet centred on Zumba

  3. CJ, thanks for the post. I just had a major melt down with my mom and am thinking about sharing this with her to give her some insight as to how my mind is working right now, but I don’t know yet. After pretty much every sentance, I just said “Exactly”. Thank you for also including your insightful responses to these thoughts and behaviors. Your responses seem to give me a sense of hope and thoughts that I can achieve greater things.

  4. I love this 🙂 It is so true that when we listen to our ED, we try to avoid social situations and that coupled with constantly being hungry and weak equals SUCH a morbid, sad existence… I too am enjoying going out more often like you and not restricting myself to just treadmill exercises because there’s so many other wonderful ways to get some healthy activity in! And it’s nice to spend time with people you care about and who love you just as much (if not more)!

    And P.S. Napping is pretty much the best thing ever, lol.

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