I need to interupt my regularly scheduled programming…
In other words, Part II of yesterday’s post, will come later this week. I had to get this off my chest because it has been bothering me immensley since yesterday morning.
Although I have many things to celebrate in my recovery, and milestones I am proud of, one thing I am NOT doing well is staying present, especially in the realm of food.
In fact, I am doing pretty darn terrible with this.
Let me explain….
In theory I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time. I mean, compared to other weekends I have some major plans…
Friday I am going to a Stella and Dot party with some of the coolest ladies I know from my Zumba class and Saturday morning I am attending a blogger-brunch at the famous Hershey Pantry with another group of females who I find incredibly inspiring, and absolutely amazing bl-ends.
These things do SOUND fantastic.
But there is a major portion of my mind that is PANICKING to the max (and that might be an understatement!)
The major reason for this insane anxiety is FOOD and a schedule change.
First of all, the get-together on Friday only starts at 7:00 P.M. Call me a complete grandma but if I described the past hmm, hundred or so Friday nights, with a few exceptions I was in some yoga pants plopped down on my couch, exhausted at that point of the evening. Seriously, snack time is around 8:30 and my bed calls my name usually no later than 9:30 so thinking of just starting my night at 7:00 invokes unease.
I’m not super worried about party-munchies because I know I will have dinner beforehand (another grandma-like trait of mine is that I am typically starving for dinner around 5) but the next morning…brunch is nearly giving me a heart attack.
I have never actually been to the Hershey Pantry because every time I have even attempted, the line to get a table was literally out the door (maybe that should tell me something about the quality of meal?) But I have heard rave reviews about their baked oatmeal.
You all know that breakfast is my all time favoritest meal ever, so you would think I would be thrilled to be having brunch at such a well-liked, morning hot spot, and that I would be damn near salivating to try this delectably described pot of oats.
Nope. I am dreading it, and have been since Monday when my very dear friend, Lauren, who has been wonderfully supportive, challenged me to trying the aforementioned baked dish.
YESTERDAY. I have been thinking about this bowl of oats since YESTERDAY. That means it has more than 24 hours of me agonizing over probably a little more than cup of something that thousands of people have consumed in the past.
I can tell you what my disordered portion of my mind keeps telling me, even though I know you all will combat me saying this is totally irrational…
1. It is brunch! I don’t usually have brunch because I wake up and crave a huge breakfast, especially on weekends! And you have to understand, my wake up time is NO LATER than 6 a.m. It used to be 5, but I was thanking the Lord last weekend that I was able to sleep in for an extra hour, but regardless I get up and am ready for food! My stomach would not possibly let me wait until 10:30 to eat, meaning I will devour my typical weekend ginormo breakfast and then have to face a very challenging second meal in PUBLIC.
2. So it’s not only about the actual food item and schedule glitch but also because I am eating at a restaurant, with some people I have never met. Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled to be hanging out with some of my fellow central PA bl-ends, but I have this ridiculous fear that everyone is watching me when I eat. That they are judging my every move, decision and food I put into my mouth. I truly believe they are thinking,
“Do you see what that girl is eating? Oh my gosh how could she eat so much! Her body doesn’t need that much food. Her body doesn’t DESERVE that much food!”
I can honestly tell you this is what has been running through my mind ever since I got Lauren’s challenge a few days ago, and it has prevented me from enjoying or TRULY participating in things I needed to focus on.
My recovery is pretty much stagnant in these areas; especially social eating and schedule change, and I seriously need to fix it, pronto.
I seem to be doing better when I am on outings with Ryan, or when it is just the two of us trying something new like a late night movie theater date, but I cannot seem to kick my panic modes with other people.
I guess practice is the only thing that will help me get over this, but my goodness, I am uncomfortable. As my therapist used to tell me, if I wasn’t a “10” on the recovery discomfort scale, at least once a day, then I wasn’t working hard enough, and perhaps I have not been evaluating myself properly because this feels like a 6348736.
Sounds like its time for a little PTG to bring me back to earth and a major reframe so I can actually attempt to enjoy the festivities of the weekend. Instead of dreading things I am clearly lucky to be invited to be a part of, I definitely need to appreciate that I am finally making friends, and have the potential to grow as a person.
Easier said than done.