I am so bored with my wardrobe. I am too embarrassed to photograph my actual closet because sometimes things tend to get a bit out-of-order (or a lot out-of-order when its laundry day!) but I have a pretty generous walk-in space packed full of clothing.
I used to love fashion. In high school I thrived on putting together fun colors, trendy pieces paired with classic vintage apparel and actually the only superlative I won my senior year was best dressed.
Unfortunately, as my eating disorder worsened, I drowned myself in bulky black sweaters, just because I wanted to hide. I didn’t want anyone to see me trying to escape all the feelings and control issues I was trying to mask but destroying my body.
Now that I am building some confidence, and putting together the remnants of my old life, I am again trying to salvage my old capabilities of constructing nice ensembles. It isn’t so easy, however, when my bottoms make me look like I am a toddler trying to fit into her mommy’s clothing.
The bad thing about recovery and anorexic weight gain is that it predominately settles in your mid-section. I have written about this before and its pretty common knowledge that biologically your body decides, since you have starved it before, that it needs to store up all the extra nutrients in the most essential place possible; around your vital organs. Eventually it will redistribute but it can take six months to a year to move to all the right places, which can feel like a SERIOSULY LONG time.
It seems silly to purchase a whole bunch of new pants and skirts to fit right now, when my body still has a way to go, so I am trying to work as best I can with what I have. It’s quite a challenge but I’ve managed to wear a few fun outfits in the last few weeks that have warranted some compliments and made me feel pretty darn snazzy.
But this post is not about my old talent of being a fashionista (HA, that’s definitely an OVER statement) but more so about the inspiration I found yesterday while strolling through the mall.
I decided to have a little shopping venture to try on the new sneaks I plan on buying, when I passed H&M. This is not a store I typically shop, but the window display had some very cute, school appropriate, sweaters so I decided to take a look.
I was pretty impressed with the selection, and most definitely with the prices, but as I walked around the store, hands filled with winter-wear, I never even considered that the clothes would not fit. But then, as I tried on item by item, with nothing looking even remotely close to how it should, I just decided to give up.
What was the point of shopping for clothes right now?
There really isn’t one, because there aren’t many things that accommodate my shape.
Now I understand all women have different bodies, meaning not everything is going to look picture perfect, or the same on every person, but I can honestly tell you, I am excited to open and expand my wardrobe choices.
You may be reading thinking “Wow, this is pretty silly motivation to get healthy.”
And to some people it probably is, but for a long time, I found a portion of my identity through clothing.
Creating a style helped me show people who I was, and that translated to when I was at the lowest point in my eating disorder; Hello, black is not the most inviting color! But wearing a flashy pink blazer with a sparkly tank underneath, now that can easily brighten a day!
So for now, I am continuing my mission toward health, but also toward a beautiful new dress I was eyeing up at the Express, along with a ton of clothing I used to love just sitting idly on my shelves.
Shopping sounds like a pretty good incentive to me!
Where did you find motivation this weekend?
Do you find it helpful to seek inspiration in little things, or one big goal?