Help From A Friend

This weekend was just what the doctor ordered.

Literally, I mean that.

See I have to be honest.

Ever since my appointment this week, and the lack of numerical progress, I have been struggling a bit.

I haven’t been restricting, or intending to restrict by any means, but a few things happened that now looking back I am not proud of.

1. When the nutritionist told me my weight did not go up, I thought, “Ok, then I should count my calories to ensure that I am meeting my meal plan.”

This turned into me obsessing a bit, and perhaps some overestimation. I am not one hundred percent sure if I met my plan every day, because, as Ryan pointed out, sometimes my perception of portions is a bit off.

I’ll give you an example….

Have you ever purchased a bag of salad? You know, like the Dole Spring Mix or something like that. Well I eat about half a bag every time I make myself some greens and I counted that as 30 calories. Look at the back. Most of those bags, when consumed in their entirety have 30-40 calories TOTAL; meaning I am probably eating 15-20. This may not seem like a big difference, and essentially it isn’t. BUT what if I did that with everything I ate?

Meat? Oh sure, that is four ounces…Ryan interjects its more like 2 oz. Well that’s a relatively big difference, and in the weight gain world, every nutrient counts, so by my overestimation of what I am getting, means a lack of weekly progress.

2. I read something online that completely impacted my nighttime snack decision….and other food decisions for the remainder of the week…

I read a review of one of my favorite favorite favorite snacks, and in the comment section was a person who stated that she weighed out the individually wrapped item, and that the weight was not the same as what the package said, making the caloric count off by 50-100 calories.

Well guess who has not had one of those items since she read this comment? ME!. And whats more pathetic is that I e-mailed the company questioning the information further. No response yet, but honestly I wish I could take back my inquisition. It shouldn’t matter.

What should matter is that I like the product and I was never stuffed to the gills after eating is, so maybe my body needed the nourishment.

Truth be told, I am embarrassed even telling you guys I am so influenced by what someone wrote. Please don’t judge. I’m working through it.

3. I exercised twice in one day.

I was so bored one night I decided to go to a local zumba class.

Ryan worked extra this week so he wasn’t often home, and then left for the weekend with his friends, so most night I watched movies, cleaned, surfed the internet, did a bit of work, pretty much anything I could to distract my racing mind from wandering into destructive territory.

Thursday night I couldn’t take it anymore and needed human connection. I can tell you that with all my heart I did not go for the caloric burn, because I was more excited to see people, especially an old friend from college who told me about the class, dance, and do something other than sit in my living room, than the actual workout, but I didn’t eat extra that day and I needed to.

It wouldn’t have taken much effort, but when I got home after 8:00 P.M., I prepped my stuff for work the next day, wrapped up some brownies I made for the kids, had my normal snack and went to bed. I should have added to my snack…but saying this now, doesn’t make up for my deficiency then.

So all of these things coupled together, add up to not so good for recovery. L

But that’s ok. Like I said the other day, I can turn it around, but I need to do so quickly.

Way easier said than done.

When you get in a pattern, especially a pattern of bad behavior or destructive decision-making, its super hard to get back on the wagon.

Enter my amazing friend Lauren.

She and I spent a really fun afternoon together on Saturday, lunching at Chipotle, attending the Gourmet Food Show in York, and getting some delicious freshly-baked sweet potato bread.

But more importantly we talked.

She and I are very similar and have so much in common it’s not even funny, which is why through the course of our time together we said on numerous occasions,

“Sometimes God brings people into your life, at certain times, for a reason.”

What do I mean?

Well, Lauren and I met this summer at the Healthy Living Summit, and I was instantly drawn to her warm smile and kind heart. When we started talking, I felt like we had been friends forever.

Saturday was the first time I had seen her since and she helped me realize the areas I really, really, really need to work on in the upcoming weeks.

She is also helped me confirm that I can have friends and deserve to do social things regardless of my current condition.

I have put on weight, for sure, but haven’t yet met my goal. Sometimes my disordered mind will tell me not to go in public because I don’t want people to comment on my progress or transitional body. But that’s stupid because in a few months my body will be different, BETTER, than it was a few months ago. Plus, no one really cares what I look like, and if they do it is out of concern rather than “Ew, I don’t want to associate with her because she has rolls on her stomach.”

Get a grip CJ, the world does not revolve around your number on the scale.

So by spending a few hours with a friend who I consider to be a great inspiration to me, I learned I need to focus on…

1. Eliminating diet foods from my menu plan.

I have been trying this and doing an ok job, but honestly there is major room for improvement. Light whole wheat bread (aka air in a bag) should no longer be in my grocery cart. Hello Great Harvest, you will be seeing me again on a weekly basis!

2. Creating more balanced meals.

I have major snack attacks. I mean, I don’t put together meals well at all. I start, but it usually ends up being a veggie-packed or salad based lunch and dinner and then I go for more snack-type foods afterward because I am not satisfied. I do this because I am scared of big meals…thinking I will still want more regardless of what’s put in front of me, but that is something I truly need to get over. Snacks are awesome, but my body needs food….whole foods.

3. Strength train more than cardio.

Last year and before I was the cardio queen. Seven miles, no problem! But as me to lift for half an hour, forget it. Now that I am at the point where I want to gain weight, I want to put on healthy mass! Some sexy muscle tonage and that only happens through strength training. Those free weights collecting dust in the corner, need to be utilized more often.

There are a whole list of other things I intend on tackling throughout my journey but these are three good places to start.

Sometimes you need someone to give you a push, or remind you of where you are in your process in order to move forward. I kind of alluded I was in need of that this week, but since its Sunday I should have no excuses. A fresh start to the week and a new beginning.

Goals and baby steps. That is the only way to go to the finish line.

What are your goals for the week? Do you have a plan to get there?


9 thoughts on “Help From A Friend

  1. CJ, I was honestly thinking the exact same thing about you. You gave me so much inspiration!! Last night, I came out and did something I have been so scared to do for years…I verbally announced to Toly that I’m quitting running (for now). And you know what, because of you, I plan to keep that promise to myself. Starting tomorrow, walking will be my new daily cardio. 🙂

  2. Hi girl. I love it that you are so honest. You actually see the things that go wrong and you search for solutions. I love that.
    Hope you will manage to do this changes but I’m sure you can!

  3. Once, again, CJ, you wrote a post that had me keep double-checking that I did not write it myself!!! Our ED is so tricky and sneaky and SMART – once we’ve conquered one fear or obstacle, it brings these thoughts into our heads to cause us to slip again. I am so glad you can recognize those thoughts. I too, am working on the same issues, and my number one goal right now is the ‘no diet foods.” I’m finding it so hard, but SO helpful in becoming a more ‘normal’ eater – no more 35 calorie bread or puffed wheat cereal. Keep on truckin’ and keep on posting -we are all here to support you and let you know you are not alone!!

    • hahahah puffed wheat cereal! im so glad you mentioned that because i serioulsy convinced myself that stuff tasted good! year right it needed like a gallon of fake sugar and vanilla almond milk to even taste like anything. kashi go lean crunch. yummy 🙂
      im here for you girl. if you need support just let me know!!

  4. wow amazing post!! I love having a support system and literally it not only holds you accountable but also makes you realize you’re not alone in this process! This was soo helpful! I love the goals and those are things I need to start adding to my list of goals too! xoxo

  5. This is a great post, CJ. You are giving me so much insight into ED, it’s so very interesting and I am finding that, while I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I do have several disordered ways of eating that I have identified by reading your journey. I’m so inspired by you, you are awesome!

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