My sister came home with a baby. Not her baby obviously since she has nearly two more trimesters until my niece or nephew is born, but she and her boyfriend were babysitting for another teen mom, this evening and the situation finally hit home. In about 6 months, our house will have a new addition, and I have no freakin clue what I am doing.
I’m almost thankful they chose to baby-sit on a weekend, because his seems like it could be good practice. When the baby comes activities wont be determined by a work week, but instead the fact that she has a 24/7 job as being a mom. Also, Linds is the youngest in my family so other than little cousins or a few odd jobs here or there, I have never seen her with an infant for more than an hour of playtime.
I have to give her credit, she has a phenomenal motherly nature, something I was not blessed with at all, but when she came downstairs to fix a bottle, she seemed so frustrated that the baby would not stop crying.
Call me crazy, because I don’t have kids of my own, but isn’t that what babies do?!
“Yes, CJ, that is what they do! But I don’t know why he crying!!!”
Do you ever know why your child is crying? I have three dogs and when they are doing their little whiny yip, but aren’t dancing around an empty bowl, or standing directly in front of the back door, I have no idea why they are distraught. I am not a mind reader, and neither is she, so how can she expect her own child will be any easier than this one. And this one, she gets to give back in 2 hours.
It makes me very nervous because I feel helpless. I know I can teach her a great many things, but being a mom is not one of them.
I have received glares, anger, resentment, and lots of inquisition, when people ask when Ryan and I plan on having children and I tell them, we really aren’t. I was not the girl who played with baby dolls and fantasized about being a mom. We live completely hectic lives, with individual interests, dreams, and in all honesty are pretty selfish. I hate to admit that, and although I think Ryan would make a fantastic father, we just don’t seem to be all that excited about having babies.
I can speak for myself when I explain why I feel and have felt this way for many years…
I am scared.
I look at my life, right now, which is obviously not the most ideal mental or physical state, and think, if I cannot take care of myself, how could I ever take care of a child I was responsible for on a full-time basis; essentially being in charge of molding the poor thing’s existence into something positive.
I don’t believe I could. I would be too hard on the kid, having ridiculous expectations and creating stress for an innocent child that just wouldn’t be fair.
I would worry everyday that I was screwing up my baby’s life in some way or another and I would HATE if that were the case.
Not to mention, the likelihood of me still being able to have kids is pretty slim…
There are always miracles that occur, and there is no guarantee that I am not fertile, but many doctors have told me that they wouldn’t be surprised if having children was super difficult.
This may sound sort of similar to when I told you about how I push people away before they choose to leave, but it would be easier for me to handle if I elected not to get pregnant, rather than having biology turn me down.
That sounds pretty sad now that I type it out, but I am trying to be honest.
I also worry about neglect. I know I am selfish, but am I overly selfish to the point where I couldn’t properly take care of a child? Probably. Having an eating disorder has made me think I am a seriously bad person, who has no consideration for anyone but herself. And in many instances this is true.
A baby’s schedule would not coincide with mine. And having another person to take care of all the time would prevent us from traveling, and engaging in our every day interests.
Gosh I sound horrible, but after seeing Linds with someone else’s child, I am now scared that I will stink at being an aunt. I had no idea how to help her make this crying baby stop, or to tell her what to do with a container or formula that in my mind looked like protein powder.
So of course I Googled some things, and found some books I will be checking out at the library to learn at least what I can do to make Lindsay and Tyler have an easier transition into parenthood. And I will certainly try my best, but being a mom looks really hard! Seeing all the things they had to do, lug around, and give up, just for one afternoon, made me appreciate my mother, who at 21 gave up her youth to have me.
For all you mothers out there I admire you. You have it tough, and I’m sure some days it can be a thankless job (hello, remember when you were a teenager and a complete nightmare to your mother?!) Perhaps we should consider creating more than one holiday to celebrate all you do, because diaper changing does not look pleasant.