Yesterday morning was obviously not the ideal way to start an anniversary, and we didn’t spend the evening fawning over each other at the table of some nice restaurant either. We actually spent it in counseling, which, when we told our therapist the significance of the date she looked at us and asked “what the hell are you doing here!?”
Good question, but I was thankful we had an appointment at that time because we needed it. It was actually one of the hardest sessions we have ever had together, and I feel like I have so much I want to write about that I/we learned, but my mind is still processing the depth of our discussion and the million things we covered in one short hour.
I do want to address some things from yesterday that are/were bothering me, and before I do so I want to stress that these are completely my opinions, emotions, ideas, and it’s ok if you disagree. In fact, I encourage it, because without having some devil’s advocates I would probably still be very stuck (or I guess even more stuck?) in destructive habits than I am right now.
So I will try to organize my thoughts the best I can, but like I said I am still pretty mind-jumbled from a really difficult, but productive session.
Many of you had suggested I get rid of my treadmill, sell it, put it in storage, or other things of that nature, and you all have valid points in regards to me having a past problem with exercise and using it as a calorie burning mechanism rather than for health and in moderation. BUT at this current time (even though I am still a bit TOO regimented) I am not using it to negate the food I eat.
I have accepted the fact that I need to gain and that means eating more than my body “needs” per day, including physical activity.
Exercise to me at this point helps me feel strong, because I do see some muscle coming back into my body. It also means one hour of my mind just shutting the *uck up (excuse my language), when all I do during the day is think how can I help my sister when I know nothing about motherhood or babies, how can I make a better connection with my dad when he is so busy at work, how can I find a job that makes more money so Ryan can go back to school next year with fewer worries, how can I make my mom proud of me again, and how do I fix everything I have messed up in the last few years…
These thoughts just go on, and on, and on and I don’t know how to turn them off, but for one hour in the morning I put on my headphones, turn on the news, and am immersed in the stories of the world, the beats of David Guetta and get to escape the hamster wheel of my brain.
It brings me peace, and is it right? No. We discussed last night in our session that I need to find other ways to find inner quiet, but so far I have learned, for me, that stillness can only come when my mind, and body are engaged, typically meaning a physical activity.
I have a lot of work to do in this area, and I plan on continuing that work, but right now, the answer is not to sell my treadmill, but instead perhaps try to change the patterns.
Rather than always having to wake up before the roosters and complete my entire routine before work, I can try doing a shorter time, perhaps exercise at night, which has always been a no-no in my book because I never felt like I could be as “intense,” or try something completely different from a stationary machine.
Many of you can rest assured that jogging was taken completely off the table, since I know that was a point of concern, but we did “compromise” on continuing with my walks, and for now, I am ok with that. I am not happy about it, as you can imagine, but I am thankful for the opportunity to move, and I suppose I will try to stay positive rather than dwelling on something I can’t control.
I think I was so bothered by the situation yesterday, my argument with Ryan, feeling ganged up in counseling, and honestly even by some comments on a relatively controversial post, for many reasons.
I know none of you had an intention of hurting my feelings, nor did Ryan or our therapist, but all I kept thinking was:
“Oh my gosh I am letting everyone down!”
“I am a huge disappointment and failure!”
“I am not making any progress at all and recovery is going terribly!!!”
But these things aren’t true! It is just my own personal, past experiences manifesting now that I am no longer numbing my feelings.
I have a HUGE fear of being substandard. Many of you can understand the “people-pleasing” mentality that often results in an eating disorder or other addictions, because we put immense pressure on ourselves to be perfect, and help make the lives of others easier. But that is not realistic!!! Despite what I may have thought before, I am not, and cannot be perfect! It’s impossible and there is no real definition for perfection so how could I ever live up to such an idea? Well I couldn’t and that is why I was/am constantly feeling like an inadequate human-being.
But I am not inadequate, just as I have not failed any of you. I have made major strides in my recovery, even in the last few months, as I am no longer scared of certain foods, I am much more “comfortable” expressing my emotions and needs through mechanisms other than self-harm, and I am accepting the consequences of my health and trying to amend the problems.
There are plenty of things I have done that are the complete opposite of failure and I cannot let one day make me feel otherwise, because then I would be once again trapped in the cycle of striving for flawlessness, which is simply unobtainable.
As I said the other day, recovery is messy, confusing, disorganized, ugly, and pretty much sucks most of the time.
Yesterday sucked. I felt like I was being scolded as a child, and being told what I could and could not do by my husband, which seriously aggravated me and made me feel inferior. I was feeling like a horrible person because I was expressing the truth through writing and it seemed like I let down anyone who was nice enough to take the time and read through my morning struggle, and I had a lot of conflicting emotions toward myself because I never know what the right thing to do is since there are so many different pulls within my mind that tend to cloud any accurate perception of right, wrong, healthy, or sick.
This post was completely discombobulated, and I actually had an entry all ready to publish for today, but it seemed appropriate to go with my heart, and articulate as best I could, my reactions to yesterday and last evening. So I apologize if it was difficult to follow, but I hope at least some of you could relate.
Thank you again for reading, always being supportive, and helping me through this rough patch in my journey. Seriously, the blog world is fantastic and I couldn’t ask for better bl-ends!
I hope you all have a terrific Tuesday!!!