It has occurred to me that I don’t share the ugly side of recovery with you all, as often as I should. After multiple years of dealing with this, I am really good as distracting myself from the s*it that comes up in my life that invokes negative self-talk, a desire to act on eating disorder behaviors, or any other form of unhealthiness that is absolutely horrific and unpleasant to discuss. But I shouldn’t hide, or prevent you all from seeing the mental and emotional struggles that comes with being sick, and going through a process of recovery, because it’s not authentic and anyone who is or has dealt with this knows that.
I first started journaling electronically about a year ago, but never shared my entries with anyone. In fact I deleted most of them because I was ashamed to see what I had written…it was incoherent, mean, unorganized and had a lot of swear words that are totally inappropriate for an online forum. But it was me, and still is on more occasions than I would like to admit. And although I am happy to report I am in a much better place than I was then, there are still frequent occurrences when I want to quit doing the right thing, cry or sometimes punch a hole in the wall I’m so frustrated.
Overcoming anorexia is a bitch. It is disheveled because you often don’t know what is going on your mind since there are two people there in a constant battle; the healthy voice, and the ED devil. It is nasty and mean because most of the time the stuff you are thinking is negative and cruel toward yourself and sometimes even others because they are interfering with you acting on your disease. And it is freaking exhausting because it’s thinking of food, exercise, feelings, body image, and attempting a lifestyle of wellness pretty much 24/7.
Even when you are in a more positive frame of mind you have to think about food, and physical activity because you need to make sure you are having enough, or not doing too much; your body is constantly changing and clothing fits differently so you are dealing with the reality that you are becoming healthy and looking more like a woman. It’s disappointing because I thought by healing I would get to escape the incessant obsessive thoughts, but just like when I was in my disorder, these things are all-consuming.
I feel bad for my family because they are living with a bipolar monster sometimes. It frustrates Ryan to no end because one minute I can be totally happy, excited and seeming like the old me, and then five minutes later I’m being a complete witch because my snack spoon is in the dishwasher and I needed it right then to eat my yogurt. Where did this psycho come from?!
I’m also very needy, constantly asking for reassurance, but there isn’t a right answer anyone could give me.
“Hunni, did I do well enough with dinner that we can take a bike ride tonight?”
Well if the poor man says yes, I did well with dinner, it means I ate too much, but if he said no it means I failed and can’t do anything right.
Or I’ll ask open-ended questions about my appearance which Ryan just chooses not to answer at all anymore because he knows the backlash that can occur from any answer, regardless of how perfect the answer may be.
“Can you tell I’m in recovery, what part of my body has changed the most?”
He wont even entertain these inquisitions, and do you blame him?
It’s such a rocky road and a long journey with twists, turns, ups, downs, milestones and set-backs. It is not pretty, perfect or the same for everyone. I obviously didn’t go into great detail here, but if you would like me to divulge the more vulgar side of recovery, I would be happy to share the intensity of my struggles. I just don’t want to trigger anyone, and I guess I was kind of embarrassed by some of the stuff that still goes on in my mind, even though I am trying to fight so hard.
I hope you all have a fabulous Sunday! Cant wait to catch up on all the excitement of the weekend!