The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

It has occurred to me that I don’t share the ugly side of recovery with you all, as often as I should. After multiple years of dealing with this, I am really good as distracting myself from the s*it that comes up in my life that invokes negative self-talk, a desire to act on eating disorder behaviors, or any other form of unhealthiness that is absolutely horrific and unpleasant to discuss. But I shouldn’t hide, or prevent you all from seeing the mental and emotional struggles that comes with being sick, and going through a process of recovery, because it’s not authentic and anyone who is or has dealt with this knows that.

I first started journaling electronically about a year ago, but never shared my entries with anyone. In fact I deleted most of them because I was ashamed to see what I had written…it was incoherent, mean, unorganized and had a lot of swear words that are totally inappropriate for an online forum. But it was me, and still is on more occasions than I would like to admit. And although I am happy to report I am in a much better place than I was then, there are still frequent occurrences when I want to quit doing the right thing, cry or sometimes punch a hole in the wall I’m so frustrated.

Overcoming anorexia is a bitch. It is disheveled because you often don’t know what is going on your mind since there are two people there in a constant battle; the healthy voice, and the ED devil. It is nasty and mean because most of the time the stuff you are thinking is negative and cruel toward yourself and sometimes even others because they are interfering with you acting on your disease. And it is freaking exhausting because it’s thinking of food, exercise, feelings, body image, and attempting a lifestyle of wellness pretty much 24/7.

Even when you are in a more positive frame of mind you have to think about food, and physical activity because you need to make sure you are having enough, or not doing too much; your body is constantly changing and clothing fits differently so you are dealing with the reality that you are becoming healthy and looking more like a woman. It’s disappointing because I thought by healing I would get to escape the incessant obsessive thoughts, but just like when I was in my disorder, these things are all-consuming.

I feel bad for my family because they are living with a bipolar monster sometimes. It frustrates Ryan to no end because one minute I can be totally happy, excited and seeming like the old me, and then five minutes later I’m being a complete witch because my snack spoon is in the dishwasher and I needed it right then to eat my yogurt. Where did this psycho come from?!

I’m also very needy, constantly asking for reassurance, but there isn’t a right answer anyone could give me.

“Hunni, did I do well enough with dinner that we can take a bike ride tonight?”

Well if the poor man says yes, I did well with dinner, it means I ate too much, but if he said no it means I failed and can’t do anything right.

Or I’ll ask open-ended questions about my appearance which Ryan just chooses not to answer at all anymore because he knows the backlash that can occur from any answer, regardless of how perfect the answer may be.

“Can you tell I’m in recovery, what part of my body has changed the most?”

He wont even entertain these inquisitions, and do you blame him?

It’s such a rocky road and a long journey with twists, turns, ups, downs, milestones and set-backs. It is not pretty, perfect or the same for everyone. I obviously didn’t go into great detail here, but if you would like me to divulge the more vulgar side of recovery, I would be happy to share the intensity of my struggles. I just don’t want to trigger anyone, and I guess I was kind of embarrassed by some of the stuff that still goes on in my mind, even though I am trying to fight so hard.

I hope you all have a fabulous Sunday! Cant wait to catch up on all the excitement of the weekend!

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6 thoughts on “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

  1. I definitely know what you’re talking about when you say about the bi-polar ridiculousness. I started talking to a guy this summer which was the first time I’ve allowed myself to actually… “date” in SO long. Actually, I didn’t date because of THIS entire blog post. I did not want someone to be mixed up in the madness. I want to treat the person with respect. But anyway, he knew all about what I was going through.. Well, mostly. He even struggled a bit with eating issues because he runs track for the University of Tennessee.. So, I dated him. But I lashed out over the STUPIDEST things. It’s funny (Well, not really) but he knew the times I got cranky were the times I was most likely hungry. So he accepted it. But I do not want to put my loved ones (family) and friends into my life when I treat them horribly over what?! Literally, nothing. Just an invisible voice.

    I hope you have an awesome Sunday, too! I will be enjoying the Eagles game tonight at 8:20. lol

    • You are spot on about treating the ones we love horribly because of an invisible voice!!! It seems it’s always the ones we are closest to get the brunt of the madness and it’s definitely not fair! I hope u enjoy the eagles game!! Are you from around Philly??

  2. Since you read my blog, you know I am a firm believer in brutal honesty and searing full disclosure. It’s not a style everyone feels comfortable with, and in any outlet that weren’t anonymous, there is NO WAY I would be even a tenth as straightforward as I am about my ED on my blog.

    I do love to read recovery/symptom management blogs that are very open about the challenges of recovery, because the ones that act like it’s all a waltz through the flowers with tasty food and self-love just…aren’t believable. At all. And they’re not productive for the blogger to write OR for anyone to read, because they don’t help achieve better understanding for either. Your blog is NOT one of those (or I wouldn’t keep reading, haha). Whether or not you decide to share some of the more negative, graphic, or angry aspects of the recovery process (which is totally up to you, and you shouldn’t feel pressured either way by your readers!), your writing IS honest. You talk about challenges, failures, successes, and progress. You make the story real.

    Thank you for that. ❤

    • Thank you for the compliments! And I agree that blogs with honesty are much more appealing than the sugar coated ones. Thank you for always being honest. I always feel like I can relate to u and it’s nice to know I’m not alone 🙂

  3. Wow does this sound familar except I lived alone and tended to isolate myself. I remember being that bipolar and reacting in similar manners when people wanted me to break my food rules. I think the worst I ever felt was when I had been bingeing for almost six months and had nearly doubled my body size and still had those anorexic thoughts. Honestly I didn’t know if I could handle it but I think it took me hitting rock bottom to bring me back to life (literally). As much as I have hated the past couple months (and still don’t like my body), I’ve grown so much as a person and realized that there is more me than my weight.
    You have an amazing support group who only wants you to get better. I remember listening to an interview with Jenni Schaefer (http://www.jennischaefer.com/) who said you just have to start eating. Once you gain the weight, work on your self esteem because it can’t get any lower than it is now. And it took me gaining massive amounts of weight for me to realize that. I’m sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now but you can beat this. You are worth so much more that stupid ED voice keeps telling you. You are worth so much more than your weight and pantsize. And sure you might fall apart (I know I did) but you are strong enough to pull yourself back together. Mucho hugs!!

    • Sarah thank u so much. This is such a heart-felt, reassuring comment. If I could hug you through the computer I totally would. What great inspiration to wake up to!!!

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