You can call me the trust buster. Yup, that should be my name because every time I start doing the right thing…i.e. stop calorie counting, gaining weight, following my meal-plan, opening up in therapy; I decide to do something that can shatter the positive environment I finally began to create.
What does this mean?
I told you yesterday that on our car ride home from the airport Ryan and I started talking about my jogging confession. I could not fathom why he would be upset with me, when I told him the truth, gained the weight requested, and said I was sorry?!
So finally last night, when we had more than half an hour together, and it wasn’t 2 hours past my bedtime, we sat down and talked. Not just about me disappointing him, but a lot of things we needed to catch up on after a week of being away from one another…milestones I made, fun things he did with his brother, our stressors, etc.
But when we did discuss the situation with my nutritionist, the treadmill and my meal plan, I started to understand his feelings didn’t really occur because of those three particular things at all. They were a result of him losing his trust in me, after it had just started to rebuild.
I’m not sure if I have ever disclosed this, but Ryan will sometimes accompany to my therapist to work on communication and express our expectations of one another in a safe place. In our two years of marriage, he has completely abided by his promise to stick with me through sickeness and health, and unfortunately, there wasn’t much health.
He has driven hundreds of miles, slept in Target parking lots, been through hours of family groups, and given up quite a few holidays to accommodate the treatments I’ve needed just to stay alive. He has completely lived up to his end of the bargain (this might be the understatement of the century) and I have not really even participated in mine.
I have lied and told him I was going to the store when really I went to the gym. Convinced him I followed my meal plan and acted so distressed because of all the terrible calories, when I was in reality only having about a third of what was suggested as the minimum. I’ve cut corners, been mean, miserable, and not the most fun partner, and yet I still insisted he treat me as if I were completely normal and physically-well. So of course, when asking for forgiveness, after disclosing about my jogs while he was away, I expected him to be totally fine with it…but his points were, I engaged in a behavior I knew was not approved without asking, did not tell him about it until a few days later, and acted as if nothing was going on the few times we spoke of my progress in his absence.
Newsflash CJ, omission is the same as a lie, and that is a characteristic that only comes out when ED is strong. Under normal circumstances, I can’t lie to save my life. Everyone jokes I couldn’t be a poker player because bluffing would be absolutely out of the question, so since I lied for the first time, in a very long time, and did not have enough guilt to tell him right away, he was obviously disappointment, and I shouldn’t have expected anything different.
The worst part of it is, now that I have started to do the right things, been honest, and stuck to my recovery plan, it’s like I want to be rewarded and praised for every single accomplishment…
“Yes I ate a real egg, so that means I can run on the treadmill!”
“See, I can follow a meal plan, so I shouldn’t have to go see a dietician that often…”
“As long as I am eating the right number of calories than who cares if I measure or eat the same foods everyday!”
None of this stuff is true, you know. In my delusional mind I could rationalize deserving all these things, but as Ryan pointed out, I never provide any ideas for “punishments” or negative consequences if I don’t make a gain, or engage in counterproductive behaviors. I simply imply that things should just go on as is.
But if I really want to get serious, push through the horrific middle portion of recovery (what I like to call the hump) then I am going to have to wade through uncomfortable muck (i.e. feelings, emotions and horrific body image) without using pseudo-ED behaviors to cushion the blows. And if I do resort back to the unhealthy forms of coping, then I should have to deal with the repercussions.
He provided the examples, if I don’t gain, then maybe I need a rest day from physical activity. Or if I can’t follow my meal plan (which has recently been increased so I can add different exercises into the mix) then we should go back to me NOT preparing my own meals every single sitting.
At first I was completely against these thoughts. NO WAY was I giving up a work out if I didn’t gain! But this was like me saying I didn’t believe in myself!
I don’t have to give up my treadmill session if I do the right thing! Or have my food selected for me if I eat the appropriate exchanges. The simple solution here is to DO THE RIGHT THING!…
Keep building the trust I had been working so hard to gain back. The only way to do that, and have people once again have faith in me and my abilities, is to continuously show that I am moving in a positive direction.
A positive direction cannot be achieved by masking my feelings by cooking and hummus salads every day for lunch either. I do enjoy these things, but honestly I need to get out of my box and challenge myself a little bit in order to make progress. Staying in the safety-zone provides comfort, but also is a place to remain “sort-of” sick. And like I said yesterday, you can’t have both…sickness and health is an oxymoron, just the same as an EASY RECOVERY. The words just don’t go together.
So as much as I hated having a newly home husband who was not super happy with me, it also pointed out some other things I needed to work on.
It seems as if these situations are popping up more and more lately, but I have a feeling as I continue to grow, this will happen. As a new commenter said yesterday, and I absolutely loved this,
“It’s not until we can see ourselves as we truly are that we can begin to mold ourselves into who we know we can become.”
Thank you Max! I no longer want to be the girl with an ED, but instead move toward my potential, and that simply cannot happen without some difficult realizations and motivation.
What a way to start the weekend!!! TGIF everyone!!
Who found some motivation yesterday???