Rough Morning Reframe

Its been a rough morning so far…actually a difficult few days, and I am trying to pin-point why exactly so I can remedy the situation immediately. Unfortunately I don’t think it is any ONE thing, but instead the changes in my life due to school starting, the one student that can not go a day without being a major problem in class, my sister being pregnant and telling me she is moving out! Ryan leaving for Colorado for a week and trying to rework our budget since I will no longer have an income from the pool.

I am not a person that adjusts well with life/schedule alterations so combining all these minor things can make for some major issues in my mind. This of course translated to me breaking my streak of NOT calorie counting, and having a major anxiety attack about all I was consuming.

I knew it was a lot but I thought I would be much more full on the “high” intake… instead, I have still been either slightly hungry, or just comfortable. Shouldn’t weight gain calories make you, like, Thanksgiving stuffed? So couple the realization of exactly how much I was eating, feeling completely bloated and uncomfortable due to reasons outside the recovery process, my old, “non-sick” jeans starting to fit, and a person telling me how “healthy” I looked (FYI, NEVER EVER EVER EVER say that to a person in recovery, the word healthy=FAT), I have seriously felt like an over-indulgent mess.

But then I received an e-mail that reminded me how normal it was so feel this way. A recent “bl-end,” who very bravely just started her journey, wrote to ask if it was ok that she had an insatiable appetite. Of course its ok! In fact its pretty darn normal to have these intense feelings of hunger, pregnant woman-like cravings (I live with one now, so I totally know what they are like!) and then a lot of guilt afterwards. So thank you, Jill, for reminding me that I am not exempt from these absolutely, one hundred percent, recovery feelings, and I need to stop judging myself for listening to my body.

Obviously this is way easier said than done (I feel like I write this a lot when it comes to recovery posts?!) but I have found that DISTRACTIONREFRAMING and GOAL SETTING, tend to be the best combatants when these moments strike.

As far as distraction goes, it really is different for everyone. In the hospital I liked to color because you really cant do much else, and the methodical stroke of a crayon or colored pencil kept my mind away from completely obsessing over the last meal, or the lack of movement I had that day.

I also tried knitting, which was pretty ugly, but worked on the distraction front. I would never ever show anyone the hideous things I crafted, but it kept my fingers and my mind engaged and that is what I found to be the key.

Some other things I used to do were paint my nails, journal (now I blog 🙂 ) play cards, board games, etc. These sound really silly, maybe even a smidge childish, but like I said, I needed both a mental and physical outlet. Without including these two components, my mind was like a war zone. But everyone is different and could probably offer other suggestions as well, so if you have some, please feel free to do so!

Reframing I have talked about before on here, but I tend to turn to science and actual facts when I need a reality check. Other than re-reading Ancel Keys’ Minessota Starvation Study, I will constantly remind myself that it takes 3500 calories OVER what my body needs to function to gain 1 pound, meaning the odds of me gaining the fifty pounds I see in my mind, would take way longer than the meal or day that made me have this distorted vision.

Both tools listed above are awesome, but today I decided to attmp the goal method.  In the past few weeks I had shared with you my little PTG mantra, and I still very much believe in that for a daily reminder that there is way more to life than our own personal little bubbles, but sometimes you have to look at the big picture…

We did an activity with our students last year where they had to list their goals for the day, year, 5 years and 20 years down the road. For each time segment they could list as few as three things but were encouraged to list more. In my population you are very lucky to get the minimum required, but a lot of them had some really interesting aspirations, some a bit far fetched…I mean one student did want to work with Wiz Khalifa…but others listed their dreams of going to culinary school, being in the military, having a large family…stuff that is completely opposite to what you would expect of an alt-ed class.

So this morning as I was sitting at my counter, after having two meals before 7 a.m. (yup, last night was a case of the 2 a.m. munchies) and decided I needed to assess why I had to continue with recovery plan, despite feeling so defeated and embarrassed.

Trust me, there are a bagillion reasons to recover medically…just think of longevity, not being so tired, better bones, healthier skin, hair and nails, a normally functioning brain…I mean obviously those things are very, very important and are all definitely incentives to getting healthy, but sometimes you need reasons a little more specific to your life.

So for me…

 

Goal for the day:

  • Continue following my meal plan, regardless of having a pre-breakfast, breakfast….(perhaps I didn’t eat enough yesterday???)
  • Do NOT over-exercise as a means to compensate for the additional meal.
  • Listen to my body and eat what I am craving rather than options just because they are lower in calories.
  • Help my sister set her budget regardless of her saying she “doesn’t need one.”
  • Get ready for my mom to come home tomorrow!!!

 

Year:

  • Start running again.
  • Learn something, ANYTHING, about having a baby around (um, anyone want to help me with this one, because I am seriously clueless!!!)
  • Make some improvements to my blog, maybe actually self-host without getting too frustrated to not follow through.
  • Get more involved at school.
  • Be home! Get to participate in every holiday with my family rather than my hospital friends/family.
  • Establish a cause I want to get more involved with (POST ON THIS LATER IN THE WEEK!!!)

 

5 Years:

  • Run a marathon.
  • Become a houseparent at the Milton Hershey School, or become more influential with transitioning troubled youth to a better future.
  • Go back to school.
  • Help Ryan finish school.
  • Travel through Europe.

 

20 Years:

  • Start my own business.
  • Be working on a doctorate.
  • Lots of traveling, maybe even learn a new language!
  • Renew my vows at Disney World 🙂

Overall, I really just want to be a good wife, sister, daughter, teacher, and friend. None of these things are possible if I am alone with ED. A few months ago I may have thought they could, but physically and mentally, my presence could never fully be there, and I don’t want to experience any of this without remembering the good times.

So how about you…

Do you set goals for the long-term future?

Do you find it helpful to set goals so far away?

Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend!!!

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18 thoughts on “Rough Morning Reframe

    • thats because we like being productive! haha I need to feel like I am doing something, but like I said, the little change purse I attempted, will never be seen in public!

    • Thank you!!! I will definitely be checking that out! Im so nervous Ill beat myself up for being too slow, or not being able to go as far…I just want to get back to loving it as a form of relaxation!!! cant wait to check out your blog 🙂

  1. Ceejay, so I completely understand why you are having a rough time, I go through those every now and then, for instance Friday afternoon and night! But you have a lot going on with your life, just step back and take a breath (one of BJ’s lion breaths!) and breath your stresses away. I like how you outlined your goals for the future, I definitely need to do that healthy exercise! I am with you on this holiday season spending it with my biological family, not my PPI family! Text or call me if you need anything!
    Oh and I have found taking a nice peaceful walk with someone completely takes my stresses and worries away, and then eating dinner with them make sit so much more easier!

  2. I hope your day gets better soon! I like your goals, they’re pretty practical but also challenging. And yes- I do hate the word “healthy”, because it definitely means something different if you have an ED, and because healthy comes in different shapes and sizes and doesn’t really have to do with that all the time, it’s so categorizing to say that?

    Can’t offer any advice on the baby front, sorry. A girl at my job is pregnant so she tells about what’s happening with her body, but that’s about as much as I know. I think I’ve only held a baby like once…

    • Thats how I am! I am not really a baby person so I am so scared im going to mess up and totally ruin the child’s life!!! They should consider writing a manual for people like me because then at least in 9 months I would have a chance to learn!!!
      Hope you are having a nice holiday 🙂

  3. You’re amazing and so strong! Keep up the amazing work and I’m so glad we are both here for each other!! And remember if you ever need anything im here! xoxo

  4. Ceejay, I LOVED reading this. Of course, I didn’t love that you have had a rough couple of days, but I love the you are still staying strong in recovery and forgiving yourself for completely normal feelings!
    I too have had a rough couple of days. Reading this has motivated me to keep on keeping on despite my struggle. Once I post this comment, I am going to close my lap top, get out my journal and write down my goals for the day, year, 5 years, 20 years!
    Thanks for blogging your experience! You’re an inspiration!

    • Molly! im so glad you are going to journal! if you need anything hunni please let me know. I am always here!!!
      ps. thank you for the nice things you said! they made my night so much better!!! 🙂

  5. What is it you want to do in school? And open your business for? You have great inspiring goals.

    The blog one makes me happy and sad…I’m probably going to shut mine down. I feel embarassed about what I wrote, may have wrote…I don’t know if I’ll come back under another name. But I’m never good enough.

    Hope your doing well.

    • I think i might want to go back to be a guidance counselor and I have always wanted to open a small cafe/bakery. haha my husband wants to open a fro-yo bar since our area doesnt have one so who knows!!!
      girl, i read your post about the negative comments. DO NOT let mean, unhappy people bring you down. you are an awesome writer and i love reading everything you write! if there is anything i can do please let me know, even if you just need to e-mail me and vent! i too get negative comments and it can seriously hurt.
      let me know if u need anything. xoxoxo

  6. Girl, you’re doing AWESOME. Keep distracting in any way that helps you (sudoku has become my new obsession when I start to feel down on myself for “overeating” whether I over-ate or not! haha).

    LOVE the idea of goal-setting too… I think actually do that somewhat subconsciously though… like when I start to feel gross about myself a stream of thoughts like, “Wow, you’re actually letting FOOD get you down? You want to go back to the way you used to be?” and I tend to focus on the good things that come out of me now having more energy… I too want to go back to school and I know that is NOT possible if I were a slave to the gym and a slave to calories!

    Best of luck,
    Jess

    • sodoku is such an awesome idea! I never even thought about that but what a way to keep you mind active!!! you always tell me how lucky i am to have my husband, and I truly am…not many would stick around through the hells of an eating disorder so right now I keep thining he is my best incentive to get better. thats whats been keeping me going. thanks for always being there for me, jess. you are a great motivator!!

  7. Great post. I am so glad I recently found your blog. You are such a fighter!

    It is SO weird how “healthy” has such a strange meaning behind it to people with an eating disorder. I live in a different state from my parents and I recently sent my mom some pictures and when she called me she remarked that I look so healthy now in my pictures and it makes her so happy. It just really bugged me, even though I am trying to look at it rationally. I just wish she would have said I look pretty or something more benign.

    I started printing out weekly goal sheets. This will be my first full week using it. It’s like a grid with my goals on the top and the days of the week along the side. It has recovery goals on it and life goals, coping skills, etc. I am hoping what will help me with it is sharing it with my fiance.

    • Thats awesome that you are putting your goals in writing! I think sometimes writing them down makes them seem more important or something…more concrete…and then sharing them with someone you love is absolutely a great idea! he can help you stay accountable even when you dont want to be! thanks for commenting 🙂

  8. Good luck with all your goals. I know that I found crafting to help me lots (I’m a horrible knitter as well). I just blogged how I got over a binge episode and how I’ve been dealing with gaining weight in recovery. I don’t know if you track your food but I found it really helpful to write down what I eat so I make that I eat enough because I have a tendency to not eat enough during the day.

    Good luck with everything! You’re an awesome girl and I have no doubt that you can beat this 🙂

    • I will definitely check that post out!!! I do eat consistently throughout the day, and meet my meal plan so thats why it was so frustrating! but sometimes our bodies need more I guess so in the awesome process of recovery, I just have to listen! have a good holiday!!!

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