Fresh Start

Can I start over? Can I turn back the clock to when I was sitting at Starbucks yesterday, happily typing away and meeting two new friends in the corner? Because ever since then I feel like a basket case…

Let me explain from the beginning, when Ryan and I headed for a quick dinner before the game at a nice little chain called Cosi. I had eaten there once before, and it is similar to a Panera, so it would be perfect for a relatively healthy, non-stadium food, dinner before we had to leave.

We walked in and the menu looked awesome. They had the nice combo choice of half soup, half sandwich, half salad, and more dinner-like entrees such as pizza so Ryan and I could easily find something we liked here. I don’t know what came over me but I really wanted a “Chicken T.B.M,” a grilled chicken, tomato, basil and mozzarella sandwich on their rustic whole grain toast with a cup of soup.

Sounds good right?! Well it does. In fact it sound delicious, but I don’t know if I mentioned my immense “fear” of cheese here before, making the sandwich sound downright scary. Until about a year ago I refused to touch any form of cheese. Irrationally I believed it would stick to my thighs and never come off. The sane part of my brain knows that cheese is not bad in moderation. It is full of calcium, and if you aren’t getting a processed thing of cheese wiz in a can, it really is healthy to add to your diet.

So since I am really trying to honor my hunger, I went for half a Chicken T.B.M and a cup of chicken and orzo soup. Our meals came (ha, it took twice as long because they ended up burning Ryan’s sandwich so the manager came over and said they had to make a new one) and mine looked and smelled fantastic!

I had to gush over how delicious it was…and then I started looking at the little pamphlet they gave me at the register. EVERYTHING, ALL ITEMS, had the calorie count listed next to them.

Now I haven’t lived under a rock. I know many places are starting to do this and that is fine. I can pretty much guess the nutrition facts of all foods now and be within a 50 calorie range, but what REALLY bothered me was that they brought me the wrong sandwich!!!! Yes, it was the Chicken T.B.M, but it was the Chicken T.B.M melt, meaning it had an additional spread, sun-dried tomato basil pesto, and an additional amount of calories!

ED came back with avengence and started having a mini-panic attack in my head. And since Ryan knows me so well he asked what was wrong. I explained the scenario going on in my head half laughing because I know how ridiculous it must sound when I verbalized my “dilemma” and he just shook his head and asked, “well, is it good?”

YES ITS GOOD! It is probably the best sandwich I have had in awhile!

“So then just enjoy the rest. This really isn’t about the calories so what is it about?”

Gosh he is so smart. How does he know that I am not really panicking about the stupid Panini, but more so about this weekend, my fear of not fitting in, family news that has me all shook up (more on that next week) and just feeling inadequate as a blogger!

I look at everyone else’s blogs and how wonderfully they are put together, how awesome of writers they have behind them, and what interesting content, and I fear mine can’t measure up.

See there are two things you have to remember when dealing with an irrational ED person. It is definitely not (always) about calories, weight, etc. It is mostly about underlying fears, emotions, and things we just don’t know how to express in an appropriate manner. Calorie counting is a way for me to distract myself from whatever else is going on in my head. If I am too busy computing numbers then I don’t have time to think about the harder stuff. Calories can be controlled, whereas life cannot.

The second thing to understand is competition. Most of us are perfectionists. I just wanted to make everyone happy and be successful. I wanted my dad, my mom, my uncles, aunts, and pretty much the rest of the world to think I was ok, and a good person. To me this translated to, “you have to do everything right, never mess up and be the best, or else you are a total waste of space.” Wrongo, CJ! As my Uncle Stu once pointed out, “why can’t you be special to us for just existing?” And the truth is, I don’t really know. I guess I felt like I had to earn everyone’s stamp of approval, and maybe I do in some circles of life, but within my family, I should feel pretty comfortable.

I am nervous to meet a group of people I respect and admire so much, but if I go, be myself, have an open-mind, and someone doesn’t like me, or thinks my blog is stupid, there really is much I can do, right?

I continued eating my sandwich, enjoying every delectable bite, until we had to head to the game. Of course we stopped for some fro-yo on the way, for fear it wouldn’t be open when we returned! (If you are here at HLS, please try Tutti Fruiti! It was so good and they have Kashi Crunch as a topping! They had me hooked right then and there!…and if you want a fro-yo partner…hit me up!)

We get to the game and in the distance there is a big dark cloud slowly creeping our way. As the innings progressed it just kept coming closer, and closer, until we see a whole bunch of lightning illuminate the sky. The game hasn’t been called so like idiots, we are still sitting in our seats. Then more lightning and thunder. Finally, we move to under the overhang because where we sit, we are completely exposedand then it starts to rain. Ok, we can wait it out, maybe it will pass.

OR MAYBE NOT. We started heading to our car just in the knick of time. We were basically sprinting amidst a lot of lighting and thunder, but JUST missed the downpour and sideways rain by seconds. We came back to the hotel, laid in the comfy bed and watched some TV before we both passed out. I guess we were tired?

Then this morning happened…

I must have been super tired because I overslept for the first time in YEARS! 45 minutes overslept!!!

Here is another thing you have to understand about me. I am a scheduler down to the minute. I have everything elaborately planned out so I can have maximum productivity all day long. Mornings are especially diligent, and today I had planned on exercising, picking up breakfast for Ryan and I, eating with him, showering, blogging and getting ready for the Frito-Lay presentation. Missing 45 minutes meant I either had to a. give up working out or b. not get to blog.

My old self would NEVER consider skipping a work out. No way, no how! But today I decided to just scale it back a little, write half a blog entry, and post it sometime this afternoon. Sounded like a pretty good compromise to me! And actually I am finishing up my writing, it is only 8:38, and I am headed to attempt to do something with my hair.

On the schedule for today:

  • Frito-Lay Demonstration at Reading Terminal Market
  • Lunch at El Vez with the Wellsphere team
  • Early Registration for HLS!
  • Hopefully Posting This Entry!
  • Getting Ready
  • Cocktail Party!!!
  • Relaxing, Enjoying Every Minute, and Starting Fresh!

Have an awesome Friday! Can’t wait to catch up with everyone soon!!

P.S. I will definitely give you more detailed updates later! I apologize for the sorta jumbled posts!! My mind just seems to be everywhere J

What are your plans for the weekend??

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13 thoughts on “Fresh Start

  1. Aw, jeez, I’m sorry the sandwich caused even a blip on what should be a perfect weekend, but I’m glad you bounced back, enjoyed it, and rocked the day out.

    I LOVE tutti frutti, and have one within 3 miles of me, or else I’d jump at the chance.

    Can’t wait to see / meet you tonight, celebrate, and say “whatevz” to the calorie count of the soft pretzel that I’ll nibble like a starved caterpillar.

  2. Great job honey! Way to fight that ED moment, I’ve been there! I still do that same thing with calorie counts and will literally ask myself out loud when my ED voice yells is going to make me fat, ” will it really? No, ED is LYING.” and then presto! food in mouth! 🙂

    Have fun at HLS!!! I’m jealous I couldn’t come because of work…I would love to meet you!

    • hahah I love you because I have to do the same thing! Sometimes I literally have to rationalize with myself, verbally and it usually it works!!! Next year HLS, or one of the many other blog conferences! Everytime I read your stuff I feel like I am writing it myself. I’d love to meet you for some inspiration! Have an awesome weekend!!!

  3. Please do not feel like your blog is not good because it is!!! I can really relate to many of the things you post and I enjoy reading it. That whole Cosi scenario is something that has totally happened to me before, great job dealing with it. Enjoy your weekend away!

  4. I’m so glad that you ate the sandwich! Do (did) you ever feel like people were out to “get you”? I used to think baristas and wait staff were trying to sabotage me by using sugared syrup or regular coke. My now ex-boyfriend used to try to trick me into drinking regular coke and rum (I always drank diet and rum) and we would get into massive fights. He couldn’t understand it wasn’t about the calories, it was the control. You said it perfectly! You can control food but you can’t control life.

    Hope you have a wonderful time at HLS!!

    • Omg I used to think that all the time! Which is probably why I still won’t get a soda unless it’s in a bottle! Isn’t that sad?! Gosh it’s horrible that we go through this but really nice to know someone understands! ❤

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