I apologize in advance for the back to back disordered eating posts but today something came up that put me at a crossroads. Do I….
A. Eat when I am hungry even though it is at a time that is out of my normal routine?
B. Attempt to ignore it and wait another hour and a half until it is an “appropriate” time to eat.
This seems like a really silly question, right? Any normal person would say, “duh CJ, eat when you are hungry because hunger is your body’s way of telling you it needs to be refueled.” And my completely irrational eating disordered mind would respond, “It is only 3:30, you had lunch, a ginormous breakfast, and it is nowhere near time to break into your packed dinner!” In case you were wondering I was at work so my meal was waiting for my in a refrigerator ten feet away. Well I tried to read my book. I tried to look at my e-mail. I tried to clean the windows. But nothing could cure the hunger. So finally I decided to get my yogurt. That was innocent right? Yogurt…not bad for you, refreshing, an appetizer before dinner? And after I ate it I was still hungry, but I waited until 5:30 when my stomach couldn’t take it anymore but it was closer to dinner.
Finally sorta satisfied I continued to think about my previous predicament. A part of me felt like my body “deserved” to be hungry and because I wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 every morning so my body clock is slightly different from the cultural norms. Plus I did a three and a half mile incline walk on the treadmill, Ry and I took a twenty-minute bike ride, and I spent the morning chopping, mixing, cooking and baking my little heart out to prepare for our big house guest weekend. But despite this actual rational thought I had for a millisecond I still berated myself for the next three hours I was at work, bored and lonely because no one came swimming on this beautiful evening. It made me question if I should lessen my night-time snack. It made me think, “YES Ryan has bowling tonight so I could theoretically get back on the treadmill and he would never know.” But then I thought if I do either one of these things I will be even farther back from my goals…recovery, running, being more social, HEALTH, and ultimately a life I am living rather than merely existing. So even though I am sitting here now, still having some issues with my abnormally large hunger lately, I have to combat these thoughts by writing to you. So thank you for letting me vent. Sometimes the only way to get through these horrific feelings and moments is to reiterate the importance of recovery and pushing out of my comfort zone.
Are you an intuitive eater?
What are your go-to afternoon snacks?